I'm not sure if I'm a pedophile anymore...

Fair warning; I'm venting, so this post is a bit of a jumbled mess.

I've been going through somewhat of an existential crisis lately. After reading a few posts about people on hear "curing" their pedophilia, or simply strengthening their attraction to women, I began wondering if the same was possible for me. I did a bit of research and I'm now convinced that sexual orientation isn't always set in stone. I used to be attracted to girls when I was much younger, but not at all when I hit puberty. Today, I can find girls attractive, but they don't turn me on in the slightest. Like, if the hottest woman in the world was naked standing in front of me, I'd feel absolutely nothing. My fixation with kids didn't start until I was about 16, and it was VERY strong (still is now), but more from an "omg they're so cute I wanna cuddle the s**t out of them" standpoint. I'm definitely emotionally attracted to them. I just recently got over that little boy I fell in love with a year ago... but the thing that gets me is, I've never had a desire for real sexual intercourse with ANYONE. Girls, kids, you name it. All forms of genitalia gross me out. Pretty much all the pedophiles here have at least some desire for intercourse with kids, but not me. I would say I'm some type of asexual, but I have a diaper fetish which has basically been my sexual orientation since I was 4 years old. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure asexuals usually aren't horny all the damn time. I've just finally accepted myself for being a pedophile, and now I don't even seem to fit that mold anymore. I suddenly feel like I've been lying to myself about being a pedophile just so I could classify my sexual nature. I don't even know what I am. I feel like some f**cked up sub-genre of sexual orientation.

So, based on all this, I have one simple question... What the hell am I? What are you thoughts/theories/beliefs on what my orientation might be or might not be. I know this is a hard question to answer, so feel free to ask me to expand on certain things if I didn't specify enough. You don't have to be a psychiatrist to answer, I just really need some outside opinions. Thanks in advance.

I don't know. I'd say it's perfectly normal to think kids are cute, and that you don't have to be a paedophile to want to cuddle [some of] them. At the same time, I'd imagine that many asexuals find them more appealing than adults.

In light of that, I wouldn't say that a diaper fetish on its own is enough to class you as a paedophile, if you're not actually interested in kids themselves sexually.

For clarification: Do you masturbate often, and do you fantasize during masturbation? What do your fantasies generally depict?

Graveyard76 wrote:I don't know. I'd say it's perfectly normal to think kids are cute, and that you don't have to be a paedophile to want to cuddle [some of] them. At the same time, I'd imagine that many asexuals find them more appealing than adults.

In light of that, I wouldn't say that a diaper fetish on its own is enough to class you as a paedophile, if you're not actually interested in kids themselves sexually.

I wasn't trying to imply the diaper fetish has anything to do with pedophilia. Oh, but I forgot to mention, pretty much every time I make extended physical contact with a kid, I get aroused. Even just holding hands or picking up a toddler. I definitely crave that touch. It's like I'm sexually excited by them... but I don't want to have sex with them. It's weird.

KeepClimbing wrote:For clarification: Do you masturbate often, and do you fantasize during masturbation? What do your fantasies generally depict?

Yeah I masturbate almost daily, but my fantasies... well they always involve either young boys in diapers, or me being a young boy in diapers. They also always involve... using the diapers for their intended purpose (sorry, gross I know).

To my mind, the fact that you masturbate to fantasies involving boys, genitalia oriented or not, seems to indicate paedophilia decisively.

That said, I think labels such as heterosexual, homosexual and paedophile and the like are prone to distract us from investigating into our sexuality and what it says about us in a meaningful way beyond a classification. We all get carried away with terms and definitions; instead we should try to understand ourselves and our sexuality without confining it to a rigid definition. The labelling system also protects us from having to dig deep and confront ourselves; if there is a recognised criteria we can squeeze ourselves into, we feel safe if not 'normal'. Pretend you lived in isolation your entire life without conventional wisdom to direct your thinking. How would you think of your sexuality? You wouldn't have the luxury to simply diagnose yourself under some established umbrella because none would exist. You would instead contemplate all their is to know about yourself and come to a unique understanding of yourself. I think it's important that even in our world of labels, we are not content with categorization and that the appropriate label doesn't distract us from the uniqueness of each of our sexualities and personalities notwithstanding certain similarities. I can vent too

If i may indulge in my favourite hobby of psychobabble, I think your sexuality is reminiscent of a childhood sexuality. Your aversion to genitalia and your fascination with diapers are both things that I would instinctively asociate with a infantile and immature sexuality. I find this congruent with the fact that in the fantasy you are the child; it would seem that you need to experience sexuality through the eyes of a child because that's the nature of your sexuality: a childish one. Does this make any sense?

P.S. I hope you understand that no part of this post is intended to be read in a judgemental tone. We're all a bit weird inside

KeepClimbing wrote:To my mind, the fact that you masturbate to fantasies involving boys, genitalia oriented or not, seems to indicate paedophilia decisively.

That said, I think labels such as heterosexual, homosexual and paedophile and the like are prone to distract us from investigating into our sexuality and what it says about us in a meaningful way beyond a classification. We all get carried away with terms and definitions; instead we should try to understand ourselves and our sexuality without confining it to a rigid definition. The labelling system also protects us from having to dig deep and confront ourselves; if there is a recognised criteria we can squeeze ourselves into, we feel safe if not 'normal'. Pretend you lived in isolation your entire life without conventional wisdom to direct your thinking. How would you think of your sexuality? You wouldn't have the luxury to simply diagnose yourself under some established umbrella because none would exist. You would instead contemplate all their is to know about yourself and come to a unique understanding of yourself. I think it's important that even in our world of labels, we are not content with categorization and that the appropriate label doesn't distract us from the uniqueness of each of our sexualities and personalities notwithstanding certain similarities. I can vent too

If i may indulge in my favourite hobby of psychobabble, I think your sexuality is reminiscent of a childhood sexuality. Your aversion to genitalia and your fascination with diapers are both things that I would instinctively asociate with a infantile and immature sexuality. I find this congruent with the fact that in the fantasy you are the child; it would seem that you need to experience sexuality through the eyes of a child because that's the nature of your sexuality: a childish one. Does this make any sense?

