Recidivism of CP offences.

hatemyself35 wrote:I'm a bit worried that I will be conscripted into 'finding' triggers and admitting I have a sexual attraction to children, which I don't. I do have a sexual attraction to teenage girls who have womanly bodies but I believe that's normal. I would never act on that in the real world.

I think triggers and sexual attraction are two different things. I've never held a sexual attraction to anyone other than age appropriate females. Being a red blooded male it is hard not to notice some teenage girls, especially with the clothes they like wearing, but is noticing the same as sexual desire? And yet, something - a trigger - made you view and trade images you knew were illegal, much the same as something made me want to masturbate to pictures of boys.

I don't see it has being 'conscripted', rather admitting that something is warped in my mind that made me want to do this. Am I in denial about being homosexual? Am I bi-curious? or am I heterosexual with a warped orgasmic association with a particular type of porn? Is it the risk and the taboo? I really don't know, but I see it as a journey to find out because unless I do I'm liable to re-offend and either spend the rest of my life alone, or at her majesties pleasure. Neither of which is very appealing to me.

If you haven't already, get a copy of The Porn Trap on Kindle. It really is a worth while read as a starting place. Certainly helped me frame my disorder more in terms of an addiction, or more correctly a compulsion, rather than a sexual desire.

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(1 week and 1 day since last relapse.)

Well that trigger would be boredom. I think the main trigger in this context was that I didn't think about the consequences of being caught. Most of the stuff I downloaded I never even viewed if it was obvious from the filenames that it was not the age/sex I liked. I think it just becomes a habit, especially after I left my last job. Nearly every time I did it I spent all day talking to girls/downloading cp and would then just masturbate to adult stuff, which I could have done to begin with and only taken a few minutes. So I guess the main trigger was boredom and having something to fill the whole day. I suppose what I'm getting at here is that I know I won't view such images again, but there's no way of actually being able to prove that to anyone. That's going to be very frustrating.

They asked me in the interview about triggers, and I genuinely couldn't think of anything. I'm sure many, perhaps even the majority of sex offenders have triggers, but I don't think there's a uniform answer which is true of every sex offender. But I'm not sure if I should say such a thing when it comes to SOTP as they will probably see it as a denial of some kind.

We were told we could give as little or as much info as we wanted to share in the group.

We would not necessarily be marked down if you like for not saying something.

However once you start feeling able to talk to the group it becomes easier mostly to talk about stuff you didn't want to at the start.

You don't have to say you are attracted sexually to children if you are not, I could look at a boy and think he's pretty cute or really good looking but I don't have the desire to want a child sexually in real life, no more or less than I could look at a young girl and think she is cute or good looking or will be a stunner when she gets older. Just the same as I could look at a woman or man and think they are pretty good looking or whatever.

My issue was being young and kn owing nothing about sex, add to that my low self esteem and a few pretty much failed gay experiences with boys my age when I was a child and the fear of being gay, as I got older I guess I wanted that pleasure and person to be with which at the time was boys. I associated good looking boys with my ideal of a partner at the time without considering the same with girls as girls liked me less than the boys did and never talked to me or avoided me, and I avoided them.

Then I found gay porn I liked which was younger guys who were good looking, so I had preconditioned myself to think like that. A good looking boy was what I wanted in my mind but not in real life, as I got older I did not find men attractive but did find women attractive as I did with girls when I was younger.

The porn became my release as It was all I knew and it satisfied an urge, although seeing naked children did not give me an erection, but if I started to masturbate it did help, the more I masturbated to it the more I needed to masturbate with. And so it got worse from just older teenagers to younger teens until eventually most things were OK to watch, however I still drew the line at some things and below a certain age, not that it was really that important.

Had I not been caught who knows where I could have ended up.

A trigger is anything that can be going on in your life for you, for me boredom was part of it, loneliness was also a part of it as were a multitude of other things.

They do realise that not everyone offends for the same reasons and for some things will be for one main reason for others it might be a combination of factors.

I looked at it as a self discovery exercise, I now know myself much better than before, some of my family and friends know me more as a person now and still like me and love me as a person.