Urge to have sex with my mother. Why do I have this?

Over the past 20+ years, I have fantasies of having sex with my mother. Iam now in my 40's and she is in her 70's. I remember when I was 15, I was looking for matches and went into my mother and step fathers bedroom to look for some. I looked in a drawer and found a dildo and vibrator. I knew what they were for. Finding those sexually aroused me. After I found them, I thought back to the past 3 years or so watching tv in my moms bedroom. She was in bed under the blankets and I would be laying on the floor. Something would distort the tv and I heard a vibrating noise. Didn't know what it was and now it hit me. She would masturbate with her toys while I was in the room. I didn't see anything, but knew what she was doing. Ever since then, I have fantasized of having sex with her. How can I stop these thoughts after 20+ years? Do I actually want it to happen? Yes, I do, but also know it's wrong. I do think sometimes she wants me. Just by her actions and things she says, but not certain. Thank you

I highly doubt she wants you in that way.

I think you've got a crosswire, due to finding those things at the age you were, and getting turned on by the thought of what she was doing with them. It's just a bit unfortunate it happened to be your mother.

Welcome to the inappropriately attracted club!

You've got a clear and obvious starting point for your attraction, which is more than most of us have. Whether it can be got rid of or not after the best part of three decades, I'm not sure, but I'd guess that a decent psychotherapist would stand a very good chance of being able to uncross that crosswire.

It depends how much difficulty this attraction is giving you. Would you go so far as to see a professional about it?

I am in 43 and my mom would be 60 if she were alive. I understand what happened to you when you were Young and the kind of attraction and obsession it caused. What I am not sure is what kind of response you may get if you approach her in a sexual way now. In my opinion and experience, it would have been much more easier to get an affirmative response if you have intented that when you were a teenager, because then you were mom´s everything and you may have get a "yes" just because of love. Now, being the two of you adults, I am not sure she will react the same way.

A yes cause of love? Lol I could see that working really well with my mom... What are you doing are you INSANE?? Or something to that effect.

On one level I think it's perfectly normal for a little sexual dynamic aimed at your opposite sex parent. I've had erotic dreams about my mom. And the occasional waking fantasy. I'm one of those boys that discovered the erotic appeal of masturbating in women's garments, and I had no older sisters, so.... I think that also fed that latent desire just a little.

It's not a frequent thing with me so I just put it down to one of them crazy psych things that people's minds do.

I never found toys like you but I did stumble across nude photos of her when I was maybe 12. Maybe that has something to do with it? Don't know. Nothing I'd ever have pursued when she was alive.

I think it was rather naughty of her to use toys with you in the room! Only you can judge as to whether there was sexual dynamic aimed at you personally or whether that was a more generalized fetish of hers to masturbate in inappropriate or discoverable settings. Or maybe it's dang he won't leave well I'm using my toy anyway....

I don't know how easy it can be to rod yourself of those thoughts. I know I am particularly excited by taboo sex and if I had allowed thoughts like that to gain traction they would be hard to dislodge.

You are not alone. I've lived with guilt and shame my adult life for having feelings for my Mom. About seven years ago I was thinking about talking to a therapist about it and started researching the subject online. To my great relief I discovered this is not uncommon. I've had no experiences like you and had a normal middle class upbringing, so I don't know what to attribute it to. After reading so much about the subject, I'm now at peace with it and am grateful I didn't say anything to anyone.
I'm in my 50s and Mom is in her late 70s and who knows if anything will happen.