Trigger Warning: I need to talk about my paedophillia

Okay, so I found this forum by searching "child porn addict therapy forum" in google, and it seems to be the only place out there for these types of discussions, so here I am.

The worst has happened and I've, thankfully, finally, been arrested. I'm currently on bail while the police dissect my hard drives and am in the process of arranging therapy through the Lucy Faithful Foundation.

In an effort to do something else while on the net and stop myself from re-offending (I'm ashamed to say I've slipped five times in the past couple of months since my arrest) I want to talk with others and explore my story as much to understand myself as to perhaps help others who stumble upon this and find themselves in a similar situation.

No holds barred, other than changes to protect the innocent where necessary, I'm willing to post here honestly any details about any aspect of my life, paedophilia, arrest, feelings, whatever.

So perhaps a little about myself is in order to get the ball rolling...

I'm a forty-something year old male living in England. For the past decade or so I've been heavily involved in computer networking and education. Around June time the police finally got around to knocking on my door with serious questions over my use of the Internet, particularly collecting images and videos naked children, including some engaged in sexual acts.

I am very disturbed that I actually enjoy(ed) viewing this stuff and am pleased in a way at being arrested as I see it as an opportunity to completely turn my life around.

So, over to you guys, ask me anything...

It is hard to stop such habits when no one knows what you are up to, but when you are caught for it by the legal system it really turns your life upside down, I know I have been there.

Chin up and learn to break free completely from that habit, you have to stop as continuing will just make things even worse for you in the long run.

It is possible but it takes hard work and depends possibly on whether you get a custodial sentence or not I guess as that can be a big factor of how you deal with it.

Either way I wish you the best of luck in turning your life around, search my posts and you will find quite a blog of my experience of being arrested for the same crime.

The most important thing is to never give up, otherwise you will just feel like your life is over and that is not a good place to be.

airwolffan wrote:Either way I wish you the best of luck in turning your life around, search my posts and you will find quite a blog of my experience of being arrested for the same crime.

I was hoping you'd see my post. I'd already looked around and read your first post here. I could have written myself, almost word for word, with only very minor differences! The biggest difference, of course, is you've been through this process and I'm pretty much were you were at when you first posted here!

God, I've got so many questions for you I don't know were to start. Life growing up, the legal process, sentencing, life afterwards, work, ..., ...

When I posted I was thinking of a more conversational approach rather than just coming here and unloading my story in a wall of text. However, having read your story, I'm now worried you might think I'm trying to troll you!

If you're up for a bit of mutual Q&A then I really do think it might help me sort my head out and possibly start understanding myself better.

Chin up and learn to break free completely from that habit, you have to stop as continuing will just make things even worse for you in the long run.

I know, I know. What has scared me is how easy slipping was and how easy the justification came. I think my IT background has worked against me. Knowing how to bypass restrictions I've put in place to view a certain site, and knowing that being caught for this is nigh on impossible, but also knowing the slippery slope into more serious re-offending this will trigger if left unchecked, and I would be caught for (again), is scary.

I've got to stop. I'm ashamed to admit the last slip was over the weekend. No more! I've got to find ways of being left alone without falling in to the old boredom surfing habits. Maybe it's the excuse I need to get the bike out the garage?

Same boat as me, but the difference is I've had no desire at all to look for this kind of stuff once I was arrested and bailed. This says to me I never had an addiction at all, and I just used to search this stuff out as more of a habit than anything and because I could. I also hardly ever masturbated to the stuff because I find adult amateur porn to be more pleasing, personally. I think I'd liken it to ISIS videos in my case - you watch them even though you know you will not get any real pleasure from doing so. There is a curiosity, nonetheless. And if those ISIS videos were illegal and not readily available I probably would have searched for them illegally, too. But since you seem to find it hard to genuinely stop I guess you really do have an addiction/attraction to children. I never gave kids a second look in 'the real world'.

hatemyself35 wrote:Same boat as me, but the difference is I've had no desire at all to look for this kind of stuff once I was arrested and bailed.

There is a curiosity, nonetheless.

