Are you distressed?

Mate, you've got to snap out of this. Of course I'm no therapist, but I've been gay a long time. I had not noticeably started puberty when I had my first homosexual experiences. And I have experienced and/or witnessed everything one can imagine. I spent nearly a decade in the closet, feeling ashamed and guilty about who I was. Arguably, I had gone right back in the closet when pedaristic desires took hold of me. My own internalized homophobia came back and placed me in a solitary confinement in an oobliet (i don't know how to spell tgat).

You are gay. You just are. Until you embrace that you can never move on. It strikes me you must have 2 distinct issues: 1. Denial of you sexuality, 2. Some emotional damage that makes the idea of a boy appealing. But what does the boy represent emotionally not sexually?