My Father Masturbabted in Front of a 16 Year Old

I just found out from my step-mother that my father attempted to commit suicide after she discovered he had been masturbating in front of and making innappropriate comments to her 16 year old grandchild, who is now 18. The granddaughter lived with them breifly when she was 16 and now at age 18 has come back, and he started doing the same thing. When she was 16 everyone thought she made it up due to family issues going on and her own history of acting out. This time when she told, my father admitted it to my step-mother. I have been completely unaware of all of this up until last night when he slit his wrtists and was sent to the hospital, that is when my step-mom called and told me everything. The granddaughter was raped when she was 10 years old by someone else, and she is absolutely not 18 years old in the mind, she is more like maybe 15 in the mind.

I am having an extremely hard time reconciling all of this with my father. He was put up for adoption and had a very bad childhood, has been married at least 5 times, and he has always been a closed off, distant person. I was never close to him but I always loved him and he never did anything innappropriate to me - my parents divorced when I was 3 and I stayed with my dad every-other weekend, as an adult I always thought he did the best he could with me despite his emotional problems. I have always understood that he was a troubled person, he had a history of alcoholism before I was born, and of course all the wives he has gone through, but I accepted him for who (I thought) he was a long time ago. Never would I have ever thought he would do anything like this.

Now I am faced with a completely different person who is not "my dad" as I knew him, and I don't know how to deal with this. My step-mother has also revealed how bad my dad has treated her and her kids, always saying they are getting fat, controlling every little thing she wanted to buy for the house, everything she wanted to eat, hitting on other women right in front of her, etc etc etc. I never knew any of these things. I feel that I have no idea who my father really is. I don't know how to move forward, if I should have a relationship with him or not, and if so, HOW to have a relationship with him. He does not know that she told me any of this yet. On one hand I am so disgusted and angry with this "new" person where my dad used to be, and on the other hand he is my dad and he is hurting, he is sick, much more than I ever thought, and his family is leaving him. I am so, so confused. I just wanted to get this out, the only people I've talked to about it is my stepmom and my boyfriend. Any advice or similar stories would be appreciated also.

For clarification, sexual attraction to a 16-year-old is completely normal and not at all pedophilic, however his behavior was abusive and inappropriate given the circumstances. So my advice is simply to realize he's less of an evil-monster type and more of a stupid-asshole-sometimes type. Which kind of applies to everyone. But yeah, he did something wrong.

Your Dad is not sick, yes what he did was wholly inappropriate for the situation but I would prescribe a trip to the website cam4 to see what men and a good many women like to get up to when the mood takes them, namely exhibitionism and voyeurism. His actions were wrong in that situation but not wrong in what they were. He deployed a sexual act in a situation which was inappropriate. I hope you can forgive him this.

People sometimes do the wrong thing when under the influence of arousal. But whatever the act, it does not define the person.

In supporting him you could look at seeing if there is some help he can get?

anon7777 wrote:I just found out from my step-mother that my father attempted to commit suicide after she discovered he had been masturbating in front of and making innappropriate comments to her 16 year old grandchild, who is now 18. The granddaughter lived with them breifly when she was 16 and now at age 18 has come back, and he started doing the same thing. When she was 16 everyone thought she made it up due to family issues going on and her own history of acting out. This time when she told, my father admitted it to my step-mother. I have been completely unaware of all of this up until last night when he slit his wrtists and was sent to the hospital, that is when my step-mom called and told me everything. The granddaughter was raped when she was 10 years old by someone else, and she is absolutely not 18 years old in the mind, she is more like maybe 15 in the mind.

I am having an extremely hard time reconciling all of this with my father. He was put up for adoption and had a very bad childhood, has been married at least 5 times, and he has always been a closed off, distant person. I was never close to him but I always loved him and he never did anything innappropriate to me - my parents divorced when I was 3 and I stayed with my dad every-other weekend, as an adult I always thought he did the best he could with me despite his emotional problems. I have always understood that he was a troubled person, he had a history of alcoholism before I was born, and of course all the wives he has gone through, but I accepted him for who (I thought) he was a long time ago. Never would I have ever thought he would do anything like this.

Now I am faced with a completely different person who is not "my dad" as I knew him, and I don't know how to deal with this. My step-mother has also revealed how bad my dad has treated her and her kids, always saying they are getting fat, controlling every little thing she wanted to buy for the house, everything she wanted to eat, hitting on other women right in front of her, etc etc etc. I never knew any of these things. I feel that I have no idea who my father really is. I don't know how to move forward, if I should have a relationship with him or not, and if so, HOW to have a relationship with him. He does not know that she told me any of this yet. On one hand I am so disgusted and angry with this "new" person where my dad used to be, and on the other hand he is my dad and he is hurting, he is sick, much more than I ever thought, and his family is leaving him. I am so, so confused. I just wanted to get this out, the only people I've talked to about it is my stepmom and my boyfriend. Any advice or similar stories would be appreciated also.

I agree with the advice you have been given. He is sick, emotionally and spiritually devastated, with a bad childhood to fuel a bad parental role model status.

Discovering the bad side of a parent is devastating to many people. I know, my dad did things that were so stupid, ignorant and totally unacceptable. He embarrassed me many times, and could be thoughtless, cruel and selfish. He hit on my girlfriends, would get falling down drunk, deny everything the next day. He hated women, would denigrate them at every chance. Mean to my mom.

He's been dead many years now and I can't say I miss him. But I can't say I hate him either. He was just a flawed man who happened to be my dad.

Turning your back on him when he needs support would serve nothing. No one will be helped, no one will be satisfied, no on will feel love and common humanity. You will feel the after effects of your defiant attitude and come to regret it in the years to come.

And as far as his relationship with your step mom? Stay out of it, and don't let it play any part of your relationship with your father. You don't know what's true and what's not, and you don't know their relationship. Just say " That's not the dad I know", and do your best to take the high road.