I might be a pedophile. Would anyone miss me?

I've worried since I was 11 years old that I was a pedophile. All the other kids were starting to change, and I wasn't attracted to... what they were going through. I wasn't attracted to what they were. I felt like a monster and that something was wrong with me.

I jumped off of the roof of my house, trying to kill or hurt myself. I tried to punish myself and make myself change every day. But no amount of punishment seemed to stop me.

I had cuts all over my body and did all sorts of things to hurt myself. I still have a scar on my left arm I'm embarrassed about from it.

Luckily, I've moved past all the self harm. I haven't done it since I was a teenager.
And lots of people say that self-harm and suicide is selfish. I don't understand why. I feel like telling someone they're selfish won't make them better. I can't stand that people insult suicidal people.

But for people like me, people often say that we should die. I start to feel just the opposite. That it's selfish for me to live. That people think it's selfish for me to live.

But I want to live. There are are so many things I enjoy that make me happy. I don't want to die. I'm scared of dying. I don't ever want to die. I want to enjoy things that make me happy forever. I don't want to stop being able to do things that make me happy.

But I feel selfish. I feel like I wasn't supposed to have been born. I feel like a monster. I feel like I'm selfish to keep living like I do. I feel like the nicest thing I could do for the world around me, would be to stop living in this world. I feel like that's how others feel about me, and how I should feel about myself. But I'm just too selfish to help others by stopping to exist. That I'm too selfish and enjoy existing too much. When the responsible and kind thing to do with be to not burden others with my existence.

Am selfish? Should I be dead? Do I deserve to exist?

Hi

I am going to move this to Paraphilias as whilst it contains subject matter for both forums I think it will be more helpful to have it there as there will be people there who understand. I will leave a shadow topic in place tho

I don't think you deserve to be dead at all. Having thoughts is not worthy of a death sentence. Plus you are so much more than your sexuality - tho whatever sexuality you are you don't deserve to die. I hope you can get some more reassurance in Paras

Cracked

Considering you have no intention to hurt anybody your survival is more justified than the bigot that can't think critically and are willing to drive a potentially innocent person to death.

You're a much better person than they are in this respect.

No can help their sexual desire and being one more person that appreciates how you shouldn't judge a person on their desires (like you) makes you definitely deserving of life.

You're being incredibly hard on yourself. So, I'll ask you again. You didn't answer last time.

I'm attracted to young children. Do you think I'm a monster who needs to die?

I don't blame you for moving the topic. And now that I think about it, that may have been a bad and inconsiderate thing to do. Many people who engage in self harm are sexual abuse survivors. And seeing the word pedophile like that, might have been triggering.

I hope I didn't cause any traumatic triggers for anyone.

Sounds like you are someone who gives yourself a hard time over a lot. Please try to show yourself kindness and compassion. I would not think that you would trigger ppl in SI, just Paras was probably abetter spot. I hope you are able to feel more at peace with yourself soon

Cracked

A lot of people have fantasies about things that are illegal, kind of a forbidden fruit sort of thing. As long as they are fantasies and not acted on you have no reason to feel bad or guilty about it.

What makes you think you're a pedophile? And no, don't kill yourself.

Gerste wrote:What makes you think you're a pedophile? And no, don't kill yourself.

Thank you.

And what makes me think I'm a pedophile.. ? Um.. let's see..

I'm not attracted to secondary sex characteristics or fertility or the effects of puberty.
Like.. breasts, or wide hips, or broad shoulders. I couldn't find those types of things attractive, even if I tried my hardest. I'm not attracted to lots of estrogen or testosterone. The hormone levels that most adult men and women have, the hormone levels that people start to have after they go through puberty, isn't sexy to me. And I don't find estrogenic fat attractive.

I'm attracted to flat chests, small shoulders, petite hips, as in, hips that aren't wide and don't seem post-pubescent, cute faces, like.. small, flat noses, big, round, flat faces. Hairless bodies.

Ever since I was going through puberty, my peers were starting to become attracted to things I wasn't. Every year, I thought and hoped I would grow out of it. But each year came, and I never did.

It seems like, while everyone else started being attracted to some kind of fertility, I wasn't. Signs of fertility has always made me feel less sexual attraction. The feeling of infertility is what is sexy, to me.
I am able to be attracted to adult men and women. So if I a pedophile, maybe that makes me a non-exclusive pedophile, I don't know. But it's hard to find people who I'm attracted to, because most men and women have secondary sex characteristics. And when I'm attracted to a man or woman, most people seem to call it pedophilia and say they're creepy and wrong for being adults who look like children.

All of my sexuality seems to be related to neoteny or cuteness or androgyny or things like that. If you can call not being attracted to secondary sex characteristics, being attracted to androgyny. In response to this, I've tried my hardest to focus on fictional characters and adults. I collect a lot of shotacon and lolicon. And androgynous and cute adults are beautiful to me.

It's hard to explain how I feel. But cute faces and flat chests and things like those, feel welcoming to me. Make me feel comfortable. And at the same time, feel sexy. And exciting. My body reacts sexually to things like that. While secondary sex characteristics feel unwelcoming and my body doesn't react sexually.

When I was around 11 or 12, and I first discovered my sexuality was like this. The other kids were attracted to puberty when I wasn't. And I first started looking at lolicon on webrings back then. I noticed it appealed to me and it was kind of like a sexual awakening. I was attracted to boys and girls my age and I really liked and was enamored with their body type. Girls were developing breasts and curves, and boys were getting bigger and hairier. It was kind of gross and unappealing to me.

And I was really enamored with loli pictures and loli characters, too. Their eyes seemed so welcoming, like I would get lost in them. And their body type seemed so sexy to me.

I knew something was wrong with me, though, for feeling that way. Even back then. I started hurting myself and even trying to commit suicide. I already felt like a pedophile, even as a child. Though I don't know what. I was overcome with guilt and shame. I felt dark and dirty. I felt like a monster and that I was born a monster, like a mistake.

I tried to punish and hurt myself every time I would be attracted to someone or something about their body that was inappropriate and not very pubescent. And I tried to force myself to be attracted to fertility and curves and puberty, and things like that. But I was never able to. And year after year, nothing changed.

After years.. I've given up on trying. Because nothing I've done has been able to change me. But I've always wondered if it made me a pedophile. When I tell people what people I'm attracted to, and what fictional characters I'm attracted to, and what body type I'm attracted to, people often call me a pedophile.

Can't help but notice your description of what you find attractive is a description of male characteristics. This is not the first time we have had someone on this forum who seems stuck in some sort of limbo between young boys and men. I guess I fell into that category, especially as I internalized the homophobia I was surrounded by. Could that be an issue?

It also could be the case, since you mention not developing along with your peers that for some reason you got a bit left behind, developmentally. Do you think you are emotionally immature?

We must now bring out the standard response on these matters. Therapy. Not that CBT crap, that's not for these issues. Psycodynamic therapy is what you need.

You don't have to let these issues dominate you and ruin your life, it is possible to move on from them. Neither will punishing yourself achieve anything. The only way forward is to deal with these issues head on.