Need some support

ElKahn wrote:Correct me if I'm wrong.....you're saying that you are only attracted to pictures of children and like chatting about them, right? So you don't look at them in real life?

Anyway, you sound like a good person. You just wanted to avoid hurting your wife, so you probably felt like lying was the best option. However, it is crucial in a relationship to be honest to each other.

Try to get her trust back by showing the best side of you. Make her understand that you can't help the attraction, but you're not going to hurt any child.

Yes, my only interests were looking at inappropriate pictures and chatting about kids with other people like me. I never wanted to chat with kids, but adults who also liked kids. Preferred "mothers of little kids or other females who liked little kids", although was likely just chatting with a perverted guy like myself. I don't envision myself with kids in real life or attempt to put myself in a situation where I could do anything with a child.

I like to think I am a good person, just with some really bad habits. And yes I did want to avoid involving my wife in this, hurting her, and having her look at me as some kind of sicko. I am trying to stay "clean", avoiding using the computer and keep positive thoughts in my head. My wife says that she understands that I do not want to hurt kids, but she comes from a very conservative upbringing and this whole topic is completely foreign to her she says she can't be with someone that has been lying to her about this like I have.

I am trying to do everything I can to make things right, but it seems like its too late for that. Trying to keep my sanity and not become severely depressed.

HookedonPix wrote:Thanks for all of your encoragement. In reply to RainbowStar, this actually is all of my fault. My wife has caught me looking at pictures of nude children and chatting in pedo chat rooms. This is something i have been hiding for a long time and denying to myself that i had a problem. I havent touched any children in a sexual way or had the desire to. All of my activity was kept online.

My wife used to be a happy person who always smiled, now she is unhappy and often depressed. I have destroyed her hopes and dreams for us as a couple and I am going to loose the person who i wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Were you impulsive and insensitive or is your wife thick-headed and rash? Neither.

I used to study with this lady, she's talking about why blame is an unhelpful mind-game and how to get out of it; what she says applies to both you and your wife, http://youtu.be/7nSUrIKr9O4

Here is an expanded text version that might be helpful for you in trying to understand what I'm wanting to communicate to you about the counter-productiveness of blame, and maybe spark you to see things in a way that will serve you better, http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/ ... bryson.pdf

Not withstanding, you may be needing some time for mourning your loss.

Your wife is obviously very hurt and still in shock. Be honest and open with her, and maybe she will
be willing to learn more about pedophiles (that not all are molesters!). Many of us non-pedophiles need to be educated about this.

Worst case scenario, do you fear she will want sole custody of your daughter?

I second Prairie gal. Your wife is still in shock. It's not easy for non pedophiles to understand the difference between pedophile and child molester. You should definitely keep trying to educate her about this important difference.

Hope things turn out ok in the future

Prairie gal wrote:Your wife is obviously very hurt and still in shock. Be honest and open with her, and maybe she will
be willing to learn more about pedophiles (that not all are molesters!). Many of us non-pedophiles need to be educated about this.

Worst case scenario, do you fear she will want sole custody of your daughter?

Yes she is deffinitly feeling hurt and in shock, add in some betrayal and humilation too. I have tried talking to her and she just cant really wrap her mind around something like this. As for the custody issue, yes she wants full custody and i am not fighting it or anything else she wants. I have put her through enough already and dont want to cause anymore problems. She has told me i can see my daughter whenever i want, and i have no reason to doubt her. She has never lied to me, unlike my lies to her. I am hoping lawyers wont need to be involved. We cant afford to file the paperwork neverless pay layers. I am still not sure how we are going to be able to maintain two seperate places to live when we sometimes have problems with the bills on our one house now. I just take things day by day and try to let her know that i love her and always will.

HookedonPix wrote:Yes she is deffinitly feeling hurt and in shock, add in some betrayal and humilation too. I have tried talking to her and she just cant really wrap her mind around something like this. As for the custody issue, yes she wants full custody and i am not fighting it or anything else she wants. I have put her through enough already and dont want to cause anymore problems. She has told me i can see my daughter whenever i want, and i have no reason to doubt her. She has never lied to me, unlike my lies to her. I am hoping lawyers wont need to be involved. We cant afford to file the paperwork neverless pay layers. I am still not sure how we are going to be able to maintain two seperate places to live when we sometimes have problems with the bills on our one house now. I just take things day by day and try to let her know that i love her and always will.

