Guilt? how to deal with being in love....

Hi everyone. I'm a 30 year old female who really cares for her significant other but is unable to reach climax during sex thinking about my partner, my personal paraphilias include pain and death* (not my own death), not to go too much into detail because I realize it's weird and freaky to people. I feel guilty because of this and almost like I'm lying to him. I love sex so this doesn't stop me from having intimate relations but still. And it makes me feel like a crazy person. Just wondering if other people feel that guilt and if so what to do about it? *I would never hurt anyone not actively trying to kill me or anything, I'm not a danger to myself or others. I just like what I like.

So can you only reach climax by fantasising about pain and death? Do you enjoy feeling pain or the thought of it? The thought of you receiving it, inflicting it or someone else inflicting it? Would thinking about your partner torturing and murdering his way to your rescue help you reach climax during sex?

So have you not told him about it? Could that help in your sex life if he did accept it?