Mourning as a toddler, sexual deviances, hungry euphoria

I'm reflective, and am bothered by my obsession, which is somehow sexual in nature, so am trying to understand it.

-My parents divorced when I was a toddler. When I asked about my "dad", my mom sternly told me that he wasn't my dad, and to not ever talk about him again.
-Around that time, I cried every time my mom left her parents' house, thinking that I would never see her again, and spent childhood crying about whether or not she would die while driving.
-They say children don't have sexual fantasies. I had them of adult woman, from the age of 5, but have never been molested.
-I am diagnosed with bipolar type I and schizophrenia.
-I am very worried that my girlfriend will die when she's not with me.
-I understand from experience that paraphilias are like foods--most appetizing.
-It was around adulthood, when schizophrenia supposedly showed up, that I lost interest in people, and became increasingly involved with the ambience of spookiness.
-It's an undying hunger that comes at night, when my antipsychotic is wearing off.
-It's heavily themed with dead bodies and things found in Halloween, but male representations gross me out, leading me to believe that the euphoria is somehow sexual.
-The spooky nature in general is heavily tied to my past. I've always been interested in it, and was sad when I thought I was too old to trick or treat.
-I want access to more, because it's becoming stronger, or I want to hear your thoughts.