When it comes down to it, are you at peace?

Being sexually and emotionally attracted to boys or girls is very difficult in today’s cultural climate. Even whilst being committed, as we all are, to a moral standard that precludes any and all behaviour that may hurt another human being, we nonetheless feel either passively or aggressively rejected from society with little exception. Much of the dialogue between us revolves around the pejorative societal judgment and the ensuing existential loneliness. In this thread I want to explore some of these feelings too, but my primary interest here is to turn our focus to some of the internal turmoil of paedophiles as it is unrelated to external factors. I think it’s imperative that we don’t loose ourselves in the campaign for societal approval. There is a tendency to fixate on the indignities we incur at the hand of society and I agree that this is a very important part of our responsibility to each other, especially those who are still discovering their attractions and are consumed with confusion and self hatred. Indeed, to achieve a universal paradigm shift we must challenge prejudice, however, I do worry when such self defence becomes the reference point from which we then heal and emerge with an artificially aggrandized self concept.

Personally, I went through various stages of self acceptance since I first began to realise that I was attracted to prepubescent boys when I was about 18 years old. My initial fear was that I must be a latent psychopath and I just wanted to die. Later, I came to terms with being a psychopath, but I still tried to deny myself in various ways. Eventually, with the help of the sort of dialogue that goes on here, I realised that I may not actually be a psychopath after all and that I was internalising signals from my society that were entirely baseless. It was, without a doubt, the point at which I dismissed society from my internal world that I was then able to embrace myself as a normal human.

Along the way I suffered greatly from the isolation. I have become deeply withdrawn from my family and friends as though we live in a different world, I have completely lost sight of the beauty of life along with optimism of my personal hopes and dreams and in all my justification for self pity I have become a good friend of depression. Now, at 21, I feel ready to embark on the second leg this journey. I want to heal. I want to establish within myself a deep sense of security and true acceptance that might enable me to reclaim the intimacy in my relationships and to restore the sense presence in my social interactions. And, I really hope that by starting to unravel the visceral web of my emotions and dilemmas, I will ignite my spark of ambition and creativity once more.

It was around the same time that I first began noticing that I tend to think about boys with an unusual degree of affection and how much I seemed to enjoy interacting with them, that I also became conscious of how much I missed my own childhood. The two, it occurred to me, are inextricably linked; I don’t want to be in a relationship with a child as I am in my adult form; I want to be in the relationship as a boy, as a young and innocent beautiful boy.

Growing up, I didn’t experience any emotionally incapacitating trauma as such, but I can identify a particular theme of premature adult identification that interfered with the essential quality of my boyhood experience. It was something of my precocious propensity for abstract thought and sensitive nature that was celebrated and thereby reinforced by my environment, an environment that forever frowned on childish frivolity and unharnessed spirit, which led me to internalise the full extent of an adult identity, stunting my childhood spirit of carefree, self-centred existence. Before I was even a teenager, I had entered the world of responsibility and accountability, I held myself to a high standard of emotional maturity and self discipline and I assumed a status of respect and admiration in the eyes of those around me. I now realise that these were unnatural undertakings that served to suppress my instinctive mode of childish expression. Instead of a gradual process of transition into adulthood, mine was a sudden jolt of interruption and invasion that left me with a void, a sort of inner-boy complex: an enduring sense of repressed boyhood needs and emotions that seek catharsis and that fuel my current attraction to boys as I experience it.

My yearning for connection with boys and my longing to regress in years to experience my childhood once more is one and the same drive. Sexuality is a most powerful form of connection in which we can experience the essence of another. My inner boy, trapped in an adulthood existence, yearns for a congruence that it can only satisfy through the vicarious capacity, which I consider to be a central device of human sexuality and relationships. My sexual attraction to boys allows me to tap into the blissful essence of childhood and to once again know the core vulnerabilities of boyhood that have been suppressed by the pretence of my internal adulthood identification.

Herein lies the essential dilemma of paedophilia as I know it. It is not limited to a sexual impulse, which in itself cannot be met satisfactorily, but it defines me at my very core. It defines me as a suffocating little boy crushed in spirit and desperate for an impossible redemption from the superimposed confines of my adult mind and body, finding only a teasing sense of vicarious relief in sexual expression. Is a sense of inner congruence attainable, I wonder?

A further although not unrelated dilemma is the conflict that exists between the sexual yearnings that, when directed toward boys, can have a kind of pacifying effect, and the sweeping sense of dysphoria that engulfs me thereafter. Perhaps it is the anti-climax that comes with sexual climax that jerks me into consciousness, expelling this transient connection with boyhood and relacing it with the pathetic reality of my adulthood. If sexual expression is an escape then sexual climax is the recapture.

