I'm Autogynephillic......I think? *Possible Trigger*

Hello, I am a new member. My life has been quite the journey.......First a little background on me.

I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 12 years old (25 y/o now). It was so severe as a child that I was unable to essentially function normally. Thankfully, I had very supportive parents and a great system of doctors around me. Unfortunately due to this, my social life was ruined as a child. I suffered from extreme loneliness and didn't have many friends. Since many people saw my OCD evolve through school, I was seen as a "weirdo" and didn't have much interaction with the ladies. I feel like this stunted my social growth significantly. So there's the background on me. Now to the relevant part.

Before I was diagnosed with OCD, I always had a sexual fantasy about becoming a woman. The earliest I remember is being around 10 years old and seeing a commercial about TV joking about cross dressing. Something clicked in my brain, and it seemed to start after that. I cross dressed all through elementary/middle/high school secretly. It excited me and sexually aroused me. I enjoyed it quite a bit (through masturbation, lets abbreviate it MB). I went through school with the same people (the ones who saw my severe OCD phase). As a result, I never had a girlfriend or anything remotely close. All though high school I would fantasize/MB about being a female in high school and especially in specific social situations, such as being a cheerleader. I think this was the way I satisfied my sexual desires? I attempted multiple times dressing completely like a female, but after I was done with the MB, the desire went completely away until something triggered it again.

College was a lot of the same with regards to the cross dressing and the fantasizing. The cross dressing severely tapered off around the age of 20, but the fantasies still remained. This time it was about becoming a "sorority girl" and having intercourse with a man) It got to the point where I was convinced I was transgendered, and almost began self medication with hormones. After talking to a few GID counselors and through some self study, I realized that this was not the case. Looking back at it, I am extremely glad that I did not go that route, because I believe things would have gotten worse.

Fast forward to now. I still have these "urges" and continue to pleasure myself to these fantasies. I still have never had a girlfriend or been in any type of relationship, which really hurts me. I have had intercourse with a woman when I was in college (One night stand) and enjoyed it immensely. The problem I am running into now is that ANYONE can trigger this urge. I may see an article of clothing that I find arousing, but it may be on someone older or younger (i.e. not "of age"). I get extremely anxious and if it gets bad enough, It can trigger a mental breakdown. It didn't bother me when I was in high school because I wasn't "of age" yet, so I could essentially fantasize about the clothing someone was wearing from anyone I saw. Now I feel like a pedophile if that triggers happens with someone younger (POCD?). So I guess I have some questions:

1) Is it likely that I suffer from autogynephilia?
2) Am I a terrible person for wanting to pleasure myself later to my fantasies from these triggers?
3) Is it wrong/immoral to pleasure myself later due to these "triggers"?
4) Is this my mind's way of fulfilling my sexual needs due to my inability to get into a relationship?

I feel like once I am away from the trigger, there's nothing wrong with using my imagination, but I honestly have no clue, which is why I am here. For reference, I am not pleasuring myself to THAT specific trigger. It just gets my "motor running" if that makes sense. Any suggestions/opinions would be great. I'm beginning to lose hope in myself . I know I am a good person, but this gets in the way. If it was a perfect world, I wouldn't have to deal with that. Unfortunately, it is not Thanks.

1) I don't know anything about it so I couldn't say for sure but it does sound like it may be the case
2) You are absolutely not a terrible person for wanting to do that.
3) It isn't wrong or immoral either
4) I'm not sure that it is your minds way of fulfilling your sexual needs as you said that it started early on before any craving for or extended absence of a relationship could really occur. I think the masturbation is a way to satisfy desires and your other thoughts and fantasies just happen to be a part of you for now.

Having thoughts doesn't make you a bad person or a monster. Our actions are what determine if we are good or bad. You haven't hurt anybody and have had the courage to discuss your issues with someone who can help. I would suggest asking a professional if they think you have autogynephilia and seeing if they can help you.

Hi ThatOCDGuy! Like the other poster said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with those fantasies, and like you said, you were/are mostly just trying to decide whether this is just a part of your sexuality, or something more integral to your gender identity. All I have to say is, people are complicated, and some are way more sexually complex, by which I mean they may be drawing sexual feeling from more than one fantasy at a time, or from a combination of physical, mental, and emotional factors, instead of just "stimulus = turned on" like some people are.

