Male Pedo Reaching Out for Support

Hello everyone,

First, I must admit that I do feel unsafe posting here, even with all the measures of online anonymity I can think of being put to use in doing so. I have been lurking for a few days, and I read about how one user was visited by police after his first few posts. I can only conclude that this means that his internet service provider must be reporting to the authorities. I read about another user who was raided after viewing underage porn on a Tor browser. This means that Tor is no longer a secure browser. At this point, It is best for me to assume that, in the surveillance and police states we Westerners now live in, there is no such thing as web anonymity anymore.

Despite all this, I am still choosing to reach out because I'm afraid of what I'll do if left to my own devices, and because I've decided that my life can't go on the way it has. I am a bit puzzled as to why I have not yet been raided, as I'm certain the authorities are aware of certain web crimes I've committed in the past. Whatever the reason, from the breakdown I had last night I have taken away that I am being given a second chance at life -- a true second chance -- because my record is clean and, thank God or the Universe or Whatever, I have never harmed a child.

That said, I must admit the pedo thing is probably just a phase for me. I am attracted to women my own age, so I'm non-exclusive, and if my life hadn't taken a turn for the worse several years ago I would probably be living an average kind of life right now: girlfriend, car, job, friends, etc.

There are a few people on here whose stories deeply touched me and encouraged me to join the community:

@airwolffan
@cumulusjames
@HowardCL

Godspeed to you all, especially CJ as you are in the most fearsome interval of the legal process. I commend you on staying brave and optimistic thus far. I don't really pray, but I will be sure to ask for succor from God, the Universe, or Whatever, so that your sentence isn't sadistic but rather helps you live a life within the boundaries of our society. I feel for you three very much. This is one of the few places where we can actually receive understanding and sympathy, and not hatred and revulsion as is common in our society.

Every society has had its Others, it seems to me, and unfortunately we have been singled out to be the Others of this society. For better or worse, these are the rules of the world we live in, and in order to live a decent life these rules must be followed. My life needs to change, because there are people who still care about me and who do not want to see me go down this path, and of course because I myself want to live a happy and fulfilling life.

Anyway, that is all for now, but I will be posting around...

Sent you a PM buddy.

Well done for reaching out for support, I wish I had had the courage to find and reach out to anyone a long time ago, either here or friends or family, my life would probably be quite different now If I had.

Tor is not safe no. Well it perhaps is not Tor but I think the Feds and that are up to such mischief as putting malicious code in files you might download.

Starfire_777 wrote:Godspeed to you all, especially CJ as you are in the most fearsome interval of the legal process. I commend you on staying brave and optimistic thus far. I don't really pray, but I will be sure to ask for succor from God, the Universe, or Whatever, so that your sentence isn't sadistic but rather helps you live a life within the boundaries of our society. I feel for you three very much. This is one of the few places where we can actually receive understanding and sympathy, and not hatred and revulsion as is common in our society.

Unfortunately I am under no illusions. I am in fact the living dead. The results of the process means that I will not ever be able to have friends or a partner, I will likely never have a job again and I am very likely to become homeless as a result. So long as I exist I am to be hounded as "evil wicked pervert" for at least the next decade. My miserable life will no doubt end under some bridge in London soon enough. I have sat in silence living as in solitary confinement this past year.

I wouldn't mind except I was such an adolescent as I viewed doing the things they were at those ages so I know full well what was depicted was a million miles away from what the victimologists would have you believe. Such things were all that made growing up gay in the 90's bearable. Since I was a boy I was never ever permitted by society (or the law) to just be who I was.

Miserable end to a miserable life.

I am and always have been the outsider.

I know what you mean Starfire. I was also really hesitant to join and post anything here. I'm not that savvy with internet security and anonymity... I'm using TOR but I'm afraid it won't be enough. I wasn't aware of the users you posted about... That's really scary. Maybe I should just give up after all. Or maybe my door is gonna get knocked down tomorrow.

It's really sad how society makes it so we have to live in constant fear. We can't reach out for support because it's such a hot issue -- everyone just assumes we're guilty of the worst once they learn of our pedophilia. Hatred and revulsion indeed. I couldn't even tell my therapist in fear that he'd report me.

Welcome to the forum and you are safe on here. I don't believe the person that said they posted on here and a day later he was busted. I think that is just a cheap way of trying to scare people off that are pedophiles that come here to confide in who and what they are. I am exclusively attracted to children and coming here is a healthy outlet to get out the feeling I have about being a pedophile.

cumulusjames wrote:Tor is not safe no. Well it perhaps is not Tor but I think the Feds and that are up to such mischief as putting malicious code in files you might download.

Yeah, and posting links leading to content tied to sting operations, etc. Their tactics are becoming quite low, continually baiting people into actions they arguably might otherwise not be tempted to commit. It's astounding and disturbing to me just how easy it is to access underage porn, even on mainstream porn sites.

Regarding Tor, and I'm no great shakes at computers by any means, it is my belief that they are and have been assembling teams of increasingly talented hackers and such people to crack the security measures in place in such tools. Think Cicada 3301, which is thought by some to be a recruiting operation for the NSA...and not to mention people like Edward Snowden.

In any case, it is in my best interests to assume that no web browsing is truly anonymous anymore; I will keep telling myself this constantly from here on out.

cumulusjames wrote:Unfortunately I am under no illusions. I am in fact the living dead. The results of the process means that I will not ever be able to have friends or a partner, I will likely never have a job again and I am very likely to become homeless as a result. So long as I exist I am to be hounded as "evil wicked pervert" for at least the next decade. My miserable life will no doubt end under some bridge in London soon enough. I have sat in silence living as in solitary confinement this past year.

