Need Help to Help a Friend

I am involved with a young man who I believe suffers from the paraphilia of sexual sadism. Specifically, he is unable to become aroused by the thought of normal sexual activity and seems to have focused his sexuality on fantasies involving violence, necrophilia, and Satanism.

He is 19, and otherwise a very gentle and loving person. Because he is well aware that, although his fantasy women are not harmed by the things involved, if he were to act them out in real life, they would be maimed or killed, he has virtually suppressed his sex drive. His sexual activities right now consist of masturbating once or twice a month to these dark fantasies, and otherwise not thinking in sexual terms at all.

He claims not to be attracted to me sexually, although he certainly considers me beautiful and sexy - just to other men. As near as I can figure it, his subconscious has placed me in much the same sexual category where a normal man would have his beautiful sister or cousin - I know men find her desirable, but she's off-limits to me - because he cares too much about me to be willing to associate me with sex while he is associating sex with ugly, violent images.

He has been sexually and emotionally abused since childhood by numerous people, and this is certainly the root cause of his issues with sex, and also the trust and intimacy issues that accompany it.

He tells me that he wants very much to someday have a normal, loving relationship, and realizes that he will have to get over this fixation and learn to be aroused in the ways that men usually are, but he doesn't know how. We both know that eventually, he is going to have to receive intensive therapy for all of the issues he's carrying around, but that isn't a possibility right now, and meanwhile, I'm afraid that if his fixation on sexual violence is allowed to go unchallenged, it may eventually become too entrenched to change.

I am willing to do whatever is necessary to help him learn to channel his sexuality into healthier and safer directions, but I really am not sure how. Any suggestions?

Well let me say that I don't have any experience with sadism but I've done a ton of research about paraphilia and this is what I know. There is no cure and treatment is only a suppression tool. Cognitive behaviol therapy (CBT) which I'm sure you have already read about can help to control the thoughts but reprogramming someone's sex drive is not always possible. I'm sorry if I'm being too negative and believe me this is all research based on very little study being done on paraphilias. There is no definite cause though emotional and physical abuse can sometimes be blamed as a catalyst. I myself have a bondage paraphilia and I can't have sex without thinking about it or including it, and from personal experience whenever I can't reach climax the frustration pushes me back to my thoughts of bondage and I eventually relapse. Nothing is set in stone though he may find therapy will help. Most of the people Ive talked to here can find a level of control but the thoughts and feelings never completely go away and leading a "totally" normal sex life is near impossible. It all sounds grim but i don't have anything but the best of wishes for your friend. I'm just trying to be honest and like I said it's not all concrete. I can provide you with some more specific info from what I've read but it may be all stuff you've already researched and know. If you have any questions or comments please PM me or e-mail it's all on my profile. I'm sorry for your friend and I hope you find what you're looking for. Hope I was at least some help.

Justin

Someday I too hope to have a normal life where I don’t even have a paraphilia. I think one day I will be attracted to women and not children. I think if I work hard at it and change my perceptions of how I view things like sex and love I too will be like normal men. However although it is attainable that doesn’t necessarily mean it will be an easy goal or the path to it will be easy.

My path so far has consisted of a lot of therapy. I do one on one with a specialist in sex abuse survivors and offenders every week. I also attend Group therapy for sex offenders every week. And just to answer your question no I am not a Sex offender. In the past 3 years I have been a participant in both inpatient and outpatient programs directed at controlling my desires. I know what you’re thinking I want a cure not simply control of it and that’s true but I had to crawl before I could walk. Being cured wouldn’t be much of a help if I was serving a life sentence it was important to treat the symptoms in the beginning.


Since your friend is not engaging in risky behaviors perhaps that isn’t necessary to treat his symptoms and you can proceed directly to the root. I am not saying that abuse causes Paraphilias however if there is a history of abuse it may be helpful to put a light on it and see what you can find. Digging through my abuse was hard but I have gained many insights because of it. I have learned where cretin things that arouse me have come from and that is all tied into my abuse. If you need a starting point start in the past and work forward.