P.S. I hope you understand that no part of this post is intended to be read in a judgemental tone. We're all a bit weird inside

THANK YOU! This is exactly what I was looking for! It's really hard to comprehend that the concept of sexual orientation was conceived by man, and isn't factual at all. I never really thought that no two straight/gay/pedophiles are the same. I guess they're just broad, blanket terms. That being said, after re-reading everything I wrote, I think pedophilia is undoubtedly my "human orientation" as I like to think of it.

I also really love what you said about me simply having a childish sexuality. I never thought of it that way. I always thought orientation was natural and fetishes/kinks formed secondary to them, and they had nothing to do with each other. The idea that I simply have a childish sexuality as a whole makes so much more sense to me, given all the little things that have pressed my buttons for as long as I can remember. I think I've just been trying way too hard to jam myself into a certain group of people so I could feel like I belong somewhere. Thanks a lot this really made me feel better

KeepClimbing wrote:If i may indulge in my favourite hobby of psychobabble, I think your sexuality is reminiscent of a childhood sexuality. Your aversion to genitalia and your fascination with diapers are both things that I would instinctively asociate with a infantile and immature sexuality.

Really? I don't think so. There's nothing objectively special or amazing about genitalia, I don't think they're really attractive either. There isn't anything infantile or immature about that. They just look kind of weird and they're not beautiful either.
I don't like this belief people have that everyone has to be attracted to genitals.

(I'm in a little bit of a bad mood tonight, so I'm sorry for butting in, but this is one of those misconceptions about sexuality that really gets on my nerves sometimes and I honestly can't go without correcting this right now....)

Blackstrat, I'm really pleased that you can relate to the points I made. That's how eager i am for connection; It makes me feel validated when something I say is meaningful to others. Ahhh. The life of a lonely man.

"I think I've just been trying way too hard to jam myself into a certain group of people so I could feel like I belong somewhere"

I think this is a very important recognition on your part. It only sparks anxiety such that led you to open this thread in the first place. But I understand where it comes from. Most people don't give their sexuality much thought ; all they know is that they're just 'normal' and they like thinking about women. People hardly investigate the roots of their sexuality or the subtle preferences of their orientation and what that says about them as people nor do people probe into the emotional experiences that could have shaped their predilections. Having a paraphilia and being different prompts many to try and understand and learn more about themselves and the uniqueness of their sexuality. But sometimes we still seek to feel part some precedent and norm and i think this is inaccurate and largely to our detriment.

What are the earliest sexual thoughts you can remember having as a child?

Skeleton, I'm sorry to hear you're in a bad mood.

I'd like to explain a little more though. Just to clarify, I certainly don't imply that people ought to be attracted to to genitalia and i understand what you say about it being weird and not especially pretty, although I think an aversion towards genitalia is a little more uncommon. Also, when i use the word infantile, I do not intend it in a derogatory way. There is nothing wrong with having a childish sexuality; childish simply means typical to a child but by no means unwarranted outside of childhood. The reason I see it as typical of a childhood sexuality and therefore "childish" is because I think allot of children have a certain squeamish aversion to genitalia even their own because of confusion, and allot of children also have a fascination with diapers and the vulnerable state of being 'changed' and "pooing' most likely because of their own experiences. I think that it's very common for young children to then become sexualy fixated on these aspects. Normally, as their frame of reference increases through exposure and exploration, children tend to graduate this fixation and become more enamored with erections, vaginas and breasts and their purpose. What I meant to convey is that perhaps this fixation is not always graduated as such, but instead is developed further and carried into adulthood. Hence, childish sexuality. I hope this makes more sense.

KeepClimbing wrote:Blackstrat, I'm really pleased that you can relate to the points I made. That's how eager i am for connection; It makes me feel validated when something I say is meaningful to others. Ahhh. The life of a lonely man.

I'm glad my being pleased, pleased you

KeepClimbing wrote:What are the earliest sexual thoughts you can remember having as a child?

Wow, I really gotta go back for that one. There are 2 incidents I remember from when I was 3 and 4. First, I remember seeing these commercials with a baby where there was water being poured over his belly button, and this fascinated me. For a while, every time I got to be alone in the bath I would play with my belly button and pour water over it trying to recreate that scene in the commercial. The next one was when I was 4. I remember laying on the floor with my eyes closed fantasizing about there being two women just awing over me, tickling me, and talking to me in a really babyish manner. It was extremely vivid... I remember both those experiences were very sensual, and I now know that they were indeed sexual. The diaper fixation literally appeared over night when I was 6, after I had a random dream involving potty training. Weird. It seems like it's always been this way. It's like the baby treatment was my sexual fantasy immediately after I stopped being a baby. I still don't get why this would happen though, everyone else is a baby at some point too. Sexuality is really freakin' confusing.

It's confusing, yes. Needless to say,the development of sexuality is complex and influenced by many factors. Genes, hormones, psychology, and the the way these factors interact with each other and their subjective environment. That is not to say that we cannot identify patterns that can help unravel key aspects of the plethora of psychological data of which our life as we know it comprises.

You are in the best position to do this in your own case. I imagine that the more you investigate your early sexual feelings and how they compare with your present sexual personality, you will continue to discover more links and corroborations that will help you come to terms with yourself more and more.

Pleasure talking. "oh get a room you two!" Wait, who said that? lol
May we all be blessed!