Trigger Warning: I need to talk about my paedophillia

This is silly...

So today I'm on my own again. Not a problem, taken up online poker to keep my mind away from other things (play money :p). Got the TV on for background noise, poker game going, masturbated in the shower this morning, shouldn't be any problems right?

No, my laptop needed restarting, restore web browser pages. What sets me off? A CROGA page of all things on 'problematic collecting'. My brain instantly jumps to how easy it would be start start collecting images again. So much for self help!

Still a quick post here and back to the online poker should get my mind out of the gutter.

airwolffan wrote:
I know only too well wanting a partner to have that intimate part of my life with, I also know how it feels to have to worry about telling a potential partner I am also on the SO register for my crime.

It's not just the SO register though is it? If you're lucky enough with sentencing there will hopefully come a time when you're no longer on the register. If you meet someone after that do you still tell them, you used to be on the register? If you try to hide it, do you live in fear of knowledgeable family members letting the cat out of the bag?

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(4 days since last relapse)

Even when I'm not on the register anymore I think it is easier to be honest with a partner, otherwise you will always be waiting for the day they find out if you don't tell them. It certainly by telling someone would prove how much they care about you if they still want to be with you in my opinion.

Feeling antsy today. With people about it's hard to do anything about it (a mixed blessing). If I was left alone I think this might be the trigger, danger time. I need to sort myself out without relapsing. Tomorrow I've got an important phone call with the Lucy Faithfull Foundation, so that's going to distract me somewhat.

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(1 week, 2 days since last relapse)

Best wishes, best luck to you and... Believe it or not, congratulations. You seem to be in the right place for this issue. I've read all the posts and the advice has been fantastic.

I have also been charged, sentenced and did prison time for the exact same crime. I am in the USA. Stay open, honest and transparent. Get the help you need and painfully, use the help that's available to you. It's hard to do, because we as men want to do it by ourselves. But others who have been in very similar situations are the best support system you could have. Family support is important too, but they'll never understand the addictive need for this particular form of pornography.

Being happy about getting caught is actually a good thing. It shows that you want to change. It shows that you have an open mind and accepting of needed counseling.

I wish you success in the future. Rely on the help available.

Dont hesitate to PM me if you have any questions as well as PM'ing the others who offered assistance. Even though I'm not in the same country, having a similar charge might be able to help.

One last thing... This will probably be one of the most difficult things you'll ever be faced with. Accept it as that.

Thanks for the kind words @spott1207. I'm viewing all this as a journey I need to pass through on to the next stage of my life. Got to admit, it's the opening up that has me most worried, especially to a group of strangers - some of who are likely to have committed acts I'd consider vile.

But then I'm using these forums as a way of getting used to opening up anonymously before I have to do it for real, so to speak. Family know the basic but I doubt I could ever tell them the full extent of my offending.

I'm currently worried about the impending trial and how much detail needs to be given in open court after I plead guilty. Really wouldn't want them in the gallery listening to unsavoury facts. Especially since our legal term for 'downloading' in these cases is 'making'. Don't want parents to thing I've been involved with actually photographing or filming any of this material.

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(1 week and 6 days since last relapse)

The court part is the worst part especially if you have a terrible lawyer like I did, my charges were huge but for small offences, listed individually they sounded awful and my lawyer had told me at the very beginning not to plead guilty as he would get the making charges dropped as they were other peoples avatars, but he did nothing, they only read out the charges not what the actual items were if that helps.

I was charged with downloading, making and distribution, despite it being just one person I shared with and that person being a police officer.

The justice system is not out to help you, just to get things dealt with as quickly as possible.

The charge "making indecent images" can not be changed it is the legal terminology for downloading an image off the internet via however you access the images.

It simply means you have made a copy of that image from downloading it or parts of it from the internet.

If you are open and honest and are advised to plead guilty as early as possible there will not be a trial at least there wasn't for me, I had to confirm my name and the charges were read out.

The prosecution made there statement of facts, my defence made their statement of facts and the judge then sentenced me.

It took probably no more than 15 mins and I was told I was free to go after they had dealt with my paperwork.

I think when you are guilty why waste the courts time and your own just get it over and done with and accept the punishment, just be prepared and have a good defence team.

