what's wrong with me? please read

This is my first time posting and I'm really nervous about talking about this issue and I'm not sure if I'm in the right place, but it has bothered me for a long time and I would really appreciate some feedback. So here goes:

I've always had a fantasy prone personality. I spend large amount of my day daydreaming. I live in my head. The type of fantasies I have though, really disturb me. I fantasize about horrible things happening to me (e.g. being raped, abused, victimized). In these fantasies, however, the focus is not so much on the abuse etc, but on sympathy received from others as a result of these things happening to me. Its like the abuse is just an excuse for empathy received from another. And I have actually gotten aroused from this. I try to imagine myself as vulnerable as possible in the presence of a sympathetic person and this is what I find arousing.

I feel so wrong and disgusting for having these thoughts in my head and I can't imagine what it means. The weird thing is, in real life I hate having others pity me or show empathy towards me. It makes me so uncomfortable, I cringe. It sometimes even makes me angry. I just can't figure it out. What's wrong with me? I feel like such a freak.

Please if anyone has any thoughts, I'd just like some feedback....thanks for taking the time to read.

shything,

Have you ever dealt with any of these expierences as a child? Any types of abuse at all?

Ever dealt with neglect and so forth?

Thank you so much for replying Butterfly Faerie. To answer your question, no I haven't. My childhood wasn't perfect, there's a lot I don't remember, but I was never abused or anything like that. My parents are good parents, I know they love me.

Hey, shything. I'm sorry you are going through something that botheres you so much.
When we think that we have always felt loved, it could be that we are simply trying to convince ourselves of this. Maybe you need to analize your feelings a bit more. I have felt the way you do, sometimes, and it was becouse of emotional neglect. I hope you can make sense of things.

shything, i (used to more often in the past) do the same thing. ur brave for posting this. i feel so guilty for these fantasies when a lot of people really have been through such abuse, so i understand why u feel so wrong for having them. and thinking that u had a perfect childhood - yeh i can relate to that too. i do think its related to feelings of emotional neglect though like butterfly faerie and jasmin mentioned. u have to invent stories in ur mind to feel compassion that u feel uve missed out on in the past. i wish u well.

Thank you jasmin and ifonly... for your support. I feel a little better knowing that I'm not the only one that's had these thoughts. It still feels wrong though. I suppose its possible that for some reason logic and reason told me that I was and am loved despite not actually FEELING loved. And that's my own fault. I just wish I knew why.

It's not your fault, shything. We tell ourselves or convince ourselves that we are loved simply becouse we need love. It's scary to be alone and to feel unwanted or used, but we can get through it.