Sex for the sake of sex/sex in 3rd person

Sexual stimulation is physically uncomfortable. I started masturbating at age 11 for the sake of saying I masturbated. To get back at the adults in my life and subvert their sense of control over me, but also because the idea of masturbation itself was interesting. Even if it didn't feel good.

I began a relationship with a spirit entity around then, which turned sexual before I hit 13 years of age.

All the sexual acts we performed were about performance...the idea that we were having sex, and it was strenuous and scary but we were doing it anyway because. When he touched me I went along with it, sex didn't exist on a subjective level at the time. Still doesn't. It's all going through choreography, but I don't mind the choreography.

(It lead to some bizarre things like touching our buttocks together back to back, rubbing testicles on anus, reciting the Gettysburg Address into his perineum while he's astride my mouth...weird and sexual things for the sake of being weird and sexual, not physically arousing or particularly stimulating.)

I always see myself in third person during sex. It's like I'm acting in a softcore porn movie, except I'm observing myself and nobody else is.

The kinks I have are a lot like that too...seeing blood and ritualistically performing morbidity, violence, sorrow, self-harm, death...the aesthetic for its own sake is the appeal. Performing shock art for an audience of myself and my partner alone.

I have this attitude of "ooo, look at me all you miserable sheeple, I'm having SEX! And it's gross! And you can't stop me! 2edgy4u!" Is it going to cause bigger problems? Is this a result of premature sexual activity? Am I seeing myself as more damaged than I really am?

There are multiple ways in which I am sexually abnormal and it's bothering me.

I can relate. I definitely enjoy sexual pleasure but the shock value and theatricality of it all really helps things along.

Maybe it's this reason I like dwarfes, albinos, BBWs, imaginary relatives and children though I am attracted to them in their own right as well.

Xren wrote:The kinks I have are a lot like that too...seeing blood and ritualistically performing morbidity, violence, sorrow, self-harm, death...the aesthetic for its own sake is the appeal. Performing shock art for an audience of myself and my partner alone.

I can sonewhat relate to these kinks. Could you elaborate a little bit more? Do you find it aesthetically but not sexually appealing, is that what you mean?

ElKahn wrote:

Xren wrote:The kinks I have are a lot like that too...seeing blood and ritualistically performing morbidity, violence, sorrow, self-harm, death...the aesthetic for its own sake is the appeal. Performing shock art for an audience of myself and my partner alone.

I can sonewhat relate to these kinks. Could you elaborate a little bit more? Do you find it aesthetically but not sexually appealing, is that what you mean?

I don't really find anything actively sexually appealing. I like the thought of doing these things, cutting, death roleplay, etc. and the thought/mental image is enough to make it enjoyable in real life. I'm always seeing myself/whoever I'm with from somewhere off to the side, like I'm an invisible observer of the act. The thought of a hypothetical observer, an eye in the sky, and its opinion of what goes on (probably negative/disgusted but powerless to stop it or have its opinion considered) is part of it. I'm happiest when I live my entire life through such a film perspective, too. I'm most "in the moment" of anything when I'm watching myself from outside.

All the while I'm silently laughing at the hypothetical audience who will be shocked and disgusted, but will not be able to deny that such a "disgusting display" has more in common with their own understanding of intimacy than they want to admit. It's almost vengeful, defiant.

"You don't TELL me what I can and cannot do in sex," I'm thinking, "you will recognize the existence of that which exists beyond the limits of acceptable, you WILL witness this, YOU WILL SEE. THIS EXISTS. I MADE IT EXIST. And because it's a movie, and everything looks cool in a movie, it will look COOL."

"I began a relationship with a spirit entity around then, which turned sexual before I hit 13 years of age."


An interesting statement. I wouldn't mind an elaboration on that. I may have once been taken by an incubus.

You have a great emotional detachment when it comes to sex. I may be wrong but in my opinion you're having sex as a way to search validation from this "imaginary audience", which could be your inner self, perhaps it is a way to overcome low self esteem? I can see that sex for you is a way you express yourself ...