Either mine were good or I was very lucky on the day, I don't really know which it was but I got the outcome I hoped for.

Mine did say if they said very little in my defence that I didn't need to worry why they didn't say much as the judge had already indicated to them he was going to go along with the recommendations of the prosecution and defence teams.

I think my verdict was already decided before we even entered the courtroom as the judge had previously had time to view my file from the CPS and my police record and the defence and prosecution recommendation earlier.

The judge also told me I was lucky not to be getting sent down like an almost identical case earlier in the day.

I also think the pre-sentence report and what you say to them is important as they use that to decide if a custodial sentence or a more appropriate supervision sentence is the best chance of your rehabilitation.

Just my thoughts based on my experience but personally I would not have gone for a trial as that would have taken longer and every little detail would be picked out not to mention being questioned by both the prosecution and defence teams.

airwolffan wrote:If you are open and honest and are advised to plead guilty as early as possible there will not be a trial at least there wasn't for me, I had to confirm my name and the charges were read out.

The prosecution made there statement of facts, my defence made their statement of facts and the judge then sentenced me.

This is the bit that worries me. What did the prosecution detail in their statement of facts? And of course the legal terminology, 'making', I'd hate for family to insist to come along thinking their being supportive only to hear something they don't like and get completely the wrong idea about me.

Mine did say if they said very little in my defence that I didn't need to worry why they didn't say much as the judge had already indicated to them he was going to go along with the recommendations of the prosecution and defence teams.

I think my verdict was already decided before we even entered the courtroom as the judge had previously had time to view my file from the CPS and my police record and the defence and prosecution recommendation earlier.

My understanding is this is normal for all cases, especially for those pleading guilty. As you say below, the pre-sentencing report pretty much decides your case before you turn up for the official preceedings.

The judge also told me I was lucky not to be getting sent down like an almost identical case earlier in the day.

This also worries me. I'm half expecting to be sent down. I'm sure there are a lot of almost identical cases like ours, but the minor factual differences damn some of us more than others.

I also think the pre-sentence report and what you say to them is important as they use that to decide if a custodial sentence or a more appropriate supervision sentence is the best chance of your rehabilitation.

This is the part of the system I really don't understand. I assume there are a series of meetings between the magistrates court and crown court with the CPS and the more open and honest you and your solicitor are with them, the better it will be for your final sentencing?

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(2 weeks and 1 day since last relapse)

I can't remember a lot of the wording but the charges all related to making and possessing indecent images of children.

They did also read out search terms I had used in graphic detail to find such things which was very horrible and also made my mum cry when she heard them read out and the look on her face as she looked at me made me feel so worthless. But she got through it and so did I.

Yes it is true minor differences in the charges can ultimately affect your sentence possibilities, for example if you are charged for distributing the images to others as that would be an extra charge that I was not charged with.

As for the pre-sentence report, you will have to go your probation office and see someone who works with the SO team, they will ask you lots of questions about yourself and why you looked at the images, they also made me fill out a questionnaire from memory. They will then do a pre-sentence report based upon the meeting as to whether you are most likely to benefit from from a custodial sentence or a treatment sentence. Again your police history if you have one or not may also be taken into account. I had never been in trouble with the police in my life other than for speeding tickets, I had never ever been arrested and spent a night in a cell for anything.

-- Mon Oct 12, 2015 9:45 am --

Luck probably also plays a big part in it too, they can't send everyone for the same type of crime to jail as there just isn't the capacity in the prison system. If you are the first guy in my example then yes custody may well be imposed, if you are me in my example then a treatment order would be more likely. I have no idea how many similar cases went before me on that day but know at least one did and got a custodial sentence.

Again make sure they use you criminal record if clean to ensure the best outcome along with character references, if you already have criminal convictions then custody is more likely to be imposed again if you are deemed to be a threat to the general public or any specific children custody is much more likely.

I worried people would think that making mean't I was physically taking the pictures of children myself, all you can do is explain to them beforehand what that terminology means so they have an understanding that it means making them by downloading or copying parts of them off the internet.

It's the distributing part that will get me to jail. I wish I hadn't admitted that part now as I don't think they would have been able to prove it.