That's what I thought, and for a couple of weeks after the arrest I thought I was right. Yet some how something pulled me back to the periphery.

Just had a very big moment. Gave the police the password to my encrypted hard drive...

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(2 days since the last relapse...)

Let me tell you my story. I was in a similar place as you just a couple of years ago. I have never been arrested but it was bound to happen if I continued.
I tried everything to stop. I would try to look at adult porn but there would always come a point when that wouldn't do it for me so I would give up on my goal. I really had no control over my own decisions. If I cut off my internet entirely, that worked for a little while but then I would find it somewhere else.
2 years ago I talked to a psychiatrist and asked him to get me medication. I've been on Lupron for 2 years now and I haven't had any urge to look at any kind of porn. It's really great. I have nosexual desire at all.
Therapy is definitely an option but I really don't think that would have helped me. I needed to find something that would turn me on and unfortunately illegal materials were the only option. Medication works and it's really great.
I'm not pushing meds or saying everybody would is a pedophile should be castrated but it's something to think about.

Before anything - did you lawyer not tell you keep your mouth (and typing fingers) shut? I understand you're happy that you got caught so that now you can get some help, but the prosecutor is not there to help you. He's there to maximize the trouble you're going to get into, and that can hardly put you on the path to recovery.

The courts don't understand the power of this addiction, or any addiction for that matter. I too have a socially unaccepted sexual addiction. Fortunately indulging my sexual addiction is legal, but I've seen first hand the addictive potency of pedophilia in the man who sexually exploited me as a child. If he missed even one day of having that form of gratification, he had withdrawal in every way as distressing as heroin withdrawal.

Unless they experience it first hand, no one thinks of addiction as an illness, especially the addiction of pedophiles. My exploiter's entire life became those brief episodes with me, episodes that lasted about as long as a TV commercial, yet dominated his life like nothing else. And in between episodes, his life was anticipating the next one. If this isn't a sickness, nothing is. He didn't choose that. He had no choice. And to say he did is like throwing a man off a cliff, then, as he's falling, blaming him for choosing gravity. And, by the way, his escalation to actual sex with an actual child (me) started with porn magazines.

So I applaud you for seeking out others to talk with about this. Any therapist worth his/her salt will tell you that being able to speak openly, freely, and without whitewashing or making excuses is the first, and most important step to recovery. And that includes gory details. But please take my advice and don't start talking details to ANYONE until your court case is over.

Papergirl wrote:Before anything - did you lawyer not tell you keep your mouth (and typing fingers) shut?

Funnily enough - no!

The courts don't understand the power of this addiction, or any addiction for that matter. I too have a socially unaccepted sexual addiction. Fortunately indulging my sexual addiction is legal, but I've seen first hand the addictive potency of pedophilia in the man who sexually exploited me as a child. If he missed even one day of having that form of gratification, he had withdrawal in every way as distressing as heroin withdrawal.

All things considered, that's amazingly understanding - not sure I understand what makes someone cross that line, couldn't imagine doing it myself. Maybe the porn has helped stop me? Or maybe, it's been silently pushing me down that time and it's only a matter of time. I pray I never find out.

So I applaud you for seeking out others to talk with about this. Any therapist worth his/her salt will tell you that being able to speak openly, freely, and without whitewashing or making excuses is the first, and most important step to recovery. And that includes gory details. But please take my advice and don't start talking details to ANYONE until your court case is over.

I intend to plead guilty at any rate, I'll take your advise on board and endeavour not to say too much. It'd seriously surprise me if the police are not reading my e-mails and followed the account activation link here.

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(2 days since last relapse)

Part of my bail conditions is not to watch porn of any description, which I thought was a bit harsh. I wonder if they periodically check? I haven't slipped yet.

hatemyself35 wrote:Part of my bail conditions is not to watch porn of any description, which I thought was a bit harsh. I wonder if they periodically check? I haven't slipped yet.

I'll have to re-check the paper work but I'm 99.9% sure my only bail condition is no unsupervised contact with anyone under 16 - fair enough.

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(2 days since last relapse)