I told my sister I had sexual feelings for her *trigger*

Me and my sister were very close as children. we were the best of friends. We're two years apart, then at seventeen I was starting to have some ruff times and because of that and other reasons which I'm reluctant to share with you (I'm sorry) we never saw each other again. Ok, I'll tell you the reason, I had an emotional breakdown because of past bad experiences in my life Whatever the reason I came down with a mental illness. It's nothing severe but it took a long time to recover from it and I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself. Which I shouldn't of or otherwise I wouldn't of had such a ruff time. During this time I felt really lonely because I couldn't go to anyone other than my parents and because I was the older brother in this sibling relationship and I was always the protector, it felt akward to get any help from my sister. But I don't care. She was living a life of her own and that made me happy.

But then when I DID recover, we spent a lot of time together and she began to see what a wonderful person I had become But now we were adults. And we spent a lot of time together. She even said that she was my best friend again. We both felt really blessed that this had happened and that we had both "caughten" up. But sadly, I began to love her. And not in the way that a brother should. At first I just thought it was sexual and nothing more so as time went by I wasn't too worried about it and was worried to admit myself to it. But then one day, I was going to move away and I did. I was getting a new job in an entirely different area. We texted each other all the time on the phone as usual but then......something happened. I was missing her so much. This time I knew it was for real. I came back to live closer to her. Where I had been before but it wasn't to be close to her. I only just said this fact now, that I moved away to explain to you when I felt I really loved her. I did. I think. I'm pretty sure of it. I loved her and was so sexually aroused by her. Anyway I moved back because of other reasons.....

But coming back, and knowing about my revelations I just couldn't get it over with, with myself. I had stress before because of all this. I didn't know who else to turn to. I felt really guilty. And I felt I couldn't go to no one. I thought that she felt this too, so I turned to her. I wanted her to help me. I felt like I couldn't go on. "No escape" that kind of thing. The pressure was just too big and I felt I couldn't live my life as her brother if she didn't know the truth. I felt it was the most beautiful thing to do. Brave, honest, granted, but so wrong I'm betting your thinking. Anyway, I shouldn't of done it. All I can say is that I thought she felt it too and because of that, I was going to take a shot at, that, if she DID, maybe we could both work this out and find a way to make this stop between EACH of us. But still stay brother and sister. And still stay the best of friends. To let everything be the same. And not lose each other.

When I told her (in a text), she was appalled. She told me that she felt disgusted and disturbed and claimed she didn't feel the same way at all when I asked her about that part. She told me that we needed time and space apart. And I believe we do. For my sake. And I don't want to do anything to hurt her. But this is so painful for me..........I love her as a sister. As a sister too! I want to ask a few questions from someone who has some knowledge of this, someone who can help with a respectful manner or someone who has experienced this before.

1. Is this taboo more common than we think? Why does it happen? Does it happen when two siblings are really close and have been all their lives? I mean we did spend a lot of time apart but when we met again, it was like a dream come true

2. What can I do to not make myself feel so guilty? It goes beyond that. I mean I know I had difficulties but when I was free again, I also had my sister back. She was precious to me. I was to her but I don't think that anymore. I don't know what she feels because we are not talking.

3. She told me she had forgiven me because what I had felt wasn't intentional or malicious. But she claims that it will take longer to simply "forget" How can I make her forget? How can I forget? What can I do to speed this thing up for myself? And one last thing......

4. I told her that because I wanted to give her space that I would never text her again, unless she texts me first. But I don't know how to go on from there. I mean, admit to yourself, if you don't know why you felt those feelings, and how it came about, or if it is even NORMAL (all I want to know is if it can happen to people who are good people......I care if there's something wrong with it but all I want is my sister back) how can you explain to your sister if she decides to try to start a true sibling relationship again what is normal about it, what is not, I don't know how this happened to me, I want to know that it was normal for me to have felt those feelings. But in a way that I can explain it to my sister, when she's ready to hear it. But I'm a good person. And I care about my sister in a true sibling relationship very much. I'm not an expert on this subject. I just want to know that it can happen and if maybe I'm not such a bad guy after all.....
If I can know that, then I can get my life started, until she contacts me. Because she hasn't texted yet. And I don't know when she will. I have no idea it may be a long time. My life is on hold. I can't wait. I have to do something about myself and heal. Thanks for any help.
Please.

this sort of thing IS more common than you may think but sadly its not something that can be forgotten it may be forgiven but it can be damaging for both people but the main thing to remember is that you didnt do anything to hurt her and you cant help your feelings even if they arnt good you havnt acted on them which is a possotive thing

How much can it be forgotten? Do you think eventually she'll tell me that she can't forget or at least tell me something or leave me in the dark? I want to get my life started. She told me exactly that it'll take "longer" for her to forget and that according to her opinion as far as I know it she told me that "time heals all." She told me that twice when I asked I was freaking out asking her if things will ever be the same.

I don't think they will but I'm hoping. I really do love her as a sister. I may have had feelings before......will my feelings go away? Do you think one day she'll sense it and forget it herself? I'm just wondering if she'll ever bring it up...