Trying to decipher my feelings for a boy*Trigger warning?*

I know this is really long, but i would really appreciate it if you guys would read it and give me your opinion.

So I know love is blind, and it's hard to completely see what's going on sometimes. So I thought i'd ask you guys what you think. Also it's not very often that I get to openly express my feelings for this boy, and it's really cathartic for me.

I'm in love with this boy. He's 16 now, but i've loved him since he was 8(I was 21), although it hasn't been constant until a year ago. When he was 8, my thoughts started to turn sexual. It didn't start that way, but when it did it freaked me out because he was so young. I guess I had more restraint back then because I was able to walk away from it and push it out of my mind.

But then he came back into my life again when he was 11 and the feelings I had for him just came flooding back but a lot stronger.I was less willing to let go of the sexual thoughts, and less able to I guess. I don't want to make it sound as though it was all sexual though, because it wasn't. I loved him a lot.I had been thinking about him nonstop and finally told myself that I needed to walk away again.I remember sitting down and allowing myself to grieve.I cried so hard, but again somehow I found the strength to move on from it.

Fast forward to June of last year.Once again, he comes back into my life. He was 14 at the time. You know how they say third time's a charm? Well this time around, I'm finding it impossible to let him go. It's been a year and five months and I can't shake this kid. I think about him almost every second of the day. I know that the way I think about him could be classified as being "obsessive" but I do love him more than i've ever loved another person. I've never cared for someone the way I care for him and I know that I would do anything for him. I feel like I don't want to live without him. I know that's crazy but it's how I feel. Even if I decided to look passed the fact that he was only 16, I still wouldn't be in a position to be with him, and that breaks my heart.

So what I'm trying to figure out is this. This boy has changed a lot since he was 11, in ways that bother me. i guess it's to be expected because he's 16, and teenagers these days are OUT of control, but I just can't get passed it. He acts extremely arrogant and in a way that makes people hate him. I really feel like he has some sort of mental illness, if I had to guess what he had I would say mania, that's how he acts. I pick up other people's energy a lot and a lot of the times he just seems so manic and out of control. I worry about him a lot.

The thing that I feel conflicted about is that I find myself looking at pictures of him from when he was 11 and wishing he was still that age.Mentally and physically, I was more attracted to him then. Which I guess makes sense because I am a hebephile(though I'm non-exclusive and have been in love with grown men before). I know people grow up and change, but he's changed not in a good way. When he was 11 he was so sweet and innocent. He just had the sweetest personality. I realize that it could be because to me children are so innocent and nice compared to older men and that's why I prefer them..

But it always makes me question my true feelings for this boy. I have always told myself that with him, it's not about his age. That he could be 500 and old and wrinkly or deformed in some way and I would still love him and want to be with him(which I feel is true), but I have to question it when i find myself wishing he was still 11. i feel bad about it and ask myself if i'm just extremely sexually attracted to him and infatuated with him rather than truly being in love with him.

But he really was this amazing person when he was 11. He didn't act like an immature little boy, in fact i feel as though he acted more mature then, and he was really wise and intelligent for his age. I almost feel like someone extremely important to me has died.I feel heartbroken about it and wish all the time that I could go back and be with that boy. I know that would be wrong, but it bothers me that I can't go back and be with him. It's just like..he's gone, and i'll never get him back.

The other part of it, is that i'm a sexual sadist and fantasize a lot about hurting him. The thought of seeing him suffer because of things i'm doing to him turns me on so much.And that weights extremely heavy on my mind and heart because I care about him so much, and if anyone else were to do anything to hurt him, I would be horrified. I am extremely protective of him and would do anything to keep him safe from all the bad things in the world.

So why do I want to hurt him so bad? I even go as far as fantasizing about stabbing him or choking him and watching him die.Even though I know I would instantly regret it because I wouldn't want to lose him. And I don't wanna be the reason for him hurting so much but at the same time I do, and there's a war in my mind about it.It's almost like i can envision people on either side of me playing a game of tug of war with a rope.

Also 90% of the time when I fantasize about him, I imagine the 11 year old version of him. i occasionally imagine the way he looks now, and i am still sexually attracted to him, but not anywhere near the way I was back then.

It all just causes me so much pain for so many reasons. I can't let this boy go. I can't. When i love, i love passionately and unconditionally and there's NOTHING that can come between that. Every time i got my heart broken in the past it nearly ruined me and took forever to finally get over.

i don't know, to get back to the original point of this thread, what do you guys think? Does it sound like I'm just infatuated with him and fooling myself by thinking i'm in love with him? i like to think that I know the difference between the two, and i would fight to the death to prove that i love this boy, but at the same time I'm not the kind of person that takes my own word for it, I like to question everything i feel and get other people's input.