It is possible that in the context of a meaningful relationship with an actual boy I would feel deeply satisfied even without recourse into the sexual realm. My attraction to boys has a definite maternal instinct about it. I yearn for a son whom I can hug and cuddle, bathe and dress, soothe and calm. I want to provide the comforting shoulder to a sweet child who needs to love and to be loved. I want him to feel free of inhibitions and to be comfortable displaying his vulnerabilities. I want to breathe in the aroma of his freshly shampooed hair as he snuggles into my embrace at night, his eyes full of love and innocent delight at his mother's tender kisses and loving touch as I wrap him tightly and warmly, making him feel safe and precious as he is. This reflects on some my own emotional needs that I seek to fulfill vicariously by providing such ministration. Is my sexual impulse toward boys simply a product of emotional frustration that could theoretically be satisfied by a platonic albeit intimate relationship with a boy? And, does sexual release (not that I can help it) further invigorate this emotional complex in an endless cycle?

One other dilemma that I want to mention is the difficulty finding true conviction in terms of morals when one is distracted by the presence of the law of the land. For various reasons, I have no regard for the innate authentic value of any democratic legal codes yet I feel compelled by them to the extent that I am threatened by its wrath. I therefore find it impossible to explore my personal morals when the relevance of my findings might be entirely abstract and theoretical. There is also a fear that upon deep reflection I might find my personal moral compass to be at variance with the staunch convictions of secular law, in which case I’d be forever bitter and resentful of the arbitrary assertions that govern my life.

These are just some of the dilemmas that trouble me and some of the less obvious problems that need to be addressed for paedophiles who are trying to find internal peace and live a wholesome lifestyle that is not based on self-defence. For those who are interested, I would like to start a mature discussion about some of these more subtle issues. It would be helpful to me and, I’m sure, to others, to bring such matters to light, everyone in their own style and each with their own variations. Perhaps others will have insight that we are incapable of from our biased perspective. Perhaps some clarity will ensue. I hope everyone will join in freely and respectfully.

Hi KeepClimbing and thank you for that wonderful post.

Some ways I feel the same way as you. I was sexually assaulted when I was 17 or 18 by a girl and it really hurt me. Though for the most part I am pass it now. I will always love young boys 11 to 14 and nothing will ever change that but I will never abuse anyone. I hope one day I can come with peace with myself. I still hurt myself everyday because I am a pedophile or boylover.

I met one of my 12 year old friends before in real life when I was around 23 or 24. Of course he asked his mom and dad first. I even talked to his dad before hand. They were ok with it. We basically gamed a lot on the pc together. I have plenty of young friends. Ranging from 11 to 15. Yes some are out of my AOA now which sucks. My 12 year old friend is now 17 years old but I still talk to him. I always told him he would be something great one day. A leader or something. Time will tell. He just finished school. I am glad to know him. He is awesome. It just sucks that all boys grow up. That is one of the most horrible curses about being a pedophile or a boylover. All boys grow up Though I do enjoy watching them grow up and seeing what men they become.

Anyway some days I feel like killing myself because of being a pedophile or boylover. I know there are people on here who hate me and want me dead. I feel hopeless. Never touched a child before and never will.

(bad grammar warning)
Hi KeepClimbing

Again, in many ways I feel the same way as you too. I'm quite close to young girls, especially to my sister's classmates (all around 9-11 yo). Not only I like to play with them, but also talk stuff... to make them sure they can trust me and talk anything they can (they usually ask me stuff like "what do boys like to do?" or such). It scares their moms sometimes, but anyways feels awesome nevertheless. What I feel isn't a pure sexual attraction, but rather an emotivea attraction as well.

For those who are interested, I would like to start a mature discussion about some of these more subtle issues. It would be helpful to me and, I’m sure, to others, to bring such matters to light, everyone in their own style and each with their own variations.

Eh, I'm interested . I wanna do something different than spend all the time chatting about pure pervert sex fantasies, really (you'll be patient at my poor english though )

Yes, thanks to Aaron, I am very much at peace with my attractions to children. I know that there are people who are not afraid of me and can accept me for who I am; a lover of children.

Gemini_Incarnate wrote:Yes, thanks to Aaron, I am very much at peace with my attractions to children. I know that there are people who are not afraid of me and can accept me for who I am; a lover of children.

Who is Aaron ?

