Autistic pedophile who needs friends BADLY

LiloFan wrote:Ah, well I guess it's good you can watch her on Youtube. Haha. And, just out of curiosity, have you ever tried talking about any of this with anyone in real life? Do you also have emotional/romantic feelings, or is it just sexual for you? I think writing stories is a good idea, as you can channel things in to writing, and even look back at it later. People often fear what they do not understand, and I admire your courage for actually posting out here about such a topic. I'm sure it has to be really scary to post about. But you are not alone here. We all try and help one another. It's not perfect, but what is? I also suggest you check out B4Uact, which has an online group for minor-attracted people. It also has a support group for parents and friends of minor-attracted people. Thanks for responding so quickly. Yes, loneliness sucks, right?

Yes, I came out to my mom a few years ago along with my dad. My mom has gone through varying stages of either accepting it or trying to think I'm something else, that I'm not the "p" word (I am hebe anyways but its a blanket term to me). Over the past few days I've had to explain very detailed to her that we are not all deep web dwelling monsters who get off to torture, abuse and suffering. She accepted me a long time ago but I try explaining its not just me but others too. The vast majority of us MAPs don't want to harm others and are gentle people with good hearts...to me at least. I know normal people reading this think the contrary but those among us understand I guess.

I don't know said girl and do not try to. I feel an emotional attachment to her image because she favors more than one girl I've had feelings for as a child, she embodies all the aesthetic traits I like and she favors one of my first ever true crushes who is sadly now passed away. She was a beautiful, brilliant girl with natural beauty and great intelligence. She is survived by a daughter who will carry on the torch and hopefully grow into what her mother was.

I know the girl and I are nothing alike anyway but I create characters in my stories and she is like the "actor" so to speak, if that makes sense.

It is very sexual too but it goes beyond that too, I cannot explain it well.

Thank you for the recommendation, I like checking out the (safe) communities where I can talk to others who feel like I do and can relate to.

All I have anymore is the community and my own family, who tries their best to understand. My best friend of 15 years disowned me calmly when I came out to him recently (I have a blog entry about it).

Yes, loneliness does suck but I feel in a way I'm destined to be lonely. My few relationships with women have been abysmal failures but I have the community.

If I was told I could not talk to others like me I would probably lose any will left I had to live. I practically lost it when my friend disowned me and flushed 15+ years down the toilet.

Oh wow. It sucks that it's so hard for your mom to accept that about you. Maybe the site I mentioned could help her as well? It both angers and frustrates me that your friend of 15 years would throw away such a friendship after you, what, confided in him? Blah! But yes, I'm pretty new here as well. We don't always see things the same way here, but we all know what it's like to have attractions no one else would, or could, understand. I'm glad you found this place. Welcome to the forum. Interesting name you chose to go by...Hmm...

LiloFan wrote:Oh wow. It sucks that it's so hard for your mom to accept that about you. Maybe the site I mentioned could help her as well? It both angers and frustrates me that your friend of 15 years would throw away such a friendship after you, what, confided in him? Blah! But yes, I'm pretty new here as well. We don't always see things the same way here, but we all know what it's like to have attractions no one else would, or could, understand. I'm glad you found this place. Welcome to the forum. Interesting name you chose to go by...Hmm...

She's pretty good about accepting me now actually, I have explained a lot to her. She has known about it for years, seen (unfair) things happen to me and is always the most willing to listen.

I'm just now getting over the sting of losing my best friend, it was very, very painful.

There is not a very big level of MAP activity here but the posts I do, well 99% of them, are very good.

I like to take part in the communities there are, though one or two have turned to be either very toxic or downright mean and unaccepting.

Its ironic, I've actually been recieving some heat lately from some elements in the community for the fact I once had an adult girlfriend (an experience I describe as mostly unpleasant and even abusive on her part) and there's the whole thing with my aoa being 11-14. Sometimes 15, its a girl to girl basis really and I'm very peculiar wit what I find beautiful.

I've gotten messages and hate like "You're fake, you have a lot of nerve speaking in the community and admitting to such things and BACK IN THE DAY YOUR AOA WAS NORMAL. GET OUT"

Alright, fine, I'm "normal". Let me just go talk openly with my public identify in public, let me tell people casually, let's see how that goes.

There are a great deal of hebes but it bothers me seeing bits of elitism and hate emerging. I'm mainly just overreacting to few bad apples. I'm very sensitive, like I said: Peter Pan Syndrome.

I would like to try out the community you mentioned, do they have a forum? I've tried many places, including Virped, even though I do not agree with everything they say, including their self hating nature.

Ironically I've had far less posts approved there than here! I follow the rules but every girl related post I've made has been rejected which pisses me off because I put a lot of my heart and effort into my posts, explaining things and pouring my heart out. Its a platform for me because I'm very shy socially and coming out online and being able to talk on forums helps a lot. Even a little.