If you didant act on it then that is a good thing. I point out that I am an abused - offender. More about that later. I'll tell you my story throughout this post.

I am not sure why you would find an 11 year old boy sexually attractive. I am new to this sort of thing, but bare with me. My first molestation occurred around this age. But subsequently I fell prey to acts of prostitution at 13 which continued on and off until I was 24. And I can tell you, it has properly messed me up.

The thing that stood out for me about this post is that you suggested he displays mental illness. At 16 I was showing signs of Bipolar Disorder, Depersinalization, Social Phobia and Somataform disorders. So social and mental problems amassed (started binge drinking at 14, am now an alcaholic. Dropped out of high school, withdrew from freinds, am now a loner, 34 and never had a proper relationship).

Matters were made worse by the fact I was gay anyhow. Although social services had been involved whn I was 15, the masculine culture and homophobia (and complete lack of awareness of child abuse, especially of boys) meant that it would have been impossible for me to disclose. So although this stuff had quite clearly ruined my life, I never did know I was abused or that it conntected to so many problems, furthermore it was absorbed into my sexual continuum.

During an alcahol fuelled hypomanic episode I came across some underage (post- pubecent) child abuse images on a file sharing network. I downloaded the lot. Am now in trouble for that. So although it is known that the 'cycle of abuse' in males is not as absolute as once thought, I am victim to that. I do not have a sexual interest in children. When I saw the material I was instantly transported to sexual situations which I only now know cause me such harm. One of the things I would do is watch to see if they had an erection, and I felt vindicated every time they did. It was, for me, a process of noramlizing the abnormal. The worst of it is that in viewing that material, not only did I validate what was happening to them, I simultaneously invalidated what had happened to me. I now have no chance to heal.

Back to you and this lad being metally ill. You are thinking the wrong thoughts. But that does not mean you have to be a monster. So long as you are sure you can control these thoughts (like 200% you would not act on them, even if he threw himself at you). You could be a mentor. Mental health probelms are so often underdiagnosed in males, especially teen boys. If you really think he has such issues you could work to get him to disclose them TO THE RIGHT PERSON. So for all your bad thoughts you might be able to do some good for him? If you do not act on your thoughts and you do something that changes his life for the better then you have done a very good thing.

Would you like to disclose a little more about your attractions to minors? In doing so you might be able to get to identify some issues and move towards a positive life where you have no risk of offending and you are able to fill your life with such satisfaction elsewhere that this becomes a minor issue. You must never act on your impulses, but I guess you know that. But you you also must not allow them to dominate and control your thoughts.

I don't approve of your thoughts, and I approve less of my recent actions. But in offering peace, love and understanding to each other we can both of us live a crime free life and move to living a rich and fulfilling life.

I am here if ever you need to talk.

I'm not sure why I would find an 11 year old boy attractive either. i don't want you to see me as being evil or something. i don't choose to feel the things I feel. But also I appreciate you saying you don't approve of my thoughts. Most people try to tell me to accept it because I'm not acting on them, but to me the thoughts are bad on their own. i don't think I could ever just accept them and be like oh well at least they're only in my head. *shrug*

I'm going through a really hard time right now, because my temptations are really strong and I do fear i'm gonna end up doing something i'll regret. I guess I would be considered an "offender" as well, because I had a relationship with a 13 year old(not the same kid i talked about)when I was 21. It was completely consensual.I just had someone refer to me as being an offender for the first time about a month ago and it was horrifying, because I didn't molest or rape anybody.i'm still friends with the boy, he's 22 now, and last year I sent him a long letter apologizing for having a relationship with him at such a young age, but he told me i didn't need to be.i don't want to hurt a child. I would want it to be consensual, but at the same time there's something alluring about it not being consensual, and that's what i'm scared of.

I understand your battle with being gay, i'm bisexual and it's probably one of the hardest things a person could go through.Granted it was 50% easier for me I guess. lol But still.

So you looked at the child porn and tried to make it okay by telling yourself that they wanted it? Sorry if that's not what you mean, i'm just trying to understand.And why did it prevent you from having a chance to heal?

I'm not 200% sure that I could stop myself from doing something with him.i do think a lot about wanting to help him. Obviously I have my own mental illness and I hate that he's going through it as well. But i don't know..i'm just scared to get too close. But i want to at the same time. I know that one of the symptoms of mania and some other mental illnesses is being in denial about it and refusing to believe there's anything wrong with you. I feel like that's how he would take it if I tried talking to him about it.

