Forever Alone Syndrome

Warning, this is really depressing. Is that a trigger? I don't know, whatever.
So, lately I've been experiencing what I like to call "forever alone syndrome". All you exclusive pedophiles probably know what I'm talking about. It's that feeling you get from the knowledge that you'll never be able to fall in love and have a healthy relationship with anyone. Sometimes you find something to cover it up for awhile, and you don't feel it for an hour, a day, a week, maybe even a month, but it's always still there biting at you. Well, it's been killing me as of recently, and it is the absolute worst. My life feels completely hopeless. Suicide sounds like a good thing to me now. Not to mention, I can never talk to anyone about my attractions since I plan to work with kids in the future. That really puts the frosting on the isolation cake.

So I'm wondering, how do you exclusive pedos deal with this? Like, how do you go on living every day with this in the back of your mind all the time? Do you eventually just accept being alone or does it always hurt this bad? I just can't picture making it all he way through my life like this. Sorry for being overly emotional, I'm just in that kind of mood.

Ring-ring-ring-ring...Suicide Hotline.

I am a non-exclusive pedophile, but I get that feeling, myself. I am married, but there are times I still feel alone and also suicidal. I can tell you that finding this website has helped me, a lot!

If you ever would like to talk, I am always happy to listen. And I also work with children, so I think I would understand at least some of what you are feeling.

You are NOT alone. You will never ever be alone. I'm here for you and as long as I'm alive I will always be here and anywhere when you need me to give you comfort and support, or you just need to know that someone cares about you and needs you.

You have become very very important to me and I know deep down you know its true, but you're just letting the sadness get in the way of your right to be happy. Things are not as bad as they seem. Your just having a rough time right now but you will get thru it and if you think its to hard for you to do it alone then I'll fight thru the struggle with you and we will get thru it together. You don't have no other choice because your thoughts about hurting yourself upsets me because you are thinking about hurting someone I just happen to care so much about. It has not been that long since we known each other, but still I am a changed person with you in my life. You give me so much strength and desire to fight and take back my life and survive. You told me that I'm important and you convince me that I have a right to be respected and loved and that people didn't ever have the right to hurt me and rape me when I was young and I thought I was worthless and I deserved what they did to me. You made me believe that they were wrong and that I deserved to be protected and loved and innocent. You deserve to be protected and loved to.

How could you even think for one minute that you are not just as important to the world as you made me believe I am? Why would you ever worry that you will be alone? I am not a person that abandones the people I care about. I am not the person my parents thought they could create. I don't hurt people so I can feel good about myself. I am attracted to kids but I am not like my parents and the way they thought they could do whatever they wanted to make themselves feel good. I love kids and I would never ever hurt any kid. I wouldn't confuse a child by doing anything that he or she didn't want or understand and even if the child still thought he or she wanted to do something sexual I still wouldn't do that, because kids don't understand what sex is and I don't care what anybody else thinks. I care about what I think and I care about making sure a child is always protected. I am totally the opposite of my parents and all the bad people that hurt me and hurt other kids. So please believe in me when I swear that you are important to me BlackStrat, and if you are sad then I am sad to. If you need someone to help you up then I will lift you in my arms and carry you until we get thru the tough times.

Suicide is not an answer, its the end. So sinse I swear to always be there for you now you can't think about suicide anymore because you have to be there for me to when I'm struggling.

Daniel

As a necrophile who goes through the exact same thing as the OP, I've got to say there's no magic way of coping with the knowledge that you'll never be able to have that special 'love' in your life.

I'm on anti-depressants, and I just try to get on with life, but sometimes it's just too much of a weight, and suicide does seem like an option at times. Today in fact, I laid in bed until 4pm thinking about it. I just couldn't see a reason to get up and face this bloody world.

I think what normally helps me is having lots of 'other' interests. Usually at weekends, I drive out and visit places that interest me. My car isn't working this weekend, so I'm finding myself with nowhere to hide from my thoughts, but it definitely helps when you make your life about as many 'other' things as possible.

It gets bad for me around the holidays. Valentines day especially leaves me feeling like a failure despite reminding myself that this is all just social programming. Most days, it doesn't come up, and I can usually sublimate those feelings of failure into motivation for helping other pedophiles know that they aren't alone, and aren't the evil monsters everyone seems to think we are.

When I get to that near-suicidal point, I've managed to shift the method. Since I've largely accepted that exposure will mean death, once I get to the point of suicidal ideation anymore I instead start contemplating and planning to come out.

Jim- Thanks a lot. Working with kids seems like a great thing because I'll be able to have kids in my life, but it'll be difficult because I'll have to bottle up my attractions for most of my life. I'm confident in my self control, so I think it's worth it.

Graveyard- That's exactly how I feel a lot of the time. Those times when you have nothing to look forward to are the hardest to get through. I've found the only thing I can really do is surround myself with my favorite hobbies and stay busy all the time. It actually does help a lot but it's only temporary.

YYR- I know EXACTLY what you mean about the holidays. Actually, just love portraits of love and family in the media in general. Whenever I see a happy couple or a father and son showing eachother affection, it always just stings a little bit. It's like the whole "happy family" thing is constantly being shoved down my throat. I really need to just learn how to turn my depression into something more constructive.

Daniel- You're the reason I would never hurt myself. I couldn't do that to you after everything you've done for me. I know I can just come to you whenever I'm feeling like I was yesterday. I made this post when I still didn't know if you were gonna be ok or not. I'm feeling a lot better now

BlackStrat, I can tell you that focusing on being a professional has not only kept me from acting on anything when I am working with kids, but has even kept a lot of the feelings at bay. I am not going to lie, they certainly come up at times. But for the most part keeping in mind why I am working with them and what my goals are (for myself and for them) keeps me from having those feelings much of the time (and has completely kept me from acting on them). I do fantasize a great deal, but I try not to fantasize about the kids I work with (though it does happen, sometimes). Good luck and if you would ever like to talk about it I am happy to do so.