New member posting- POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING

Hello all

Thank you all in advance for reading my post.

I stumbled across this site hoping to find out some inside information for my wife's struggles, and rightly so, I did. But what a tremendous gem of a find.

I am posting in the Paraphilia forum first, although I could have easily posted in the Bi-Polar forum, Sex Abuse forum, Incest forum, Sex Addiction forum, Fetish forum, really, almost anything sex or mental health related.

Like most here, I am no stranger to abuse at every level- sexual, physical, emotional, spiritual. My sexual wires have been crossed and recrossed, disconnected, my neutrals no longer tied together, my hot wires and ground wires touching. Really a mental jigsaw puzzle with pieces added and lost.

Some general information for all of you. Male, 59, married same partner over 30 years. Two adult children, one grandchild. Long time self employed in a business I thoroughly enjoy and always have.

Raised in a violent, alcoholic, Catholic family with one older brother and four sisters. My parents were far too young to be married and have kids, my mom had four kids by age 26. Father was a horror, mom mostly silent. Do you all know the saying about Latino families like this? " Weak father, silent mother, invisible children".

I feel mostly happy to have just survived it all, seems like a feat to be proud of, in a way. There is so much I could say, but it will be a bit rambling and my prose won't be something that might be understood. So let me just say a couple things.

First, I have read almost every post since the beginning on the Abuse and Incest forum, and almost every one on this forum. It took me a couple months of lurking and fitting in time between my work.

The people that post on here seem to be pretty sharp. They may be a mess personally in their own lives, I don't know and won't ever judge. But when I read what they write, I think, wow, very insightful , honest, courageous, heartfelt. I don't impress easily, but here I was impressed.

Next, I like the demand amongst the group for reliable stats. Opinions are just that, opinions, and plenty here know the difference.

The mods are clearly great. They are not afraid to clarify, set the tone, help settle angry posters. This digital communication is poor at carrying nuance, body language, facial reflections.

The horror inflicted on people is unbelievable. Especially kids. And I am part of that subset.

Like a lot of people here, I am obsessed with all things related to abuse, incest, pedophilia. I have been around it and involved with it. I try not to label myself as "this", other than kinky. But I sure learned a lot on this site.

I thinks that's about it for now. I am going back to work. Thank you for your time reading this

Glad you found it here, mrms99.

Sounds like you a had a hell of a time growing up, so congrats on making it in life and surviving the horrors of abuse. Your certainly not alone in any of your interests and fascinations, so make yourself at home.

Thank you for the reply, it makes me feel understood, somewhat anyway. Can anyone understand this $#%^ really?

My upbringing was at times tragic and ugly. As I got older I was able to see it more as farce, the only reason these other people had power over me was because I let them. Households like mine were very common in my circle, we all had tales of bad parenting, and worse.

My carpenter friend used to tease me when he occasionally hired me to help him out on a job- building stairs, elevating, siding, and I would be thinking out what to do next . "We don't pay for head scratching" he would say, mirroring what a boss once told him when he first started. We would laugh together, noting that most of making things work was head scratching.

I remember when I was about 19, being at a friends house, and his sister, who was drunk, pulled me upstairs and wanted me to have sex with her on her parents bed. She was 14. I declined, said you're too young. My friend I was with had no problem saying yes, and I waited downstairs while he screwed her. They both seemed ok with it later as they came back from this activity.

Somewhere between masturbating in front of the babysitter when I was around 6 or 7, and having sex with my brother, having my aunt flash me, watching my parents have sex, having my dad beat the crap out of me, being felt up by relatives, and much much more, my circuits came unglued. Only when I got older did I see how much head scratching I would need.

Anyway, thanks again