Help!!! So troubled and frustrated.....

Hi all,

I’m not sure whether I should post this here, but as I’ve seen several other similar posts here, so wth…..

I’m a 31 yr old male, and I’ve been havin a crush on my gf’s 14 yr old niece (let’s call her N) for 4 yrs now. I’m not even sure if it IS a crush. Right from the start, I kept trying to tell myself that it’s just a passing crush or infatuation, but it seems and feels that it’s more than that. It’s not even sexual in any way for me. I keep avoiding it, but the “L” word keeps coming back to my mind.

I got together with my gf when I was 22 and we are still going strong today. I LOVE her (gf). There’s no doubt bout that. And when I got to know N, she was just a 5 yr old kid, and I never felt anything then. I had always just thought of her as a cute kid, nothing more. And from the start, we had always been real close. As I’m always over at my gf’s place, we’d always hang out, or when we went out, we’d often bring her 2 nieces along with us. (Btw, I don’t have ANY wrong thoughts about the younger niece, and just treats her as a junior to me).

It was around when N was 10 or so, I started to develop “feelings” or “infatuations” for her. I don’t even know how it started, but it was like, one day, it hit me that I actually LIKE her. And I know it’s totally messed up and wrong. I kept telling myself that I’m crazy, she’s a kid, it’s wrong, and I’m in a loving r’ship with my gf. So I decided that it’ll pass, it’s nothing, and I’ll get over it. But as the days went by, the feelings grew and grew! And no matter what I did, I couldn’t stop it from growing!

I tried to distance myself from N, and reduced our time together to the extent of from a frequency of a few times a week, to around once in a couple of months. I tried ignoring her even when we did meet up and rather focused more of my attention on the younger niece, i.e. studies, games. N used to like to confide in me stuff cos she views me more on the same level with her than as an adult to her per se. Like she’d rather tell me her personal stuff and have long conversations with me than with my gf, or the other aunts or her parents. And I decided to cut off all of that and our contact and communication dropped to near zero.

I have been avoiding her for close to 3 yrs now, and I’ve come to realise that, it’s NOT working! In fact, I feel that my feelings for her has grown to a disproportionate size. I constantly find myself thinking bout her throughout the day, and pining to have contact with her. I find myself imagining what it’ll be like to be with her, as a couple. I want to BE with her. I don’t even know why I’m attracted to her. I’m not sexually attracted to her.

Recently, I’ve learnt from her that she’s got numerous suitors in her school, as well as outside of, boys her age, and some abit older. And that is eating me inside out! The jealousy and frustrations are immense. And I know that I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Those boys have more more rights than I to be with her, and I can only ever be her elder, to protect her and to care for her in a purely parental sense.

And my gf and I are at the point where marriage is imminent, and its tearing me inside to have all these thoughts and feelings for N. I’ve sometimes fantasised bout N and I being together and eventually getting married, and ALL the s**t that will materialise such as the objections, rejections, and non-acceptance from the family, and my gf. And I’ve always thought what if we eloped.

However, I’m pretty sure she does not have the same kinda feelings towards me and it’s solely a one way thing. And I’m 100% sure that I’m not a pedo as I have no such feelings and/or sexual feelings to any adolescent girls. The strong feelings that I have are solely for N. and after reading through some of the other similar cases and the responses from others, I am certain that my feelings for her will not wane when she grows older and becomes an adult. This was what I was telling myself when I started liking her when she was around 10. I told myself that she will grow up, and I’ll lose all these feelings.

But no, if anything, they have intensified. And I think even if she has aged to 18 or 21 or above, it’s not gonna matter, and I’ll always be carrying this torch for her, suffering inside, knowing that it’ll never be, and I have to witness her being with someone else, and support them. This is what’s killing me. Even in my sleep I have dreamt of being with her before.

I would VERY much like to stop all these feelings for her so that I can free myself of this mental torture. I hope if there can be any constructive suggestions for further actions that I can take so as to stop my feelings for her. Apologies for my long-winded rantings. Would really appreciate any help.

A therapist would be able to help you a lot more than any of us here, I reckon, but here I try:

Is there a small part of you which hopes or thinks that you might actually get to be with N? Look inside your psyche. The glimmer of hope needs to be shattered. If being with her is not an option and you're sure she doesn't feel the same way about you, tell her your feelings. Her rejection and potential disgust might help you lose your interest. Make sure she respects you enough to keep your secret, though. It's a simple yet risky solution, but it's worth a shot especially since you seem desperate.

A safer potential solution: talking with her virtually and pretending you're a random guy her age from school. Get everything you would like to say to her out of your system, everything that you are too afraid to tell in reality. Let your feelings out and they might stay out, basically.

Well you see intent on this one girl. It would appear to me that it would make logical sense to want to screw all of the girls in your region. You have a very immature mind and to honestly reflect on what your mind wants is probably not a younger girl like this. The mind would probably want to be animated around an age that is fitting for you and what your mind wants, although that is just what your mind wants at the moment. A girl would be turned off by this. I mean seriously, you should be able to ###$ all the girls from 18 up. Now if you cannot do that, why would you think you can target just this one girl, hmm?