Did a form of human hatred get you to this point?

I noticed that my preference for vanilla sex or kinky sex goes back and forth, and I finally realized why. Well, maybe- it's just a theory, but I thought I'd throw it out there.

I noticed it's at my angriest times that I delve deeper into the paraphilia life. I either get very hurt by someone, or I'm not getting any sex, or I just start hating everyone in general, and so when I watch normal porn with two consenting adults, I don't get turned on because when I see them, I'm either thinking about my hate toward them and I want to punch them, or I get jealous because they're having sex and I'm not. It's hard to get turned on by normal humans when I feel this animosity toward humans in general. And so I start watching/reading (usually reading) other kinds of porn- whether it's rape or a dog eating a girl out or, like I mentioned in my last post, me being a child molested by a man. Sometimes I even masturbate while thinking about how great my vibrator is, because I'm too sour to think about a human getting me off. I can get off to that much easier because I'm in a situation where I don't have to deal with any human to human emotion, and because I don't get jealous at the sex they're having. I don't know, maybe I just have anger issues, but this was just something I realized last night and so I thought I'd bring it up.

When I get angry and disillusioned with living people, I can certainly retreat into a more necrophilic mindset, so I can relate to some of what you say. I don't actually find that a problem. My paraphilia gives me the most stress at times when I'm getting on well with other living people. That's when I feel guiltiest about it.

I'll often turn more towards superstition or basic stupid behaviors such as indulging in forbidden/excessive porn. I'll become more conservative, although my spitefullness does tend to just breed more anger toward different groups of people and subjects. My views on sex shift between being all for personal freedom to being a prude. I'll find people who conduct themselves with reasonable haya more sexually attractive than slutty people that dress like hookers or drag queens and/or cruise for gay sex. Bubbly flamboyant people will make me feel sick. But, when I'm doing well, I'll see well to reserve my beliefs, to accept a more open attitude towards such things. Mostly in the spirit of promoting happiness and not being a petty bitch.

I generally oppose violence towards animals, until i'm not doing well and really don't care about any animal that's not loved by my family. I know I'm bottling a lot of resentment towards various groups of people but I'm unsure if it's just something that's not worth the energy or if it's something that's being injected into my life by a foreign entity such as the devil.

I acknowledge that I'm a very chaotic person on the inside and I never really have straight paths of doing things or behaving.

Siamese Fever wrote:Bubbly flamboyant people will make me feel sick.

I totally understand this.

I've always had a problem with rejection in general, so feeling sexually rejected hurts me a lot. Even if it's all in my head that I'm being sexually rejected by someone, I tend to assume the worst and still get upset. It's something I know I need to work on. When I feel this rejection, that's when the animosity toward humans gets bad and the porn gets worse.

im happy right now in life and i still bounce back and fourth with what im attracted to, for me at least
i just think it's just i get bored with one thing and move on to something else i do this alot with being attracted to different nationality so for me at least i dont think it has to do with disliking people

also props to P0ppy for the cannibal perk XD cant wait for fallout 4 XD

Quite possibly.

My pedophilia would quite easily be secondary to my teleiophilia if not for the innate sense of sin and perversion I get from leching on kids, especially since I ideally like kids with adultish features both in terms of looks and personality.

After life long abuse from my father, the first girl ever to show me kindness is currently 11 years old. Its difficult, she is developing and getting curious. I have not and will not hurt her, I hope some day, when the age gap is more acceptable we can be together.

siphon wrote:also props to P0ppy for the cannibal perk XD cant wait for fallout 4 XD

Already pre-ordered it!

AmIEvil wrote:After life long abuse from my father, the first girl ever to show me kindness is currently 11 years old. Its difficult, she is developing and getting curious. I have not and will not hurt her, I hope some day, when the age gap is more acceptable we can be together.

Out of curiosity, may I ask what age range you are in?

For me it's definitely simply love of kids, not hatred of anybody, that got me to this point. I feel girl children are the most beautiful and adorable beings on Earth. Most of my attraction to them is platonic. My pedophilia, for me personally, is simply a sort of orientation toward kids. It makes me feel protective and fatherly toward them. My sexual attraction to kids is sort of an excess that leaks out of the greater part of my affection for children. I helped a little girl at a store today and doing that made me so happy, as helping kids always does. I didn't feel hatred but bliss. Some fetishes and paraphilias might derive their fuel from personal anguish but as I mentioned earlier, I'm sceptical my personal pedophilia is a fetish, paraphilia or even a disorder. The sexual attraction is there but easily put aside for later release. There is no obsessive compulsion anywhere, mostly just tenderness.