Obssesive fantasies?

Hi,

I am a 26 year old gay male who has never been in an intimate relationship of any kind before. I am currently starting therapy to confirm if I might have a schizoid personality disorder, although my doctor suspects I might have obssesive compulsive disorder.

Since I was raised roman catholic and I believe in God, I´ve always consider sex a sin (I suspect I might have been sexually abused as a child) and homosexuality for that matter.

For about 6 years (that is when I was 20 until a few months ago) I had a great compulsion to masturbate which made me feel very guilty and cause me a good deal of suffering. About 4 years ago I developed a "certain" addiction to "half naked images of boys". Rarely, have I seen pornography, as I feel disgusted at the idea of watching such images were lust and pleasure are basically the two "demons" present on such actions and love is practically absent.

The fact that I am moreless a reigious and spiritual person has made it difficult to deal with this, but I haven´t been able to quit that once for all. Perhaps I stop doing this for a few months, but after a while I fail once again.

I`ve been stable this year. I haven´t had any problems for a few months now. But I feel like temptation is coming back and I am feeling anxious about it. The problem is that when I feel "tempted" I can´t stop thinking about those images I´ve seen before, I feel like a slave, I feel "dirty" and obssesed with that. I feel this compulsion I can´t easily control. I even feel attracted to teenage boys, which doesn´t harm anyone, but I don´t feel that´s right.

I have been taking fluoxetine for a while, as this can´t be helpful to diminish sexual desire, but so far it hasn´t work that well.

Does anybody around thinks this could a paraphilia of some sort? Is there some special medication for this? I just don´t to lose my peace and my moral values... but sometimes I feel like I´m losing everything. I even stop going to churc months ago, because I couldn´t deal with this.

Any comments?

Heya,

I have not dealt much with Paraphilias before, but what I think is happening to you is nothing more than a natural occurance of the human body/mind. You are attracted to people - yes - but this is a normal thing. You feel that it is a problem, however, because of your faith (religion). Whilst I can understand that you see it as a problem, I don't like the way that religion does this to people. In a way, your religion is saying to you that you are a bad person, simply for being who you really are; and that's not right at all.

So, perhaps - if you try hard enough - you will be able to see past the stringent views of your religion and recognise that you are a great person who has the right to behave in whatever way you wish.

Take care,
Kevin

Hey there,

Just a few thoughts to consider...

You mentioned that you have just started some therapy, which hopefully, is going to be with a licensed therapist. Most importantly, a therapist you feel comfortable with and feel confident can help you resolve your issues.

Questioning your "mental health" is a frightening experience, but you have taken the constructive first step...seeking professional help. The mind is just another part of your body like an arm or lungs, etc. If it needs help sometimes to "get healthy again", you go to a doctor that helps you "get it healthy again",, just like a broken arm.

You mentioned several "disorders", plus you are seeking more answers here. Some, one, or none of those "labels" might prove to be applicable later. That answer(s) will come from your therapist in due time. If you trust him/her, relax and give it time. If you are not comfortable, find someone else that makes you feel secure and stick with it.

You will land on your feet again, in due time.

Good Luck

N

Hi there!

Chucky,

Yes, I believe my faith has somehow interfere with my personal developmente. I am dealing with this little by little and I can say ata least that I don't feel as guilty as I did before. Somehow I know God is own my side, not against me.

Actually I am interest in zen meditation and I have been practicing it for a few months now. This has been really helpful. Changing my religion... that's not so easy, though.

Neologismic,

Thanks for your commentaries. I find them enlightening. I didn't actually liked my therapist that much so I had to cancel my appointments and I'll have to look for somebody else. Wish luck on that!! And yes, I think this will help me see little by little what I have to se about myself.

Thanks a lot for you replies guys! Have a nice weekend!

EC

Hi,

I have been interested in Zen for quite some time. I do not wish to adopt any religion though, and I am very happy being an Atheist. However, there is a great book to get called Zen Flesh, Zen Bones, if you are so looking for literature on Zen to read. Why do you feel that officially changing your religion would be difficult though?

Kevin

"Why do you feel that officially changing your religion would be difficult though?"


