Effect of Consenting Childhood Sex with Pedophile

I'm convinced the effects are dependent on the circumstances and situation. With under 12's it must be tru that this is harmful most of the time whatever the circumstances. Beyond that matters are not so clear to me. Why did I have a bad life of mental health problems, substance abuse, socio-economic disadvantage and so on whilst other boys of that age engaged in sex with men did not? Did I enjoy much of the sex? Absolutely, but I still seem to have suffered as a result of it. But perhaps it was not the sex but the situation - what if it would have involved loving mentoring relationships instead of just coercive sex?

Reading some of the pro-contact stuff posted here makes my stomach turn enough to realize that Im probably not a pedophile, or maybe just someone who feels a moral obligation.

I wonder if someone can become fixated on an issue precisely because they're afraid of becoming like that? I feel like I was attracted only to mid-late teens when I was younger, as well as older women. As I've gotten older, I've started to glance at younger girls and I'm not sure what it means. Is it because the shape is reminiscent of the things I enjoyed about teen-20ish girls, with the narrow body? Interestingly I've always been attracted to thinner girls, like thigh gap level.

I can't presume to speak to say that in the proper conditions it'd be okay, however I did read some notes on a book written by a woman that claims such kinds of contact can be positive for people who experience it, however she still claims that it is the abuse of power and knowledge on the part of the older person which makes it wrong.

It terrifies me to see myself in the same position as Jimmy, like my brother. I've been described as creepy by people who didn't know me as well, and while there have been instances of being able to find someone who would willingly have sex with me, it's been few and far between.

The thing is, I think sex contact is more than about just sexual pleasure. Some people want to see it as violence and getting off at manipulating others, but I wonder if its really about the human contact. If it was just about blowing your load, you could masturbate constantly. I think its that rejection/acceptance paradigm. Just as the OP acted in specific ways to find emotional acceptance, the rapist did as well. I'm not excusing #######5 pain causing behavior, though. But how many sexual explorations as a teen are based on exactly this type of attention seeking? The idea that someone under 18 might want to have sex with me is both titillating and terrifying, because how could I know they were doing it because they really wanted to, or out of a deep seated need for acceptance? I'd think a healthy limit to this kind of thing is one where someone in their teens is already seeking out sexual exploration with their peers. In such an instance, what difference would it make if its a peer or someone slightly older? That still begs the question of when it might be born out of emotional needs not being met, which means you're taking advantage of it.

The question of consent is muddy and strange when those under an arbitrary limit are willfully doing it with each other (my first sexual stuff was at 12 with a 13 year old, and I even fantasized about sexual stuff with my 6th grade teacher), but their exploration can't happen with someone older, because, as has been said by psychologists, "it robs them [of their sexual exploration time with peers]". I'm not sure what that means, but it doesn't seem like a difference that matters. What should matter is whether someone is manipulating and abusing someone else for sex, money, or whatever else. That can happen to anyone at any age, by anyone at any age.

As someone who's gotten to their late 20's, I made a half-joking implication of how hot some of the 20-22 ish girls were at this family party (not related to him!) that a friend of mine had, and he said "no dude, no". Apparently his brother, older than both of us, was seen to have a slight interest in one of them so he said that my saying it was similar to his brother, which was apparently gross or lame or something a "loser creep" would do. Ironically, they laughed at the jokes more when it was a few years ago and we were all younger.

Society has grown to consider someone in my position to be gross or creepy if they find someone 20 or older, but 8 or more years younger, sexually attractive. That makes me feel really $#%^, because then what difference if they're 10 or 20, and the reaction by people is the same?

Lifelonglessons wrote:I did read some notes on a book written by a woman that claims such kinds of contact can be positive for people who experience it, however she still claims that it is the abuse of power and knowledge on the part of the older person which makes it wrong.

That old platitude. One way to address this issue is to ensure sexual activity never occurs between people with a significant difference in terms of knowledge and emotional maturity. Another is to empower children by providing them with the knowledge we deliberately withhold from them in order to preserve a self-serving notion of pristine, prelapsarian innocence. Given how readily children can access imagery of a sexual nature these days, I would tend towards the latter solution.

Lifelonglessons wrote:The thing is, I think sex contact is more than about just sexual pleasure. Some people want to see it as violence and getting off at manipulating others, but I wonder if its really about the human contact. […] Just as the OP acted in specific ways to find emotional acceptance, the rapist did as well.

I still think he acted selfishly, but ^this is probably a healthy way for the OP to view what happened, or at least the most conducive to healing. We can spend our lives angry at people, measuring them against some standard of behaviour they clearly failed to live up to, and that anger will eat away at us; or we can let go and see people as flawed and vulnerable. I can already envisage the straw man response to this: ‘so you’re saying we should let rapists off?!’ No, that’s not what I’m saying. You can let go of anger whilst ensuring someone is punished for their actions. It’s about choosing not to be controlled by negativity.

Lifelonglessons wrote:That still begs the question of when it might be born out of emotional needs not being met, which means you're taking advantage of it.

If you let this thought control you you’ll never have sex with anyone. It’s always the case that someone might be coming on to you because of some perceived lack. Empathy and common sense are what’s needed in this regard, not one-size-fits-all rules.

Lifelonglessons wrote:but their exploration can't happen with someone older, because, as has been said by psychologists, "it robs them [of their sexual exploration time with peers]". I'm not sure what that means, but it doesn't seem like a difference that matters. What should matter is whether someone is manipulating and abusing someone else for sex, money, or whatever else. That can happen to anyone at any age, by anyone at any age.

I’d suggest that the psychologists don’t properly know what that means either. They’re just repeating a culturally relativistic mantra. I agree wholeheartedly with the notion that what matters is whether any kind of relationship, with sexual content or otherwise, is pure and positive or based on greed, coercion, selfishness, manipulation, etc.

Lifelonglessons wrote:As someone who's gotten to their late 20's, I made a half-joking implication of how hot some of the 20-22 ish girls were at this family party (not related to him!) that a friend of mine had, and he said "no dude, no". Apparently his brother, older than both of us, was seen to have a slight interest in one of them so he said that my saying it was similar to his brother, which was apparently gross or lame or something a "loser creep" would do. Ironically, they laughed at the jokes more when it was a few years ago and we were all younger.

The percentage of heterosexual males not attracted to women aged 20-22 is probably very low.

Lifelonglessons wrote:Society has grown to consider someone in my position to be gross or creepy if they find someone 20 or older, but 8 or more years younger, sexually attractive. That makes me feel really $#%^, because then what difference if they're 10 or 20, and the reaction by people is the same?

There is nothing wrong with attraction to anyone or anything. Human sexually is diverse. People should be judged on their actions alone.

A very interesting and insightful read. I'm happy to read that you have found happiness with life in general, marriage and sex life.

May I ask - How much do you think communicating with Jimmy helped you? And is there anything you regret not asking or saying to him?

I'd be repeating what others have said already if I wrote much more.

Thanks for sharing, raised a lot of questions and thoughts within myself and others thoughts and actions.

I personally see Jimmy as a pedophile.

I think you have had an incredible journey and you are a very brave woman. You should write a book about your life, it will be cathartic and a best seller !

Lifelonglessons wrote:I wonder if someone can become fixated on an issue precisely because they're afraid of becoming like that? I feel like I was attracted only to mid-late teens when I was younger, as well as older women. As I've gotten older, I've started to glance at younger girls and I'm not sure what it means. Is it because the shape is reminiscent of the things I enjoyed about teen-20ish girls, with the narrow body? Interestingly I've always been attracted to thinner girls, like thigh gap level.

Google POCD and Anxiety Disorders and see if any of that information fits.