I'm trying to understand my attraction to minors myself. I don't completely understand it. But like i said before, I like kids because they're innocent. They haven't been tainted by the world yet. But at the same time, the thought of taking a child's innocence away is something that turns me on. I don't really know why that would be. I know I see myself as having a horrible childhood, even though i wasn't sexually or physically abused, but i was horribly mentally abused.it never wasn't there, ever since i was a little girl and my life has just been miserable. i never was a happy, innocent child. Maybe somewhere subconsciously that has something to do with it. idk, like maybe deep down I'm envious of children who have happy lives so part of me wants to take it away from them like it was taken away from me. idk i don't want to believe that though because i'm not an angry, jealous person. and I don't want children to be unhappy the way I was.

i feel like so much of it is just chemical.i've been an extremely sexual person ever since I was little. And i think because my whole life was negative and painful, that is why the two are connected for me.I'm not sure I even know what it feels like to be truly happy and to have a stable life. I wouldn't even know how to go about creating that.

and thank you for reading my post and responding, it means a lot to me.<3

Hi Dita,

Fistly I did not know that you were a girl until the end of this message! And I do not have time to re-write it so if anything is aimed at a male perspective I apologise.

I do not see you evil at the moment, the past is not forgivable, but the future does not have to be the same. I think that you are brave for seeking support with your thoughts. On one level you do have to live with the thoughts. But there are steps you can take to stop them from controlling or ruining your life. Thought's like these are called 'intrusive thoughts'. They are persistant and distressing and there is an obsessive-compulsive element to them. The more you try to push them away, the more you will be hounded by them. But there is work you can do. But only you can do it.

There are 2 types of talking therapy which could greatly improve your life, and help you get control and stay in control. These are 1. Minfulness based CBT and Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I assume you are in the US, and my understaning is that mandatory reporting laws would prevent you from accessing these types of therapy, is that correct? But if this is the case all is not lost I can reccommend tho highly regarded books -

1. The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dialectical-Beh ... 1572245131

2. The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindful-Way-Thr ... depression

The first book is based on DPT and Mindfulness and can help you recognise thoughts and triggers and learn to manage them. The second is about learining to practice mindfulness. With mindfuness, you train yourself to allow the thoughts to be present, but to not engage with them, just let them be. It includes a guided mindfulness meditation CD, which is very useful. Committing to one or two meditation sessions a day will help you enormously.

I am dissappointed to learn that you had a relationship with a 13 year old. But it troubles me further that you mention that it was 'completely consensual'. A youth of that age cannot consent because they do not understand the consequences of thier actions. I was sexually exploited from the age of 13, and I can't begin to tell you the damage it did. Different people deal with it in different ways, even if he claims he was not hurt by it, you could well have done him severe psychological damage. The law says that under 16's cannot consent to sexual activity with an adult. The reason for this is that it is know to be psychalogically harmful to the child. You must learn to truly believe a young boy cannot give consent, even if he seems to be doing so.

With my own ofending, yes there was an element of telling myself it was OK, the victims were the same age I was and I would look to see if they were aroused, I guess 'they wanted it so I wanted it' was a thought process. But muliple factors fed into it, and I am still very confused about them. Because of the way in which I was sexually exploited, and the lack of any public awareness of the issue I did not know I had been so abused. I did know I was raped that first time, but I had accpted money so it became my fault in my mind. I amassed social and mental health problems from that time, and started binge drinking, eventually becaoming an alcaholic. But I never knew they were all connected. When I gained access to my social services notes I realized that everything was originated at that time. I became withdrawn and secretive, my self esteem crashed, I felt self loathing and feelings of worthlessness and became a loner. Depression and agression manifested themselves. I was extremely confused over my sexuality. Those times were very homophobic, as were my parents. So I had no one to talk to. I belive my emotional devlopment stalled at that age. I think when I came across that material it was like having 'peers'. Boys like me. It was comforting.

But in viewing that stuff I simultaneoulsy validated what happened to them whilst invalidating what happened to me. So I have to live with that now.

You mention taking innocence away. You do understand that is an excremely cruel act of voilence? Something I saw in the research suggested that some people who think like this might need to do so as an act of revenge. I saw the idea that some people who hurt or want to hurt children are projecting thier inner child onto that child, could this apply to you?

I have just seen that you are a girl, So I am now a bit lost! All my research and experiance is of male on male offending. Female paedophiles are quite rare. It also indicates why your 13 yr old was not so damaged. But it is my understanding from the little I have seen about boys who are sexually victimised by females that they can harbour "women issues", I think I saw it suggested that such buys are more likely to become offenders themselves but I might have that wrong.