You don't have to be so hard on yourself though. Everyone lies, everyone makes mistakes in their lives. The most important thing is acknowledging the existence of such mistake and apologizing, something you already did. No need to torture yourself with this. Guilt is a damaging feeling. A healthy amount of guilt is okay, but when it gets too intense, it's hell. Don't put yourself through hell.

Here if you need support.

ElKahn wrote:

HookedonPix wrote:Yes she is deffinitly feeling hurt and in shock, add in some betrayal and humilation too. I have tried talking to her and she just cant really wrap her mind around something like this. As for the custody issue, yes she wants full custody and i am not fighting it or anything else she wants. I have put her through enough already and dont want to cause anymore problems. She has told me i can see my daughter whenever i want, and i have no reason to doubt her. She has never lied to me, unlike my lies to her. I am hoping lawyers wont need to be involved. We cant afford to file the paperwork neverless pay layers. I am still not sure how we are going to be able to maintain two seperate places to live when we sometimes have problems with the bills on our one house now. I just take things day by day and try to let her know that i love her and always will.

You don't have to be so hard on yourself though. Everyone lies, everyone makes mistakes in their lives. The most important thing is acknowledging the existence of such mistake and apologizing, something you already did. No need to torture yourself with this. Guilt is a damaging feeling. A healthy amount of guilt is okay, but when it gets too intense, it's hell. Don't put yourself through hell.

Here if you need support.

I appreciate the support, i am just having a hard time with whats going on. Wanting the divorce isnt mutual, she says she cant stay married knowing what i have been doing. The lease on our home is up at the end of the year and she says she and my daughter may not be here for Christmas. I just feel so low right now knowing its all my fault and i cant do anything about it. Im trying to stay positive, but my wife and my daughter are my whole world. I only wish i could go back in time and slap the sh!t out of myself and make myself stop doing the things that caused all of this. Well off to work, will check back later on.

Elkahn wrote:Guilt is a damaging feeling.

One could easily say that the wife is the one who is destroying the marriage just because the guy looked at some pictures of girls online; she is very selfish, rash, and thick-headed. When the pendulum of blame swings back the other way, and it likely will, because blaming others and blaming ourselves is the same psychologically violent process, there is going to be furry. That's why it's better to seek a fair resolution now, rather than giving into her every whim now and then resenting her later.

HookedonPix wrote: I havent touched any children in a sexual way or had the desire to. All of my activity was kept online.

Hi HookedOnPix - be careful here in saying you have no sexual desire to children. Looking at such material indicates otherwise, but this can be a learned behaviour in people who stray into that sort of thing. You need to figure out "what that was all about" as it were.

I am sorry things are tought for you right now, but you need to find wasy of moving forward in a positive way. What's done is done, it's what you do from here that is important. That involves taking full reponsibility for your offending, then working hard to understand and admit the reasons for it and then you can commit to change.

I assume you will still see your daughter - even if supervised? If that is true then you have a very strong incentive to pick yourself up, get through this and focus on being a GOOD Dad and a GOOD person and leading a GOOD life.

You may find this website helpful

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/

rainbowstar wrote:

Elkahn wrote:Guilt is a damaging feeling.

One could easily say that the wife is the one who is destroying the marriage just because the guy looked at some pictures of girls online; she is very selfish, rash, and thick-headed. When the pendulum of blame swings back the other way, and it likely will, because blaming others and blaming ourselves is the same psychologically violent process, there is going to be furry. That's why it's better to seek a fair resolution now, rather than giving into her every whim now and then resenting her later.

rainbowstar, criticizing his wife like that is not very appropriate nor is it helpful....
It's not because "the guy looked at some pictures of girls online". I understand the OP shouldn't blame himself too much, as he can't help his attractions, but what he did had consequences one can't simply ignore.