Were you repressed during your childhood? Had strict parents? Are you introverted? Maybe you should find other ways to express yourself, not only during sex, and maybe when you express yourselves in other areas sex will be more pleasurable and less theatrical to you.

snaga2.0 wrote:An interesting statement. I wouldn't mind an elaboration on that. I may have once been taken by an incubus.

He's a ghost, or a once-human entity that no longer occupies a living human body (though I have my doubts his spirit was a human one to begin with.) Pretty sure he's not an incubus though, he doesn't crave sexual energy and he was always the one exhausted afterward...he got kind of loopy after sexual contact, as though sexuality wasn't a part of him and his mind had been blasted open by the mere possibility of sex happening. And he cried a lot and got emotional afterward, which resulted in temperature, weather and electrical anomalies.

Vinylvanilla wrote:You have a great emotional detachment when it comes to sex. I may be wrong but in my opinion you're having sex as a way to search validation from this "imaginary audience", which could be your inner self, perhaps it is a way to overcome low self esteem? I can see that sex for you is a way you express yourself ...

Were you repressed during your childhood? Had strict parents? Are you introverted? Maybe you should find other ways to express yourself, not only during sex, and maybe when you express yourselves in other areas sex will be more pleasurable and less theatrical to you.

Nope, thoughts are the same as emotions, and it's 100% thought because the physical sensations are kind of bad no matter what I do differently. So it's not emotional detachment, it's physical detachment.

I wrote a lot, played music, and acted on stage and sex didn't feel any more "good" or "fun." My parents were very open-minded and democratic, and they did try to give me the talk about how masturbation was natural and normal and should feel good and sex is something you share with someone you love, and all of that. And I had a strange resentment of the idea instead because it seemed like a bunch of childish hippie twaddle and touching myself on the genital area never felt good, just annoying. Everything functioned normally, but it wasn't a pleasurable feeling.

Yes, I am introverted, but I was never timid or conflict-averse.

The thought of sex being pleasurable is not just alien to me, it's sort of repulsive, as though having physically pleasurable sex is anti-intellectual and vapid and weakening and a denial of animal nature. Many animal species are in serious discomfort when they mate, or when they are in heat, and they do it to alleviate a painful urge to reproduce--like a full bladder except with sex. Or if not, they do it to stake a claim on another animal--"this one is mine--" or to establish dominance--"this one is subordinate to me."

Everything that is self-expression is theatrical anyway. Everything people do and say in public, or in private with others, has performance in it. It doesn't mean it's fake.

He's a ghost, or a once-human entity that no longer occupies a living human body (though I have my doubts his spirit was a human one to begin with.) Pretty sure he's not an incubus though, he doesn't crave sexual energy and he was always the one exhausted afterward...he got kind of loopy after sexual contact, as though sexuality wasn't a part of him and his mind had been blasted open by the mere possibility of sex happening.

Okay. Just wondered. I once dreamt an invisible male entity was having sex with me and I did wake up feeling exhausted as if I had been drained of life force.

In no shrink, if I was to take a materialistic view I'd be of the opinion you feel desire for sex yet have issues with it so you externalize things.

-- Mon Jan 12, 2015 4:17 pm --

I mean, I agree it sounds as if detach yourself from sexual action

snaga2.0 wrote:In no shrink, if I was to take a materialistic view I'd be of the opinion you feel desire for sex yet have issues with it so you externalize things.

-- Mon Jan 12, 2015 4:17 pm --

I mean, I agree it sounds as if detach yourself from sexual action

Everyone over 13 years of age with normal hormone levels has a libido...?

I guess the issues are physical/neurological, the sensation is just crappy no matter what. I don't like being touched or hugged or kissed and I hate massages, and the only way to relieve sexual tension requires stimulation that is uncomfortable to me.

I cannot understand for the life of me how prolonged touching of a body part with that many nerve endings can feel anything but stressful

I may as well enjoy what I can, which is the mental aspect, I guess. How do I explain that I'm a person who is never going to physically enjoy sex? How do I accept this about myself?

Hmm put that way it seems as if you are hypersensitive to sensation. Well, I sure don't know the answer, it could have a physical or mental cause if hypersensitivity is the problem. I know I have heard of people who do not care for much contact. I hope you can consult with a professional of some kind to see if there is a solution, I'm sure there has to be something.