Voyeurism, the Sixties 'till Now

Howdy,

I discovered I enjoyed being a voyeur around the age of 12. Since I lived near a California beach, seeing couples kissing became my favorite sport. There was no competition for this activity for a couple decades--it was just me being discovered watching, and then being chased away by bystanders or the couple. I started around 1968 when "free love" was in season.

By the 90's, I saw many more guys who were middle aged and just discovering this hobby. Now oblivious couples were being surrounded by random guys just wanting to watch.

Later I learned that this fetish of mine was an anxiety reducer, which makes sense as dating was intensely painful to me through all of my life. Now I've discovered that my fetish is also part of a larger OCD array: I'm also a hoarder, an apology seeker, and given to angry outbursts over stuff that happened years ago. The need for certainty is paralyzing to me.

This is no small thing, because I haven't been able to work or date successfully for my entire life; I'm currently homeless, friendless, and penniless...I don't even have a dog for company.

i think that part of me is a voyeurist, and an exhibitionist(not sure if there's an official paraphilia for that) but not so much that I feel the need to act on it.

I share the same anxieties that you mentioned..they are extremely debilitating. you should get a dog if you think you'd have the strength to take care of it. I have a dog, and he helps a lot when I'm doing really bad, it's nice to not be completely alone.