"I'm not sure I even know what it feels like to be truly happy and to have a stable life. I wouldn't even know how to go about creating that."

Many sex offenders report such feelings. And it seems to be recognised. On the internet sex offender course I have to attend soon they focus on what the call 'the good lives model'. They tackle issues such as depression, mental health, childhood issues, substance misuse, social isolation and all that. Then they help you to build social skills, try to find meaningful employment and/or voulantary work and hobbies, but most of all how to develop meaningful and healthy sex lives and relationships.

So have a think about those two books and have a think about how to build a good life for yourself. You CAN create a good life for yourself and you CAN refrain from offending and you CAN get control over your thoughts. Have a think about what non-sexual things you want in your life, and think about what a healthy loving adult relationship would be like. Write tehm down then you can have a think about how you might get them.

Keep in touch with this forum. I'm happy to help if I can.

Take care of yourself

"The past is not forgivable" Why do you say that? I disagree with that. The only way you can put the past in the past is by forgiving yourself, and others.

I go to a normal therapist, well he specializes in sexual addiction but not anywhere near what I need. Right now i'm trying to get an appointment at this sexual addiction place, but i haven't gotten a call back yet. So that's where I'm at with getting treatment. I've been feeling kind of hopeless lately though because I just feel like i've been waiting and waiting. i did go to a different sexual addiction place a couple months ago, and they turned me away because i've "offended" before and they aren't trained to treat those types of people. That just made me feel even worse about it.idk like, i was feeling so hopeful about it and then I just got turned away. it's really hard feeling like nothing and no one can help. I feel completely alone. Thanks for the links. i've been talked to about dbt before, but i've never gotten into a program. And I love meditating, and i used to meditate but I always get out of the habit of doing it.

I understand what you're saying, but i wouldn't have had a relationship with him if i thought he couldn't handle it psychologically(that is actually one of the reasons i give myself for not starting a relationship with the 16 year old boy, because of his own mental issues. i don't want to make it worse in any way.) obviously it's human nature to make excuses for bad behavior, and it actually really bothers me when i hear pedophiles try to make excuses for what they did, and try to convince themselves that the child wanted it. I would never do that. With that being said, this might make me sound horrible and you might dislike me for it, but trust me when i say he knew what he was doing and he wanted it. I loved him, it wasn't just about sex. In my warped brain, at the time i did think about being with him and marrying him someday. i feel stupid now for feeling that way but it was how I felt.Once again, i am in no way trying to put any sort of blame on him, but he actually hurt me a lot. He broke my heart and caused ME a lot of psychological damage. He was really mean to me, and lied to me a lot. And it didn't matter to him. He enjoyed it. The one thing that bothers me the most is that I used to cry to him and beg him not to be so mean to me, and he would be really cold about it and laugh and tell me not to cry. I know now that he was dealing with a lot in his life, with his parents being extremely controlling, and kids at his school making fun of him, which makes me understand his bad behavior a little more and makes me feel bad because he was dealing with a lot and he didn't need to be dealing with my issues. But I also feel like I helped him some with that after i realized that he just needed love, so that's what i gave him and he stopped acting out all the time. Another thing he told me in his response to me apologizing to him recently, was that i was someone he trusted. i wasn't a negative influence in his life.

How did it invalidate what happened to you? that's the part i'm trying to understand.

Trust me, I know how horrible taking someone's innocence away is. I haven't been locked in a psych ward on three different occasions over the passed year for no reason. i'm extremely suicidal. i hate myself for my thoughts. I don't believe in revenge.I've never been the type of person to take my anger out on other people, so no i don't think that applies to me.

Trust me i am lost too, and i feel horrible because as a female i should be loving and maternal, which the good side of me is. it has been my dream all my life to have kids, especially a boy. the thought of that scares me now though. And i didn't victimize that boy, and he wasn't damaged at all by me.

i have always had a lot of big dreams in life, about getting married and having kids, owning a bakery and a clothing line, and writing books. there's a million things i want to do with my life. But right now in my life it all feels impossible.

Thank you for the advice.<3

Dita,

As someone who lives each day with thoughts that are very inappropriate and sexual, not to mention illegal and unnerving, I can get where you are coming from.

Try not to be too hard on yourself for your thoughts. We all have them off and on, sometimes more on than off.

It takes time and courage to deal with the person in the mirror. I go through it daily.

PM me if you need someone to talk to anytime. Be well, and I find that a daily workout is quite helpful

Thank you <3 I really appreciate that. And thanks for the advice. I try to work out but most of the time I don't feel like I have the energy to do it.