Am I a pedophile?

I know this gets asked a lot. I found this forum partially because of looking on Google...

I see a lot of topics in this section, too. I, too, am worried and concerned, and interested in this question.

I know that children can't consent. And I'm full of empathy, I don't want to see anyone get hurt. I don't even like violent entertainment, so seeing people get hurt is painful. And I tend to stay away from most pornography, because it actually really hurts me to see women getting dominated. Even though I know it's just a kink, it horrifies me, any kind of sadism or violence horrifies me. Rape fetishes horrify me. I feel like Andrea Dworkin when it comes to things like these. I empathize with almost everyone, but when people want power over others, or to be violence, sexually or not, I can't empathize with it and I don't understand it.

Especially I don't understand how people want to do harm to people who never did anything to them. I empathize a little bit with people who feel... anger about people doing bad things to them. People want to right a wrong, and sometimes that leads to... bad feelings. So I can empathize with that.

But sadistic sexuality, well, it doesn't have anything to do with that. I don't understand why someone would want to dominate someone they love. But I try my hardest not to "kink shame" or judge, even if it horrifies me.


But despite feeling this way, and knowing and understanding. And being an empathetic and compassionate person. I still worry that I'm a pedophile. I've worried about this since I was a teenager, and I'm in my 20s now.

When I was a teenager, the other children were into adult men and women. Everyone was attracted to puberty and secondary sex characteristics. But me... I was always left out, and terrified. I already felt like a monster at age 11 or 12 or so when I first started going through puberty. Because I knew I wasn't like the other kids, and attracted to what they are.

The definition of pedophilia, um... biologically, sounds a lot like me. I would never want to hurt someone. And consent is very very very important. Rape is horrible horrible torture that I don't even like thinking about.

But...

I really don't know how to be attracted to the effects of puberty or secondary sex characteristics. For as long as I can remember, I haven't been attracted to secondary sex characteristics. I'm not attracted to breasts or curves or broad shoulders or body hair or other things that puberty does to the body. I'm not attracted to fertility.

I really am attracted to children, but I try not to think about it, because I know it's wrong. I try to direct my feelings to cute adults without breasts or things like that. Because I know they can consent. And anime characters that a lot of people like to call "2D". But the aesthetic is still there even though morally I care about consent and try to direct my directions towards consent as much as I can. I'm just not attracted to puberty or fertility or secondary sex characteristics. And I don't know how.

Is this pedophilia? Is there a word for what I'm feeling?

Hello!

First of all.. The most important thing here is that you sound like a very nice person. I bet you have a heart of gold. Always always always think of that if u ever feel like "a monster" as u put it yourself.

As far as the attraction itself... I mean many people aren't attracted to body hair, and some guys dont like curves or big boobs.. thats pretty normal.

I think it's more about just general "bone" structure and muscle change. Most people probably find either an adult or teenagers structure attractive.

Do you feel no attraction to Teens (15-21) at all? Not just body hair and curves, but generally a 15-21 person as a whole.

Thank you so much. That was very nice of you to call me a nice person. It made me feel very good. It can be hard to feel that way, sometimes, because of my sexuality.

As for bones... and things.. I'm not sure.. I'm not sure of all the differences between children's bones and adult bones.. as much as other things. I'm probably more attracted to childlike bones. But I know I can be attracted to adults and teenagers, or teenage characters.

But I'm not attracted to wide hips. And it seems like, the older people are, the harder it is to find someone I'm attracted to. It's hard finding women with flat chests, and without wide hips, and petite and with a cute face. Or a man without broad shoulders or body hair or things like that. And if I did, I wonder how many people like that, would accept and love me for who I am.

I've noticed that I'm attracted to adult androgyny, not as much as shota and loli characters sometimes. But it can help and morally it feels a lot better. But it can be hard to find cute, androgynous people. I try when I can, though, to direct my feelings toward adult androgynous.

Though it can be really easy to fall back on lolicon and shotacon and things like that, when I'm an anime and video game fan, and the anime industry and sometimes the video game industry, caters to my feelings so often.

I feel like, I'm attracted to a prepubescent body. But not a prepubescent mind. But the older someone gets, and the more their body ages and changes from puberty... the harder of a time I have finding their body attractive. I try, because I know that being attracted to children is wrong, but it's hard. I think it does help that one of the things I'm more attracted to about prepubescent body types is their infertility and androgyny.

Androgynous adults often have the features of prepubescent children. So I find that very attractive.

Thank you again for taking the time to respond to me. And having very nice things to say.

Hello.

In answer to your question, yes. What you describe does sound like pedophilia. I'm a pedophile myself, and a lot of what you described sounds like something I would say trying to explain my attraction. Especially the way you describe what puberty does to a person's body.

Being a pedophile does not make either you or I monsters. It isn't wrong to be attracted to children. It's wrong to molest children, but pedophiles aren't the same thing as child molesters.

I can certainly understand being afraid of the label, because so many people use the word "pedophile" as a synonym for child molester, and treat the term as the fundamental unit of ultimate evil. A lot of us spent some time being afraid of ourselves or our potential futures because by and large, pedophiles are decent, compassionate people just like everyone else.

You don't need to be afraid of your thoughts and feelings. Bottling them up won't make them go away, and embracing them as a part of yourself won't make you forget why rape is wrong and consent is important.

I hope you find this place helpful and supportive. I know that's something I despirately needed when I was going through what you're dealing with now.

Thank you...

I am very scared of the label. I'm terrified. I'm terrified of the idea of being a pedophile.
A monster that almost everyone in the world seems to hate. People say that pedophiles deserve to die.

I don't want to deserve to die.

Do you think I deserve to die?

You don't deserve to die either.

Being a pedophile just means you're attracted to prepubescent children. It doesn't make you a monster. The people who say it does either don't understand what the word means, or they're moral degenerates who aren't fit to judge anyone.

I understand being afraid. But you aren't the problem. No matter what you think or feel, you are a good person.