family problems

i recently found out from my mother that my brother is facing charges of possession of child pornography. i'm not really sure what to do. he and i have a complicated relationship to say the least; he's a veteran and graduated college and is in a conventional heterosexual long-term relationship and has never had troubles finding employment. meanwhile i am mentally ill (bipolar, borderline, PTSD, anxiety), dropped out of college, and was homeless for a very long time. also i'm bisexual, which wouldn't matter so much since i'm with a man now, but i'm still very "butch" and this matters to my mother, because she is keen on appearances. i used to live with them once as an adult, because i was homeless and had come down with thrombocytopenia (low platelet count) but my brother and i had such problems due to his violent and aggressive behavior that i was forced to leave and get back out on the streets for my personal safety. i thought everything with him was going fine but then she tells me about the child pornography charges. since then i've had trouble sleeping, don't like going outside anymore, don't really talk to friends... this is all i think about these days, and it scares me because i don't know what will happen if he goes to prison, i'm scared he'll join a group of some sort and then come back and try to kill me. he already tried to choke me before a few years ago, and that's why i don't attend family functions. i used to e-mail with my mother and pretend like everything is okay, but this stuff with my brother made things too tense. at one point during the holiday season, because i was stressed, i sent her an e-mail calling her out for always covering for him, about not preventing the abuse and attacks from a few years back, and i know it's important to be in the present and not stuck in the past, but i got sick of always being the "nice one" and feeling like a doormat all the time. she got mad at being told off, and she told me not to e-mail her anymore until i think before i speak... she defriended me on social networks, all these things. it just seems like he is always the favorite, and although i am grateful for his military service i'm sick of that being used to manipulate people into thinking he is a good person. i'm sick of the fact that she told me not to tell anyone about these charges against him. she is enabling him. he's an adult and she treats him like he's royalty.

i guess i'm wondering, am i being too judgmental here? am i justified in cutting ties with both of them? i feel like it's become an unhealthy relationship, and though i understand the role family plays in one's life and the gratitude necessary, i also feel like it would be better for my anger and my own mental illness that i no longer speak with them.

someone tell me what i should be doing, i feel like all of this is my fault. all i want is to leave town and forget i ever had a family, or just sleep forever. help.

If he goes on a sex offender coarse the one of the things they will try to help him with is building positive relationships, especially with his family. It might be possible for you, if you stay in contact with him, to suggest he attends any anger management courses whilst in prison. If you are in the USA then he will very probably go to prison, and my understanding of things over there is that if he charged under federal law he can go to prison for substantially longer for CP that if he actually had sex with a child. The other worrying trend I have heard of from the US is this truly evil practice of long term commitment to a mental hospital, so that is another worrying possibility.

Do you have any idea of the severity of what he is accused of?

Whether you choose to stay in contact with him is something only you can decide. But you should stay in contact with your mother and try to build a healthy relationship with her. And from the sound of your post it might be worth trying to have some therapy for yourself to help you cope better.

If you are in the US then there is a helpline for offenders and thier families, you could call them up. Just Google Stop it now

I don't think you're being too judgemental at all. It's just a shame for you that you've got close family members whose behaviour is so toxic. It's not your fault whatsoever.

Stand tall. You don't need people who drag you down.

I agree that you are not being too judgmental, and you have a right to a safe and healthy life. You needn't stay close to people who are toxic no matter how related you may be.

That said, you may have difficulty" forgetting" you ever had a family. I have all sorts of people in my family I have no problem ever seeing again, but sometimes it can't be avoided. I have just learned over the years how to step in and step out without trashing my inner peace.

I hope you can find help and find peace with your troubles within yourself. I wish you the best.

Sounds like the usual mess that family causes. It would make sense to think about deFOOing.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stefan_Mol ... 2FOO.22.29

theclouds wrote:Sounds like the usual mess that family causes. It would make sense to think about deFOOing.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stefan_Mol ... 2FOO.22.29

What does Stefan Molyneux have to do with things? I saw a Ted Talk he gave once, was fairly enjoyable, but what can he contribute to this matter?

He coined the term "deFOO" and led many people through the process of getting free from their destructive families.

theclouds wrote:He coined the term "deFOO" and led many people through the process of getting free from their destructive families.

Oh right. I don't know much about him only that Ted Talk or whatever it was I saw. I was probably pissed so I can't remember much about it.

There are MILLIONS of mentally-ill people out in society that are ill, but not ill enough to be considered "clinically mentally ill." These people are all members of families--mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, etc.--and because they are ill, their behavior poisons the well of human and familial interactions within their family. If you have family members who are ill and refuse to get help or acknowledge that they have a problem (this has a name: ego syntonic symptoms) then the only option may be cutting off all contact with them. If their crazy behavior is making YOU crazy, then it may be time to move on and live your life without crazy, negative relatives screwing up your life. And so--deFOO. Getting your "Family Of Origin" out of your life.

Or getting yourself out of their circle of malevolent influence. Sometimes it's just the only solution to crazy, dangerous relatives.