Sexual Sadists: Why do we associate pain with love?*TW*

This is a question that I've asked myself a lot. I try to work it out in my brain all the time. Love and pain, generally speaking, are opposites of each other. Love is suppose to feel good, and pain is suppose to feel bad. But for sexual sadists the two are intertwined. Well I guess most people would say sexual sadists don't love(But that's a whole other conversation to be had.)

Perhaps the more appropriate word is sex. Why can't a sexual sadist have sex without pain?

I am constantly looking into my past to try and come up with some sort of reason why my brain works this way. I was never sexually abused that I know of, but I was extremely emotionally abused by my father and uncle. I'm not sure if love has ever been pleasurable for me. It has always hurt. So maybe that has something to do with it. But why? Shouldn't I hate being hurt, and hate hurting others because of what I went through?

I am an extremely sensitive, caring person. I pride myself in my ability to love others like nobody else can. So I know that I am a sexual sadist that has the capacity to love deeply. And I guess that is why I hate myself so much. There is this boy that I'm madly in love with. I have never loved anyone like this before, or cared for someone the way I do him. But I do fantasize about hurting him. The thought of tying him up, hitting him, choking him, and even making him bleed excites me so much. And I have such a hard time trying to grasp why I would want to hurt someone that I love so much. Why I would want to see him genuinely suffer at my hands. The guilt I feel about it is unbearable.

So what do you guys think? I'd love to hear some other people's insight into it. Maybe there's something I'm missing..

Across the board of paraphilias, we associate things with love/sex that we're not supposed to, and the majority of us never find an explanation for it.

When we're talking about behaviours, such as sadism, I personally think there's a good possibility that looking back at childhood experiences during the 'imprinting phase' could reveal some pertinent clues as to why an individual's psyche makes these connections between two very opposite behaviours and emotions.

It's not an easy thing to do on your own though, even if you believe you've got a good memory of that time of your life. A good psychotherapist can help you dig up things that you've never given a second thought to for years or even decades, and can make the penny drop about a lot of behaviour patterns and their origins.

What kind of childhood experiences do you think cause it? And yeah I try so hard to remember things that could have caused it but haven't come up with anyone except being emotionally abused. I'm trying to find a good therapist who can help me, but I haven't been able to find one yet.

Strictly speaking I don’t associate pain with love, as I dislike introducing that term into my sex life. I associate pain with pleasure to the point were it's a necessity. It’s hard to answer your question, as it’s essentially like asking a ‘normal’ person Why can’t you enjoy sex without an orgasm? It’s just the way we like it.

Shouldn't I hate being hurt, and hate hurting others because of what I went through?

There is a growing realm of belief that people can grow reliant on pain for release due to having suffered from it for prolonged periods during early years, almost as a coping mechanism or because it’s been tattooed onto their psyche. But there’s no solid evidence for that, it’s from the same branch that claims that murderers, rapists, kiddie fiddlers etc.. must have had abusive childhoods to be capable to do what they do. That's what society loves doing, making excuses for it's 'freaks'. We’ll never really know.

The thought of tying him up, hitting him, choking him, and even making him bleed excites me so much

Honestly, this isn't uncommon. And very tame, by some standards. Unless you've just left it undetailed for the purpose of your post, a great deal of unsadistic people enjoy bondage/blood play.

I've known I was a sexual sadist since I was a teenager, and without going into detail, my methods of excitement are extreme. But I come from a normal family, was never abused in anyway and I've faced no real trauma. So, like every other paraphernalia, it differs from person to person.

Yeah I suppose I shouldn't use the word love. But for me love and sex go hand in hand. *shrug* idk.
But sometimes I think maybe I can't always tell the difference between love and just sexual attraction to someone. Idk all my emotions are just SO intense.

I feel like the emotional abuse I suffered does play a little part in it but mostly I feel like it's something i was born with. That's what it feels like at least. I didn't have the WORST childhood ever and I was always a sexual person ever since I was a little girl. I remember being around 5 years old and experimenting sexually in the bath. I'm not even sure I should have known anything about sex at that age, but it was just instinctual.

oh, yeah I just left it undetailed. LOL I know without a shadow of a doubt that i'm a sexual sadist. It's something that i'm just coming to terms with though. I guess cause it seems to be getting worse as I get older. But yeah..I have some pretty dark fantasies. I've been having a really hard time lately because I just don't feel like I have control over it. It scares me and I just worry about what could happen if I don't get better control. bdsm and other stuff like that is never enough for me, in fact it bothers me that it's not..real. I hate myself for it, but I don't want to "fake" torture someone. It's just not good enough when I know the person isn't ACTUALLY suffering.

Dita wrote:bdsm and other stuff like that is never enough for me, in fact it bothers me that it's not..real. I hate myself for it, but I don't want to "fake" torture someone. It's just not good enough when I know the person isn't ACTUALLY suffering.

A problem we all face, unfortunately. Well at the very least you know that to literally torture someone is wrong, so as long as you control yourself, you won't fall into any trouble. If you ever find yourself struggling with control, remind yourself how unappealing life behind bars would probably be.

Yeah I do know that it's wrong, and I think of the consequences all the time. idk i'm just in a really bad place right now.

Dita wrote:Yeah I do know that it's wrong, and I think of the consequences all the time. idk i'm just in a really bad place right now.

I'm curious, would you say that you like having these interests, or are they more urges that you can’t control? Because intrusive thoughts are a whole different box of frogs from a paraphernalia.

I like them...that's the problem. I like them, but then it makes me hate myself, and I know I need to get help to control it, but at the same time it makes me feel good. idk they're intrusive thoughts that I like.

-- Fri Oct 17, 2014 7:07 am --

*But that i can't control.

You maybe over thinking this. It's just how you experience you get off, it's not that big a deal - unless you let it become a big deal.