Help, I need advice : (

Hello,

I wondering if I could get some sound advice, as I have been somewhat disturbed by my own fantasies for a long time. (I am a female)

I don't know where to start, but basically, I have fantasies that I have no desire whatsoever acting out in real life, and which trouble me. For all of my life I have enjoyed healthy relationships, and enjoy a healthy sexual relationship with my partner. The problem is I have only been able to masturbate to fantasies of being raped, or being abused (me being a child and being raped). Usually I am the one providing pleasure or being 'used', for a short while it involved a child (young boy) 'using' me and getting sexual pleasure from me, but this passed and went back to the regular old rape/abuse fantasies.

When I think about these fantasies they trouble me, as I have no sexual attraction to children at all! And whats more, I find pedophilia deeply offensive and upsetting. And also, would never want to be raped, or hurt. Nor would I ever rape someone or hurt them - especially a child. The thought of this makes me sick, so you can understand why my own fantasies are upsetting me.

I wish I had more 'normal' fantasies about being whisked off my feet by a muscly hunk on the beach or something!

I thought I should also mention, that I have just finished about 7 years of therapy, recovering from depression, anxiety and OCD, and could never once tell my therapist about this stuff, though I wish I did. (I find it REALLY embarrassing and shameful).

I was never sexually abused as a child, I have no idea where this comes from.

NDP

Hello Nomdeplume.
I too have alot of fantasys about children that make me feel bad. Keep going and strong, and as long as you dont act on this fantasys and seek help you are not a bad person.

Nomdeplume, you're not alone. I know (from regrettable experience) that there are many women who share your fantasies of being sexually used as a little girl. It's also very common to feel ashamed of sexual desires that are considered abnormal. The first time I talked with my counselor about my paraphilia I was extremely uncomfortable but pleasantly surprised at his reaction and the support he gave me. First off, I found someone with training in how to address sexual addiction. It turned out that he uses Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). I found this approach to my problem extremely useful. I give an example of the therapy here:
http://psychforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=30398

Please don't feel embarrassed about posting anything at all in these forums. I believe your fantasies don't define who you are, only the actions you take to understand or ignore, diminish or fuel them. Ignoring them has never helped me, and I truly doubt it's ever helped anyone in the long run. PM me if you like too. Nothing will ever shock me, and I'm always happy to give support.