^ I am Aaron. Levi and I are beings that coexist within a realm known as a "system", within a single being with a condition similar to that of Dissociative Identity Disorder. Physically, we are the same person, but we have separate minds. If you're still confused, check this out: dissociative-identity/

Hey KeepClimbing,

Thanks for your interesting post. Some of the things you describe sound so similar to my own experiences. I'll try to address some of the dilemmas you mentioned, though my own solutions might not carry over to your situation.

KeepClimbing wrote:It was around the same time that I first began noticing that I tend to think about boys with an unusual degree of affection and how much I seemed to enjoy interacting with them, that I also became conscious of how much I missed my own childhood. The two, it occurred to me, are inextricably linked; I don’t want to be in a relationship with a child as I am in my adult form; I want to be in the relationship as a boy, as a young and innocent beautiful boy.

I know this feeling! At a very young age, I became painfully aware of the fact that I was growing older. I remember being nine or ten and wishing I could go back to being as lighthearted and nimble as the first- and second-graders who I saw running around the school gymnasium in the mornings before the school day started. As I grew older, I came to accept that I couldn't regress physically, though I've always allowed myself to express my inner child in social interactions. I still wish I could go back to being a boy. In fact, that's a big part of my spiritual beliefs. I believe in reincarnation, and my dream is that, after this life, I'll be reborn into a more heavenly world, where everyone will retain their childlike characteristics.

KeepClimbing wrote:Herein lies the essential dilemma of paedophilia as I know it. It is not limited to a sexual impulse, which in itself cannot be met satisfactorily, but it defines me at my very core. It defines me as a suffocating little boy crushed in spirit and desperate for an impossible redemption from the superimposed confines of my adult mind and body, finding only a teasing sense of vicarious relief in sexual expression. Is a sense of inner congruence attainable, I wonder?

I don't know if "inner congruence" is attainable. Do you feel completely separate from your childhood self? Sometimes, as a meditative practice, I have imagined conversations in which a child version of myself presents dilemmas that I'm facing to my "adult" self. Then my adult self comes up with solutions for the dilemmas and offers comfort to my child self. When I used that practice in relation to your question, the solution I came up with was that you should practice living in the moment as a child would. Some ways of doing this are:

-Listen to your body. What are your 5+ senses telling you at this very moment?
-Take pleasure in your sensory experiences. What does the grass smell like today?
-Pay attention to the direction of your energy. Is it telling you to dance? to hop on one foot?
-Trust and have faith that you will be taken care of.
-Accept that the world's problems aren't your own. Abdicate your sense of responsibility on occasion.
-Laugh out loud, shout, sing along to a favorite song.
-Cry. The world is too much sometimes. If my child self knew how rarely I see my parents and siblings, he would cry and cry for hours. (of course, I cried a lot as a kid. every day, basically.)

KeepClimbing wrote:A further although not unrelated dilemma is the conflict that exists between the sexual yearnings that, when directed toward boys, can have a kind of pacifying effect, and the sweeping sense of dysphoria that engulfs me thereafter.

What you're describing sounds like a sort of cognitive dissonance. You probably have a very deep belief that children are innocent and that their innocence should be protected. In opposition to that, you describe yourself as having sexual yearnings that are directed towards boys. So when these two impulses connect, there's this sense of collision and repulsion. To avoid the sense of dysphoria you describe, you might try distancing these two impulses in your mind. Is your desire to protect innocence actually in conflict with your fantasies? Do reality and imagination (both of which you perceive through your mind) actually intersect and affect one another?

Jacob123 wrote:Hey KeepClimbing,

Thanks for your interesting post. Some of the things you describe sound so similar to my own experiences. I'll try to address some of the dilemmas you mentioned, though my own solutions might not carry over to your situation.

I do appreciate the interest people have shown in my share and all feedback is welcome. Your response was of particular interest, it's precisely the sort of insightful input I was hoping to see. Thank you!

I know this feeling! At a very young age, I became painfully aware of the fact that I was growing older. I remember being nine or ten and wishing I could go back to being as lighthearted and nimble as the first- and second-graders who I saw running around the school gymnasium in the mornings before the school day started. As I grew older, I came to accept that I couldn't regress physically, though I've always allowed myself to express my inner child in social interactions. I still wish I could go back to being a boy. In fact, that's a big part of my spiritual beliefs. I believe in reincarnation, and my dream is that, after this life, I'll be reborn into a more heavenly world, where everyone will retain their childlike characteristics.

