Trigger Warning: I need to talk about my paedophillia

Intheuk, feel free to PM me and I will answer what I can.

InTheUK wrote:

hatemyself35 wrote:Part of my bail conditions is not to watch porn of any description, which I thought was a bit harsh. I wonder if they periodically check? I haven't slipped yet.

I'll have to re-check the paper work but I'm 99.9% sure my only bail condition is no unsupervised contact with anyone under 16 - fair enough.

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(2 days since last relapse)

Well yes I think everyone gets that. Not a problem for me, I don't even like kids much and avoid them anyway.

hatemyself35 wrote:Part of my bail conditions is not to watch porn of any description, which I thought was a bit harsh. I wonder if they periodically check? I haven't slipped yet.

That is harsh. If you were gay it would be homophobic. Are you sure this is a condition? I've not come across that before.

hatemyself35 wrote:Same boat as me, but the difference is I've had no desire at all to look for this kind of stuff once I was arrested and bailed. This says to me I never had an addiction at all, and I just used to search this stuff out as more of a habit than anything and because I could. I also hardly ever masturbated to the stuff because I find adult amateur porn to be more pleasing,

But since you seem to find it hard to genuinely stop I guess you really do have an addiction/attraction to children. I never gave kids a second look in 'the real world'.

This might be one @Airwolffan can shed some light on from the perspective of the other end of the rehabilitation system. Right now the best I can come up with is - I'm very sexually confused!

In the real world I find anyone under about 26 far too immature to even consider a relationship with. Underneath their clothes pubescent boys might hold a curious attraction but as soon as they open their mouths to speak the illusion is broken. Strangely enough I've only ever been sexually attracted to older females, although I do 'notice' teenage girls (It can be hard not to), but having seen pictures of naked woman of all ages I find their bodies something of a turn off.

You're in the UK right? Have you contacted the Lucy Foundation yet? They recommend a couple of interesting reads - "In the Shadows of the Internet", and "The Porn Trap". I found the later to be more interesting and relevant, spoke to me and my circumstances.

I'd say I have a deeply learned sexual response from discovering and masturbating to pictures of naked boys found in Usenet newsgroups back in the early 90's. I've never wanted to act out on any associated fantasies, but I've learned to associate sex with masturbation and those images.

I'd say the cycle has become - boredom -> images -> masturbation. I need to cut out the middle man.

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(3 days since last relapse)

andrew926535 wrote:2 years ago I talked to a psychiatrist and asked him to get me medication. I've been on Lupron for 2 years now and I haven't had any urge to look at any kind of porn. It's really great. I have nosexual desire at all.

I sincerely hope medication is not the answer, or if it is it won't effect my chances at a normal sex life. Irony of all ironies (and total jealousy of my younger siblings), I'd love a chance at fatherhood one day. If I can get passed my issues around the naked female body, I only need to find someone who doesn't run a mile when I introduce my self - "Hi, my name is InTheUK and I'm on the sex offenders register for downloading child porn"...

But then if they don't run away from me as quick as they can, what does that say about them? "You're into kiddie porn and I'm okay with that"?

It's a mixed up, screwed up world, and I'm over analysing stuff that in the grand scheme of things isn't really that important right now. God I want to answer my bail and get this all over with so I can move on with my life...

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(3 days since last relapse)

cumulusjames wrote:

hatemyself35 wrote:Part of my bail conditions is not to watch porn of any description, which I thought was a bit harsh. I wonder if they periodically check? I haven't slipped yet.

That is harsh. If you were gay it would be homophobic. Are you sure this is a condition? I've not come across that before.

Yes, I've got the paperwork in front of me. 'Not to watch porn of any description' - I'm not a monk

hatemyself35 wrote:

cumulusjames wrote:

hatemyself35 wrote:Part of my bail conditions is not to watch porn of any description, which I thought was a bit harsh. I wonder if they periodically check? I haven't slipped yet.

That is harsh. If you were gay it would be homophobic. Are you sure this is a condition? I've not come across that before.

Yes, I've got the paperwork in front of me. 'Not to watch porn of any description' - I'm not a monk

That's outrageous. In fact, its a human rights issue. Whether anyone likes it or not pornography is part of the human experience these days.

It's also hard to quantify what constitutes 'porn'.

InTheUK wrote:
I sincerely hope medication is not the answer, or if it is it won't effect my chances at a normal sex life. Irony of all ironies (and total jealousy of my younger siblings), I'd love a chance at fatherhood one day. If I can get passed my issues around the naked female body, I only need to find someone who doesn't run a mile when I introduce my self - "Hi, my name is InTheUK and I'm on the sex offenders register for downloading child porn"...

But then if they don't run away from me as quick as they can, what does that say about them? "You're into kiddie porn and I'm okay with that"?

It's a mixed up, screwed up world, and I'm over analysing stuff that in the grand scheme of things isn't really that important right now. God I want to answer my bail and get this all over with so I can move on with my life...

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(3 days since last relapse)

I know only too well wanting a partner to have that intimate part of my life with, I also know how it feels to have to worry about telling a potential partner I am also on the SO register for my crime.

But if someone does accept it and still want to be with you then it does not mean they are OK with it, but they are a decent human being that can accept you have done something bad and have changed your life around. If you truly care for someone and they care for you it is hard for them to disown you when they truly know what you are like as a person.

I also know how hard it is wanting to get it over with and know what your fate is and having an idea of what you are going to face in the future. Once you know what your fate is and what your dealing with it does get easier.

You found how easy it is to lapse back into the behaviour you don't want because you have trained your brain to travel down the neural 'quick and dirty' route towards the reward centers which will produce feel good chemicals e.g. dopamine in response to these images. You are most likely to have rituals around viewiing these images e.g. place, time of day, after news at ten, etc. So if you are continuing with the same daily 'routine' as you had prior to being caught, then of course your brain will automatically follow the quick and dirty route, to the reward centers. This route, 'bypasses' the cognitive/thinking centers of the brain, i.e. you don't have time to 'think' about what you are doing - it is an ingrained habit and before you know it, you are viewing those images again. You need to disrupt your routines and any rituals - signalling things are different to your brain. Yes you need to get out on your bike, particularly at the times during the day that you would view the images. Hot sweaty out of breath exercise e.g. on your bike, will release other chemicals in the brain, that will help with the feel good factor. You need to re-train your brain away from the images and the stimulation of the reward centers - to receiving feel good factors from exercise and other right brain healing activities, (such as, anything creative, e.g. listening to music, art, drawing or journaling your feelings, woodwork etc). You have spoken about wanting an adult relationship and possibly children in the future. First of all, you need to have an open and honest relationship with yourself. If you can take some time to identify what your values in life are and what kind of person you want to be, this will help you have 'goals' to work towards and perhaps that those goals will not include watching illegal images. No matter how daunting it may feel now, you can stop watching images if you are committed to that and you can make healthier choices about yourself and your life. Re medication. SSRI's (antidepressant) medication can help with mental obsessions and physical cravings. It's good that you are going to work with a Therapist from the Lucy Faithful Foundation. I wish you luck in moving forward in a safe and healthy way.