You know, I was thinking along those exact lines myself, but it seems that not every person in law enforcement and not every non-paraphiliac in our society harbors nothing but the utmost revulsion and hatred for people like us, and this is particularly so with pedophiles who are non-violent, who have troubled histories, and who sincerely want to live better lives.

I understand I'm no place to say such things to you, and I can only imagine the time you're going through, but you should consider talking to @airwolffan, whose positive reformatory experience after being arrested for CP was very eye-opening for me. It's so relieving to learn that not everyone out there sees us as irrevocable monsters.

You should also know that if you were to die under some bridge in London, I would actually be a bit jealous. I have never been, and I hear it's a beautiful city.

cumulusjames wrote:I wouldn't mind except I was such an adolescent as I viewed doing the things they were at those ages so I know full well what was depicted was a million miles away from what the victimologists would have you believe. Such things were all that made growing up gay in the 90's bearable. Since I was a boy I was never ever permitted by society (or the law) to just be who I was.

Miserable end to a miserable life.

I am and always have been the outsider.

Sorry, bro. Sounds like a sad life.

But from reading some of your posts, it seems like you've had some pretty awesome experiences. Getting to live in Britain, for one thing, is the envy of many. And it seems you were also quite attractive when you were younger.

There might not be anything to look forward to. As it is, I do contemplate suicide in my own situation. But then again, there might still be things worth living for. Maybe the worst-case scenario we each keep replaying in our heads won't match up with reality. I hope it doesn't...

ANonEMoose wrote:I know what you mean Starfire. I was also really hesitant to join and post anything here. I'm not that savvy with internet security and anonymity... I'm using TOR but I'm afraid it won't be enough. I wasn't aware of the users you posted about... That's really scary. Maybe I should just give up after all. Or maybe my door is gonna get knocked down tomorrow.

I don't think you should give up. I think we pedophiles alone understand precisely the nature of the misery and torment that impels us to commit these actions in the first place...because what content, unaffected person would cut potentially themselves off from future happiness and willingly become a pariah? Although life is miserable now, there is still the chance that something worthwhile may come up.

ANonEMoose wrote:It's really sad how society makes it so we have to live in constant fear. We can't reach out for support because it's such a hot issue -- everyone just assumes we're guilty of the worst once they learn of our pedophilia. Hatred and revulsion indeed.

I live in constant fear these days too. I'm not the person that I once was. I look out my window many times a day, expecting to see police cars outside my home, ready to break down my door. I don't laugh or smile anymore in the wholehearted way I used to. I fear that it's just a matter of time...whether it's tomorrow or decades down the line, my actions can't be erased, I fear that they already know and it seems that surveillance measures can only get worse from here.

Then again, there is the possibility that, for some reason, we are being given a chance to rectify ourselves and live within the law. I don't know why I'm still sitting here with a clean record, but I am. Thus I feel that if it hasn't happened yet, that this possibility is worth not giving up for, since I do still have much to be thankful for, and a future if I want it. And I don't want to spoil it all for myself by reverting to my habits.

ANonEMoose wrote:I couldn't even tell my therapist in fear that he'd report me.

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Yes, the only person I ever told, aside from posting on here, was a hotline counselor. She suggested I could get help, and in my head I just laughed. People don't either don't realize or care how counterproductive their intolerance is. It encourages us to remain in the shadows...

HowardCL wrote:Welcome to the forum and you are safe on here. I don't believe the person that said they posted on here and a day later he was busted. I think that is just a cheap way of trying to scare people off that are pedophiles that come here to confide in who and what they are. I am exclusively attracted to children and coming here is a healthy outlet to get out the feeling I have about being a pedophile.

Thanks, and that is ludicrous! As I said previously in this thread, those tactics are pretty low. Not that I have anything against them per se, but I would be frightened to be one of the people posting blatantly pro-contact views here. And if they haven't been busted by posting that stuff, I guess I have nothing to worry about.

Heh, guess I should have figured what with the generic SN...

Interesting. So what is the feeling you have about being an exclusive pedophile? One interesting thing for me about being pedo is that I'm emptied of nearly all self-righteousness...

Don't you worry that your record actually isn't clean -- but that LEO is just waiting to get more dirt on you before they swoop in? That's my main paranoia these days... They probably already know everything about me, and they're just collating data, "building their case" until they can bury me. They probably watch every post I make, every site I visit, everything I do. Even though I use TOR for sensitive stuff like this, they probably already cracked it.

Then again I may just be too paranoid. I lived in fear for years that the new neighbors across the street were undercover FBI or something, waiting to sting me. Now I'm wondering if another neighbor's RV might really be a command center in disguise. I'm not joking either -- I literally worry about these things! See what my interest in little girls has done to my life?!

I've spent time living in fear. It really sucks.

I don't take any special precautions when posting openly as a pedophile. I don't tell people my name, address, and other identifying information, but I'm not going to any lengths that a dedicated, technically savy person would be foiled by.

The thing is, the people who hate us are all idiots. People have attempted to doxx me multiple times, and they've always been dead wrong when showing off to "strike fear" in me. I'm occasionally pitying of their falsely identified victims, but given that these morons are all bluster anyway, it doesn't keep me up at night.

Really, if the police were capable of the kind of global survalence you're discussing, they would never have to resort to their entrapment stings. They wouldn't have to go into chat rooms pretending to be thirteen year old girls and they wouldn't need to put up front web sites advertizing child porn. The chat rooms are to collect identifying information and to arrange real world meetings where they can pick the person up. The front sites advertizing child porn are to collect credit card numbers to use in identifying people. Random users, they don't have the resources or technical expertise to do much of anything to if you follow the same basic safe surfing protocols you should be using anyway to protect your computer from viruses.

I understand the paranoia. The consequences for being wrong about how secure you are can be terrifying, but that's no way to live.