Why am I like this?

Hi everyone. I'm 19, soon 20, and addicted to viewing porn. Well, not in the sense of avoiding activities because of it, but in a sense of watching it a lot, and typing in sexual searches very often during the day. Anyway, that's not the root of the problem.

The main issue is that I watched a lot of weird and sick porn during the last 6,7 years, the type that your regular dude would close at the mere sight. And I couldn't care less during that time. But now, when I developed OCD along with anxiety, I look back at the things I've done and can't believe what I've been getting off to. In reality, I'm actually a 'normal' guy, with no evident paraphilic behavior, attracted to girls my own age and older. I had 'vanilla' fantasies before i started watching porn, and I wish I can undone the damage I've caused to my mental health. Trust me, I watched some weeeird stuff (nothing illegal though), and just can't understand how can I be completely 'normal' (let's just say: socially acceptable) without porn, and on the other hand, such a weird, twisted person when I watch porn. I can also masturbate to normal porn, which I do exclusively since year ago without any desire to watch any weird material. But it still haunts me.

How does this behavior develop? I know I grew up in a completely healthy environment, with best parents a child can ask for, lots of friends, never been abused or anything similar. Just how, and why? Why can't I enjoy life I've been given, why did I have to ruin it with porn?

the type that your regular dude would close at the mere sight.

This is an assumption on your part.

Trust me, I watched some weeeird stuff (nothing illegal though)

If it's not illegal, it's not that bad - and probably not that rare.

how can I be completely 'normal' (let's just say: socially acceptable) without porn, and on the other hand, such a weird, twisted person when I watch porn.

This describes at least 75% of men.

I'm afraid if you don't give at least some indication of the depravity of the porn that your viewing, it's very hard to determine how bad your situation is. There are plenty of 'socially acceptable' guys who, behind closed doors, jerk off to torture, murder, necrophilia, bestiality, Japanese cartoon tentacle rape - you name it. Honestly man, I wouldn't worry about it too much if the material your viewing isn't illegal.

Thank you for a really kind reply.

Well, I used to masturbate to shemales, incest, 'golden showers', fake-rape and bestiality. Also, normal porn aroused me equally, maybe little less than the new, weird, stuff I had discovered. I know I watched it occasionally, not for a long time though, once or twice from each category. But it traumatized me in ways beyond imaginable. I just wish I never saw it, but I know I can't undo the damage. I just can't be ok with the stuff I watched. It's really hard.

You need to try and understand why it made you feel that way. If you have no intention of playing out what you saw in the videos, you should be able to lay it to rest and accept that they were just fantasies. If it's still haunting you, there's likely a reason for it somewhere, so do some digging around in that head of yours. Good luck.

Taboo can be very exciting and addictive. Sounds like that's all this is.