So if you're asking yourself, "Does my autogynephilia just come from an attraction to other women, or an attraction to being a woman in a scenario with other women but not 24/7, or just enjoying cross-dressing, or is my gender identity female?" then, I think this question might not be answerable, since sometimes we don't know what the real crux or origin of us being turned on is, so it could just be one of these, or it could be any combination of them. Any of it would be totally fine! Also a good note, if part of you feels/is female, you can totally own that in any way you choose. As you already know and have discovered, you don't have to change anything in order to be female or identify as partially female — "female" is just a state of self and consciousness because while biological sex is concrete (and even then, of course, there are intersex people who don't fall under male or female), the ideas "male" or "female" having to mean anything specific about the person, their dress, personality, etc., is just socially constructed. (I'm sure you knew this already too, just wanted to mention it. )

Plus I think some people have a different relationship to MB than others. For me, for example, a lot of times it has nothing to do with sexual feeling but just the need to blow off steam or relax myself. I'm not saying this is the case for you or it matters either way, but I think OCD could be negatively impacting how you feel about your desires and outlet for them, and making you fixate on compulsively beating yourself up about it (uh...pun not intended...) or seeing yourself a certain way because of it. For me, I think part of me LIKED thinking of myself as "that monster who MBs to everything" and so I would compulsively do it and become fixated on that image of myself and it would become a vicious and very destructive cycle. Of course, I'm not trying to imply that any of that is related to you, just that none of your fantasies are a problem, but because of your OCD you might be developing an unhealthy compulsive self-relationship by trying to "test" yourself and hate yourself if the results of the test or what you want. I think it would be beneficial if every time you had these desires, you told yourself, "You know what, this is totally okay." And just do an inward shrug to yourself. Or an actual shrug. xD Because it's so easy to get caught up in your own head.

There are lots of women interested in sex involving gender play, but they may not be open about it. I would totally encourage you to form friendships and relationships with women, see where it goes. And like you said, you enjoyed vanilla sex when it happened, too. So you're free to ask for whatever you decide you want, and if she isn't interested, it's her loss, and there's someone else who will be. ^.^

-- Sat May 30, 2015 3:38 pm --

Hi ThatOCDGuy! Like the other poster said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with those fantasies, and like you said, you were/are mostly just trying to decide whether this was just a part of your sexuality, or something more integral to your gender identity. All I have to say is, people are complicated, and some are way more sexually complex, by which I mean they may be drawing sexual feeling from more than one fantasy at a time, or from a combination of physical, mental, and emotional factors, instead of just "stimulus = turned on" like some people are.

So if you're asking yourself, "Does my autogynephilia just come from an attraction to other women, or an attraction to being a woman in a scenario with other women but not 24/7, or just enjoying cross-dressing, or is my gender identity female?" then, I think this question might not be answerable, since sometimes we don't know what the real crux or origin of us being turned on is, so it could just be one of these, or it could be any combination of them. Any of it would be totally fine! Also a good note, if part of you feels/is female, you can totally own that in any way you choose. As you already know and have discovered, you don't have to change anything in order to be female or identify as partially female — "female" is just a state of self and consciousness because while biological sex is concrete (and even then, of course, there are intersex people who don't fall under male or female), the ideas "male" or "female" having to mean anything specific about the person, their dress, personality, etc., is just socially constructed. (I'm sure you knew this already too, just wanted to mention it. )

Plus I think some people have a different relationship to MB than others. For me, for example, a lot of times it has nothing to do with sexual feeling but just the need to blow off steam or relax myself. I'm not saying this is the case for you or it matters either way, but I think OCD could be negatively impacting how you feel about your desires and outlet for them, and making you fixate on compulsively beating yourself up about it (uh...pun not intended...) or seeing yourself a certain way because of it. For me, I think part of me LIKED thinking of myself as "that monster who MBs to everything" and so I would compulsively do it and become fixated on that image of myself and it would become a vicious and very destructive cycle. Of course, I'm not trying to imply that any of that is related to you, just that none of your fantasies are a problem, but because of your OCD you might be developing an unhealthy compulsive self-relationship by trying to "test" yourself and hate yourself if the results of the test or what you want. I think it would be beneficial if every time you had these desires, you told yourself, "You know what, this is totally okay." And just do an inward shrug to yourself. Or an actual shrug. xD Because it's so easy to get caught up in your own head.

There are lots of women interested in sex involving gender play, but they may not be open about it. I would totally encourage you to form friendships and relationships with women, see where it goes. And like you said, you enjoyed vanilla sex when it happened, too. So you're free to ask for whatever you decide you want, and if she isn't interested, it's her loss, and there's someone else who will be. ^.^

Can you describe your emotions/feelings related to the crossdressing? Because there's a person online who has been evolving the study of autogynephilia toward the suggestion that there's an aspect of self humiliation which is often the source of pleasure for a man dressing in women's clothes. Typically there's a cultural stigma against men dressing as women and this social pressure can create an intense arousal from violating that taboo. It is not that dressing as woman is in itself "humiliating" but the societal taboo that men don't dress that way creates the pleasure in humiliation.

Women and femininity are very sexualized by society. And sadly, women are oppressed. And gender non-conformity is oppressed, too. So I guess, well I guess it makes sense.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be feminine. Or being sexually aroused. Being a woman or being feminine is totally harmless. I don't know if you have "autogynephilia", that word is often used in a transphobic way. But never be afraid of your own femininity. And there's no reason to feel bad about being sexually attracted to the idea of being a woman.