On being different**TRIGGERING, GRAPHIC**

Hi,

I am sorry to write this letter anonymously, however I feel I must. The subject matter, and what I am going to admit to, are too sensitive and dangerous to the life I currently enjoy.

Basically, I am writing to ask a few questions. I am going to give you insight into a fleck of my life, and than ask, "why is it so?"

The subject matter is pedophilia and pedophiles, and their victims. I am a pedophile, and I am disgusted by it. I do not want this badge! But why am I the way I am?

There is much to say about sexuality in the psychiatric literature. One point that has reached reasonable agreement is that although a cause, i.e: "nature versus nurture," can not be found, a cure is almost just as ellusive.

Homosexuality was once considered a severe psychiatric aberancy, and now it is generalized more as a social norm. Where homosexuals were once subjected to intensive therapy to "cure them," such therapy isn't even recommended when a homosexual desires to be heterosexual.

But, a homosexual can find the therapy, if that homosexual so desires.

Pedophiles are in a different class. I am willing to wager that some pedophiles enjoy their paraphilia. They enjoy being a deviant, and they enjoy the harm they bring to children. But others, such as myself, are engulfed in guilt and depression for these feelings. This weakens our will, and we act upon our desires, our guilt and depression deepen; thus further weakening our will and giving rise to further outbursts of deviant activity.

What if I wanted to get therapy? If I were to speak to a mental health professional, and try to reconcile my bad actions by divulging them to a stranger, and then risk being reported! (the doctor-patient privaledge having been legislated away, the doctor now becomes a mandated reporter and a law-enforcement officer at the same time). Knowing this, I shy away from getting help. Help that would keep me from harming again. Does this serve the public good in any way?

So what do I do? My first victim was nine when he and I engaged in sodomous activities. I know he had a sexual relationship with an uncle or a cousin before he and I had met, and that he enjoyed that relationship. When I came into his life, as a friend of his mothers, we grew close very quickly. He wanted a male figure in his life, and I certainly enjoyed the attention of this boy.

His mother was out one night when he came into my room and asked to sleep in bed with me. He did, and nothing happened between us that night, but his mother found us together and was glad to see her son was bonding and didn't object when he asked if he could sleep with me more often (it was left up to her).

He came into bed one night, and he noticed my erection and asked about it, and I said it was because I liked him. This is when he told me how he and another male relative, who was about my age, had done things. He didn't elaborate too much, but he asked if he could touch me.

Nothing he and I did was forced. Although it would be considered rape under statute, it was very consensual sex. He frequently asked to stop, and I did. I rarely tryed to coax him, it wasn't very necissary. But I had done it! I had violated a boy, took away more of the dignity that his other family member already had attacked. I did so with willful abandon, though with great shame and remorse. That shame never did stop me, though, and our sexual relationship continued for a few years.

He is an adult now, and he and I still talk occasionally. Neither of us ever mention what we did, and I live in constant fear that one day he will reveal the truth of what he and I had done.

He is not the only boy I molested or sodomized; nor are any of the other boys likely to be the last - unless I can find help and support.

Now knowing I have committed very severe crimes, I am fearful of revealing myself. I have a successful career, nice home, nice car; everything but a family - which I shy away from for fear that I would rape my own children. What would make me seek help? Especially knowing that I would toss my past away? I would spend the rest of my life in jail or a sex offenders home (jail after your jail term is over)!

The world cries foul and says that pedophiles must be stopped. So be it, we should be stopped. But where is the incentive to do so voluntarily?

Give us a means to help ourselves! Many of us would, so please, make it possible!

STR editted to add the notice that this might trigger and is graphic.

Confession,
You are asking very serious things, I know that my own therapist has seen pedophiles. What is said in a therapist office stays there.

If I were you, I would seek help, you openly admit to sodomizing and have done sexual acts, to young boys and you say this behavior will continue until you get help.

You fear one of your victims might say something. If they do and you are seeking and in some sort of treatment, and getting the treatment. I think you would feel better.

But that said, you can not take a way all the hurt and torment that this is causing you, and all the boys you have hurt. It is a bad
thing, and you must control and seek help asap.

This post was reported to the Center for Missing and Exploited Children.

seanetal wrote:This post was reported to the Center for Missing and Exploited Children.

Oh, come on!

SmallTalkRed wrote:Confession,
You are asking very serious things, I know that my own therapist has seen pedophiles. What is said in a therapist office stays there.

That's just plain untrue. A therapist would have to follow the ethical guidelines of the APA and report me, because he will without doubt assess me as a danger to children.

Nice try though. :p

You admitted that you had raped a 9 year old boy, and you said your "first victim". Personally with your IP address and the email I hope they can find you and make you pay for your crimes.

Confession wrote:

seanetal wrote:This post was reported to the Center for Missing and Exploited Children.

Oh, come on!

If the administrator did not report you I would have.
You openly admitted to violating a child and you are still in contact with this boy.

I hope you get what you deserve for ruining that kids life, and who-ever else you hurt!

Confession wrote:But where is the incentive to do so voluntarily?

Confession wrote:I am a pedophile, and I am disgusted by it.

Help that would keep me from harming again.

He is not the only boy I molested or sodomized; nor are any of the other boys likely to be the last - unless I can find help and support.

I believe you've answered your own question. If you're sincere in your wish not to harm children, you'll have to be willing to answer for what you've done. It will be hard, undoubtedly, but more than worth it.

If you really do desire to get help for this, seanetal has done you a considerable favour. Even if the CMEC doesn't act on his information, I urge you to turn yourself in to the authorities in your area. They will be able to direct you to many of the resources you need to help yourself, and your willingness to cooperate might help you in the legal proceedings.

That said, I do believe there should be legal proceedings and I have no sympathy for your lamentations over being registered as a sex offender: you are a sex offender. Fortunately, you recognise this. Unfortunately, you don't seem to agree that you should be held accountable for it. The fact that you are a paedophile doesn't excuse your actions. As human beings, most of us have the power to make our own, informed decisions. Though paedophilia gives you the desire to abuse--and let us be frank here, it is an abuse--children, it does not take away your cognitive abilities. You made the choice to act on those feelings.

Confession wrote:

SmallTalkRed wrote:Confession,
You are asking very serious things, I know that my own therapist has seen pedophiles. What is said in a therapist office stays there.

That's just plain untrue. A therapist would have to follow the ethical guidelines of the APA and report me, because he will without doubt assess me as a danger to children.

Nice try though. :p

If you are a danger to children you should be in prison with a cell mate named Big Bubba, I am sure that is what you deserve.
I dont lie, My therapist has delt with the likes of you.
Look I was doing my best to do my job here as mod. What do you expect people to say, oh, your the boogeyman that hurts children,
and thats ok?
I would not want you to live next door or on my street.

Children at the age of nine can not give consent. Since you mood of you post has changed, I hope all your victims rise up against you. That is the only way to stop your perverted outlook.
YOU SAID YOU WERE AFRAID TO HAVE CHILDREN BECAUSE YOU FEAR RAPING THEM. wtf? That is some sick sh*t.

I tried to be nice, but I guess you dont deserve nice.

Have a nice perverted day and I hope that there is a knock at your door today. Dont call me a liar, I might not know everything but I dont lie unlike you.

Hey OP like you i've been raping kids for several years (10ish) and wanted to stop, wanted help... the paranoia was killing me. LUCKILY I was able to find a psychologist across the boarder from El paso that was taking American patients and let me tell you what is said there can truly be confidential. You can't just COME OUT and admit anything but if you imply it strongly they will help you work around the issues with a sort of mutual understanding.

Tougher than quitting smoking I can tell you that!

:Edited by Admin