That's interesting. As I grow older (not that old, only 21), more injury prone and excessively burdened by pressures and responsibility, I feel the last vestiges of my former youth dwindling out of sight, much to my sorrow and grief. It is becoming forever clearer to me that paedophilia, at least for some of us, is less about the sexual attraction to children and more about an aversion to one's own state of adulthood that is experienced as an imposition to a deeper sense of being, sexuality being merely a channel through which this frustration is manifest. I've touched on the notion of vicariousness, which is a central device of my sexuality that allows me to connect with my suppressed boyish essence. Other times I've described this as a kind of mental incarnation in that I tend experience sexual fantasy from the vantage of a boy, as though I was a young boy exploring and experimenting with his sexuality. The dynamics of my fantasies a set very much within the emotional framework of my childhood and adjusted in accordance with the needs of my inner-boy.

I don't know if "inner congruence" is attainable. Do you feel completely separate from your childhood self? Sometimes, as a meditative practice, I have imagined conversations in which a child version of myself presents dilemmas that I'm facing to my "adult" self. Then my adult self comes up with solutions for the dilemmas and offers comfort to my child self. When I used that practice in relation to your question, the solution I came up with was that you should practice living in the moment as a child would.

Yes, there is a great disparity between my internal feelings of childhood and my adulthood mode of expression. What you suggest sounds like a reasonable therapeutic measure. However, the trouble for me is that I feel so deeply inveterate in my adulthood ways that I can't seem to penetrate the defenses that I've constructed over all these years. In addition, the responsibilities of life, work and studying insist that I rise to efficiency of adulthood, even though I wish I could instead be playing football with my mates for hours on end, carefree.

What you're describing sounds like a sort of cognitive dissonance. You probably have a very deep belief that children are innocent and that their innocence should be protected. In opposition to that, you describe yourself as having sexual yearnings that are directed towards boys. So when these two impulses connect, there's this sense of collision and repulsion. To avoid the sense of dysphoria you describe, you might try distancing these two impulses in your mind. Is your desire to protect innocence actually in conflict with your fantasies? Do reality and imagination (both of which you perceive through your mind) actually intersect and affect one another?

I've considered this, but no, I do not believe the two are inherently in conflict. Children can, and invariably do, explore sexual impulses without compromising their distinct quality of innocence, I think. My fantasies are emphatically in tune with this spirit of innocence and natural exploration, especially considering that no adults are involved in my fantasies. Psychologically speaking, I might suggest that I do not have a sexual attraction to children under the umbrella of my adult identity rather my attraction is processed by my inner-boy: boys evoke the subdued boy within me who finds respite from the affliction of adulthood in connecting with other boys in some capacity. Sexual fantasies connect me with boys in this way and release my inner boy from its confines by means of the mental incarnation I described. There are two ideas I've considered as an explanation of this dysphoria. One is that which I alluded to originally, that this connection with childhood and self-liberation dies with sexual climax, when I lose grip of boyhood (no pun intended) and regain consciousness of my adulthood. This puts me back into the throes of angst over my lost childhood spirit. It was in line with this understanding that I entertained that a real-life deep relationship, even a platonic one, with a boy might theoretically quench my desire to connect with childhood without the teasing sense of transience of a mere fanciful sexual connection.

A second dimension to explore here is more reminiscent of a cognitive dissonance. It is possible that my sexual attraction is not just serving a general interest of connecting with childhood in some way. Rather, there is definite need to revisit specifically the sexual realm from the eyes of of an innocent child, to experience the sexual innocence that I lost by exposure to pornography in the context of a prudish perception of sexuality, as a child growing up in a religious puritanical community. My sexual fantasies about boys, therefore, are an effort to rewrite the script of my early sexuality. My sexual experience as a child was tainted by powerful feelings of fear, guilt and shame. In contrast, the aura that surrounds my current child-oriented fantasies is one of innocence and uninhibited indulgence. But again, this innocence is short lived. For upon sexual climax I'm revisited by the guilt infested feelings that have plagued my sexuality ever since childhood, giving rise to the feeling of dysphoria. Upon inspection, this is essentially the very same phenomenon I described initially except this time with a focus on the sexual turmoil, not just the general conflict between childhood and adulthood identities; the loss of sexual innocence that I bemoan is consistent with the encumbrance of adulthood that I so detest. The only ramification that may differ in these two formulations is that of the latter sentence of the previous paragraph.

In sum, yes, there is a cognitive dissonance, but the conflict exists not between my protective instinct over childhood and my fantasies; it is a clash between the relief and liberation experienced through fantasy and the cruel contrast of my reality.

Thank you, Jacob, and everyone else who joined in. This sort of dialogue is very therapeutic for me and it helps me achieve more clarity, which in turn yields self-acceptance.