Things I learned in 2014

I learned stuff this year. And there is no way to describe how painful it has been.

I learned that I became like my uncle, despite years of a recurring internal dialogue that "I am not like him", the internet and unwanted thoughts made me like him.

I learned that was not the only event that counts as rape/abuse.

I learned that being an underage "rent boy" does not make you special, it makes you pathetic and damages you permanently.

I learned the word "masochist".

I learned that I am not a paedophile. That is good to know.

I learned that I never got over the bad things in my childhood.

It is confirmed. I am gay, stuff didn't cause me to be gay. I am just gay. And I am really bipolar and OCD, they did not make it up. And I am an alcoholic, it is a problem. And my good friend, who I stabbed in the back, was doing his best to help me when he got at me for my drinking. That could not have been easy for him. But I f***** him over anyway.

I learned there is nothing left to live for.

I learned that paedophilia is distinct from hebaphilia and ephebophilia but society likes to lump it all together.

I learned that most gays who are into "twinks" are liable for a CP charge and a label of "paedophile".

I learned that paedophiles are not responsible for most child sex abuse. Most child sex abusers are not paedophiles. Most CP is not paedophilia but "jailbait" and hebaphilia.

I thought I learned that paedophiles are deserving of help and support, but in talking to them, this may not be true.

I did learn that my loneliness is now permanent, as is my joblessness. And I will never ever have a friend, partner or life ever again.

Most of all, I learned that I really am worthless and love is something I can never be in the vicinity of, let alone touch.

I learned the darkness is the truth.

Merry f****** christmas.

James, I know you're in a dark place right now, but you are not worthless, and you are not beaten yet. Put that white flag down ffs. Maybe you're right about joblessness and lovelessness forever, but only you decide if those things are a certainty. If you write yourself off, they are. Worse people than you get back on their feet. I say 'worse', you don't even register on the scale of some of the evil scumbags in this country that come out of prison and put their lives back on track.

You've had a terrible time, and you've come through a lot of bad stuff. There's precious little justice in this world, and what little there is doesn't just fall in our laps. You have to say to yourself: "I'm not taking this shite any more. I'm going to make things go my way."

If you can't do it without help, then pester the doctors or mental health people, and bloody well demand help. They give it to murderers, rapists etc. They can bloody well give it to somebody who deserves it for once.

Positive vibes to you.

Doctors and help is all crap.

Statistics tell a better story.

From 14 to 24 I had behaviours the ment on average I went with 2 different guys per week, but often I went with more. With the help of mania I went on sex binges to London, often going with 2 or more in a day.Last boyfriend I had wanted to go to a concert, I was unemployed at the time so did not have the money, so I cheated on him with 3 guys in one day to get the money. Thank God he never knew because he was the kind of person who would have been really hurt by that

But. I have pleasures at least 300 men. "dated" 4 guys. And always felt alone.

When sex is on tap you never feel alone.

When time catches up with you, and sex is no more, you always feel alone

I hate myself.

That "always feeling alone" sucks. Though as you wrote. Just being younger again wouldn't cure it.

I apologise for stating the obvious. But there are reasons to love people that aren't based on sex. And there are reasons for people to value each other. That don't come down to money or [again] sex. It seems like perhaps you've had emotional brain washing about that?

Ada wrote:That "always feeling alone" sucks. Though as you wrote. Just being younger again wouldn't cure it.

I apologise for stating the obvious. But there are reasons to love people that aren't based on sex. And there are reasons for people to value each other. That don't come down to money or [again] sex. It seems like perhaps you've had emotional brain washing about that?

Well I got involved in cruising for sex at a tragically young age. No learning about courtship or feelings or that. Straight to the mechanics of sex for the biochemical reward. Sex was easy, disposable, cheap (for me, not so much for my "customers" oftentimes) and always readily available, 24/7.

When I tried to date people, I just couldn't handle it.

Is that unchangeable, do you think? The not being able to handle it?

Ada wrote:Is that unchangeable, do you think? The not being able to handle it?

Oh I know my behaviours. If I have any kindness in my heart then I would not inflict myself onto anyone else. I would create mental health problems for anyone who was fool enough to fall in love with me.

I think love for me looks like someone who can take care of all my needs and expect nothing in return, and forgive my constant trouble making.

I am nobody's dream. Most people's nightmare.

cumulusjames wrote:I think love for me looks like someone who can take care of all my needs and expect nothing in return, and forgive my constant trouble making.

With apologies for beard stroking therapy crap. That seems to be describing an ideal parent more than a lover.

Ada wrote:

cumulusjames wrote:I think love for me looks like someone who can take care of all my needs and expect nothing in return, and forgive my constant trouble making.

With apologies for beard stroking therapy crap. That seems to be describing an ideal parent more than a lover.

I don't like thinking along those lines because then you might get to why I was having sex with adult men as a boy, and the kind of men.

No. That's not nice.

Very not nice.

For the future, though. Things could perhaps be done differently. And nicely for everyone.