Hypersexual with paraphilia help

Hi,

I am new to this and very nervous about posting here. I never really share this stuff with anyone but I am having a very miserable life because I am so sexually charged and feeling so guilty about it.

I am deeply introspective and not in the slightest bit naive about what I am going through. I am actually in my late 30s and have been suffering badly now for a good 12 years or so. I was never abused as a child and I am in a normal and healthy relationship with an amazing woman that loves me and whom I love. I have however, exhausted all avenues of trying to find peace with this because it is with me all of the time. I tried mediation, religion of all sorts, medication and spoke with many therapists but I could never quite be honest with them because I was too embarrassed so I am going to put it out here as a last resort.

I am hyper-sexual probably due to being a very creative person, I have many talents and a very crazy, busy creative mind which is beautiful sometimes but it also makes my sexual fantasies crazy too. I was very promiscuous throughout my early years and experimented with both sexes. I am still deeply embarrassed, shame-ridden and guilty about this and no one knows about it except me and the two same-sex people it happened with. It really damaged my self image because I am predominantly heterosexual.

So I won't go on too much, but that is one of my issues. However, the main problem nowadays is with my paraphilia(s). I have always had trichophilia, I am turned on by women's hairstyles, especially particular ones. I always loved them even as a teenager and masturbated to them for years. Problem worsened during my late twenties when I had spent an awful lot of time alone after some bad break ups. The masturbation evolved a little bit because it was the only means of sexual gratification that I had at the time.

One day I masturbated to similar hairstyles on pre-teen girls. I felt very guilty afterwards and rarely ever did it again but then I began to notice them more out in public. I am now terrified that I may have somehow awakened paedophilia too even though I would never dream of even touching a child and I never looked at or don't ever intend to look at them naked. In fact I don't find the naked form attractive.

Can this even develop so late in life?? I feel like I have opened some door that I can't close and I still find myself looking at their hair in public but I'm not sure if I see them as beautiful too or if it is just the hair. This is really messing with me right now. I had hoped that it would just go away and it hasn't. I do however remain predominantly attracted to adult women, with or without the hairstyles. I feel like I have half right and half wrong wiring. Also my sex drive hasn't diminished at all with age and I still get turned on everywhere I go.

I really do feel like the lowest of the low and I basically don't want to obsess over it any more but now the guilt is causing extreme anxiety and despite all of my efforts to control it and to tell myself I am the good person that everyone else says I am, some days I can't even look people in the eyes. I keep thinking that people can see through my outer fascade into some monster below. I am having trouble forming new friendships because my self image is so damaged. Does anyone have any suggestions of what I can do?

First, I'm sorry you're having so much trouble, it seems like this really bothers you.

I wouldn't consider you a monster at all, having an intense libido is nothing to be ashamed of, and don't let society tell you it's "dangerous" either. However I can see how it could really get in the way of things...I'm afraid I can't be too much help with your specific fetish since I don't really have it, but I do have a very intense libido and I've been told I was "too intense" for my past partners. My libido I suppose is easier to hide body wise because I'm female, but it does get in the way sometimes and I feel guilty always wanting things, I worry my partner will think the only thing I want from them is sex, or that I see them as an object or something like that..

What I do is I find an outlet for my energy when I get turned on (which, considering I have a fetish for certain voices, is often) I either draw whatever I'm thinking about or I write about it. Another option I do is I listen to music to distract me from it. I listen to slow music as opposed to fast music which turns me on more, or music I wouldn't normally like, so it sort of ebbs the feelings away, kinda killing the arousal.

Also I doubt you're having awakened pedophilia. If you don't want sexual contact with them and are only noticing an attractive feature on a younger girl (like her hair) that seems pretty innocent to me. I myself (I'm bi, leaning towards girls) prefer girls with smaller breasts and small frames. Sometimes I notice these features on younger girls and blush a little, but it doesn't mean I want sexual contact with them or have a specific attraction to minors, I just find those features cute.

You've probably already tried this but have you looked at the side effects of your medication, if you're on any? I know certain medicines can increase or lower your libido, though that works differently for everyone.

Hi there,
Thanks for replying Acuriousghost. I feel much better from what you said. I really suffer alone with this so someone telling you that you aren't that bad is a pleasant change
I am indeed in agreement with you that a healthy libido is nothing to be ashamed about but I guess what bothers me most is when the young girls hairstyle thing enters my masturbation fantasy. I know this has little to do with reality and what will ever happen in my day to day life but honestly I get huge amounts of guilt from where my mind wanders during masturbation. I try not t do it at all if I can help it but not sure that is good for me either. Things which are faux pas, forbidden fruit so to speak heighten the rush that I get. However, the thoughts in those fantasies are never about touching them sexually, only about how their hair looked or maybe at the more extreme about my doing their hairstyle for them.

So yes, it is a difficult one to analyse. I am still stuck in a kind of guilt loop over it. Can make myself really strong through rationalisation but then after fantasising or masturbating, the guilt and shame comes washing over me setting me back to where I was.

I m not really on any medication and I m not sure what I would take to reduce my sex drive. I m really quite lost for an answer to it right now but I so appreciate any advice or feedback you may have.