Long story...! May be not so long, though. I was going to a zen meditation center at the beginning of this year. About six months. I liked very much. I have been practicing zen meditation since then (except for the last month) and this proof to be a wonderful therapy. However, the part were I go to the center and deal with people I don't know that well... that didn't work so good. Maybe, I didn't give myself a chnce. On the other hand, usually we have to do some chanting and reading some buddhist's "prayers". Very interesting... all of it!! More interesting: I agree with all the buddhist thinking and doctrine. However, I am not able to take all that so deep in my heart that I feel commited to it. The idea of a personal God, which isn't entirely present in zen, left a vacuum inside of me.

I couldn't share the chanting or the prayers in the same way others did. I like very much zen, I really do. But "something" isn't entirely right when I'm there. Not sure what it is. Maybe I was trying to do things to fast. I don't know. So I'm giving myself some time to think things over. I am not sure yet if I return to zen center or go back to church. It's difficult to make a choice. My mind is like a maze. I have to find the exit.

If you like zen, I would encourage you to meditate. This

is zen. Zen is about being in the present moment and this "state of mind" is reached through deep concentration which comes through meditation. Zen doesn't deal with the idea of a personal God (you wouldn't have any trouble there) and it isn't exactly a religion either. It's more like a way of life. But if are interest in zen, try practicing meditation, maybe 5 minutes each day, and you'll see some interesting changes. Actually, to be honest I think I found out I am schizoid because of meditation. Meditation gives you self-awareness.

Hi,

I don't regard Buddhism as a religion. If it is, it certainly isn't a religion like the others because there is no God in it. I more regard it as a way to live your life in peace with everything around you. I have a few books on Zen Buddhism in my collection and I am aware of the - ummm - fundamentals of it. It seems impossible to achieve 'enlightenment' if you think hard about it. However, that would be your first mistake: 'thinking'!

Anyway, you are basically saying that it's difficult to change religion due to social issues (i.e. - not feeling comfortable around other followers)?

Kevin.

Hi chucky,

Yes, I think it's difficult for me changing religion because of social issues. That's one thing. The other is that I feel I can't participate in certain religious "rituals" like chanting, etc. I feel unconfortable with that, perhaps becuase I am used to my religion and I am not willing to quit to it completely.

I understand, EmptyCosmos. However, things will become more comfortable for you as you age. You do not seem overly enthusiastic about actually changing religions though - am I right?

Chucky,

If you put it that way... I guess you are right. I think I may not be so enthusiastic about changing religion. But I also think it has to do with the fact that I feel confused about many things in my life. I am not really sure who I am or who I want to be. There are many things I would like to do, but I am unable to choose one of all those things I would like to do, and when I try something new... I feel weird. It's a complicated feeling. Probably has to do with SPD.

Whether it is religion, friendship, family, education or any area of my life, I don't really know what I want. That is why I have to take it easy and take one step at a time. Of all the things I've tried, zen meditation has been the only one I have truly enjoyed and which has been really helpful, as far as I do it alone at home. Having moved from my parent's home last year was also a very good decision. Being alone gives me time and space to think about my life and make my own choices (the ones I really want) when I feel ready and peaceful.

But getting back to your question: changind religion? Not really, no, at least not right now. Making a transition like that one takes time and one has to be very careful about it. I like buddhism, I like zen, I agree with many ideas of this "way of life" but I can not embrace it completely. Maybe because I need a lot of time before I feel prepared, or maybe because I don't want to leave behind my idea of God (which is very important to me and which I've never intended to leave behind in the first place). The roles of Jesus in humankind is also something I can't ignore easily, somehow all his life is connected to the innermost part of my "soul". Actually, I was going to join the catholic carthussian order about 4 years ago, but I didn't because of all the "mental and emotional issues" I had at the time. I would had been a mistake indeed. I am glad I didn't do it.

You see, I feel like I am in a maze. I see everywhere around and I see myself in everything, but I am unable to discover who I am. Deep down I know I am someone special, but I can't experience this and I am not sure which is my path. So much for philosophy...

Thanks for your comments!