I truly wish our kind had more venues of discussion and places to be ourselves, other groups do and I'm talking little things, like steam groups, more communities, maybe even a PRO-map streaming group (for stuff like games)since a lot of our numbers are younger folk, in their 20s. Just to show people we are human beings and not just cloven hoofed demons wearing flesh suits

I think a lot of people imagine us like the pedophile character on the movie "Little Children", I don't know if you've seen it or not, he is a side character, played by Jackie Earle Haley. His character is more of a subplot, the film is mainly a romance. But he is a previously offending pedophile (sex offender) and makes futile attempts to fit into society but keeps reverting back into his uncontrollable perverted persona.

That's how 999% of society views us.

Alas, I'm pessimistic though and really do no foresee anything like that happening anytime soon. Not in my lifetime and I'm a mostly hebe.

So mostly I would just like to chat, relate stories to others and discuss different things.

I hope we can talk more.

Hi, let me first say that yes, I agree completely about what you say having to do with people seeing us as sick horrific monsters with a compulsion to offend over and over. Sigh. Anyway, it's not exactly a forum? It's through Google groups, though from what I understand, you shouldn't have so much trouble posting out there. I also agree about Verped, based on my own perceptions of course, and not trying to start anything with those who are members...I can be quite sensitive as well, so no worries there. Feel free to message me any time you want to talk. I'm glad your mom has come to understand, at least to a degree, what you face. I don't understand why people would assume you're faking this. Why would someone risk doing something like that? Grrr. Yah, there are a lot of stupid/judgmental people out there unfortunately.

Hey we can play some World of Warcraft sometime if you're down Just shoot me your battle.net and we can play

I'm not very active anymore but lately I've wanted to get back to wow. Also no worries about your anxiety, I'm also socially awkward , dodging skype calls and all that stuff hahah

LiloFan wrote:Hi, let me first say that yes, I agree completely about what you say having to do with people seeing us as sick horrific monsters with a compulsion to offend over and over. Sigh. Anyway, it's not exactly a forum? It's through Google groups, though from what I understand, you shouldn't have so much trouble posting out there. I also agree about Verped, based on my own perceptions of course, and not trying to start anything with those who are members...I can be quite sensitive as well, so no worries there. Feel free to message me any time you want to talk. I'm glad your mom has come to understand, at least to a degree, what you face. I don't understand why people would assume you're faking this. Why would someone risk doing something like that? Grrr. Yah, there are a lot of stupid/judgmental people out there unfortunately.

Yes, VIRP seems to be a decent enough community, I've met some nice members there and chatted with a few. Its an alright place. Thanks, I probably will message you.

iamnarc123 wrote:Hey we can play some World of Warcraft sometime if you're down Just shoot me your battle.net and we can play

I'm not very active anymore but lately I've wanted to get back to wow. Also no worries about your anxiety, I'm also socially awkward , dodging skype calls and all that stuff hahah

l just don't know if I can feel safe doing that given your user name .

I'm mostly kidding though, been kind of struggling to just log on recently with depression and I'm not currently in a raiding guild so I just do LFR for my legendary on my warlock and druid, which is quite boring, was leveling a blood death knight but I'm almost done with that (94). I need to buy the new Diablo 3 expansion and SC2 one.

I'm not very good or anything, haven't pvped in months though but I'm sure we could do something, my battlenet list is pretty barren now.

Do you play any other games? I recently downloaded League of Legends, thinking of getting into that. I played Heroes of the Storm, had fun with a match but it made my computer chug with all the crazy stuff going on. I probably won't get into it much until I build my new computer in feb/march when I have the funds.

I guess we can talk more about bnet/WoW stuff in PM, thanks for your offer.

Hiya Mordor,

While I'm not officially diagnosed and I don't think I'm "actually" on the autistic spectrum, I do have some of the traits (difficulty with friendships etc.), which I attribute to my childhood. Can I infer from your screenname that you're a Tolkien buff? I am too also, non-exclusive pedophile here, attracted to girls from about 3 to around 7 or 8.

Sorry if this a "stereotypical" thing to ask, but are you into board/card games at all, particularly "serious" games with lots of depth, uniqueness, and strategy? I just feel like that falls under "things that autistic or autistic-ish people can do to socialize" and I have found some friends that way.

Goddammit, it forgot all the $#%^ I typed. ###$ it, I'll try to summarize.

I'm a BL. AOA is 5+, 10 preferred. Oh, and I'm non-exclusive.

School said I was autistic with Asperger's.

I don't self-harm, I had to suffer thru a potential boyfriend who cut.

I'm very lonely, I drive people away because I'm so negative all the time.

I never had a boyfriend, boys always got sick of me before we started hanging out in person.

Oh, and I don't use proprietary software, including Skype and World of Warcraft. See gnu.org or fsf.org or stallman.org for details.