Looking for Support [TW: Rape Fantasies]

i've never used a trigger warning on anything i hope i'm not doing that wrong or whatever...

anyway.

i don't know if i'll find the answers i'm looking for here but even if not i think it'll be good for me to get this sort of thing off my chest. i've never, EVER talked about this specific issue before (i've discussed my fantasies with a friend before but never the specifics of them).

in short, i have a rape fetish. not the kind where it's romance novel style "rape" where the victim ends up enjoying it/getting into it and wants more, the kind that's completely unwanted and violent, and usually with a man as the rapist and woman (or sometimes another man) as the victim. However, I know this isn't super uncommon and i understand there's nothing wrong with that in itself.

the thing is, i've found that i'm equally (and sometimes more greatly) turned on when the victim is a preteen/child. i'll say right here i am NOT attracted to children. sometimes i think that girls preteen-17 are pretty, or attractive in some way, but i think that's more a matter of being attracted to a specific body type that's present in adult women as well.

what it might be is that one of the things i find most arousing within my fantasies is size difference--as in, the attacker being significantly bigger (in physical size as well as endowment) than the victim (this extends the scenarios i've gotten off to into the realm of fantasy, involving non-human attackers such as monsters and even real-world animals). the other, i would guess, is the level of brutality. i'm not necessarily turned on by blood or gore but by the act being violently non-consensual.

this is all a huge source of guilt and shame for me, but i find that i'm not aroused by anything but these fantasies. i'd be fine with them except for the part about the involvement of (completely fictional) children. i would NEVER act out such fantasies, i've never even come close, but i'm terrified of people finding out or not being able to form an intimate relationship as a result of it--again, it's not so much the rape part, but the underage characters part.

hell, i'm even nervous about posting this under a username i've never used before because what if someone somehow realized who i was? still... like i said i want to get this off my chest and maybe figure out how to deal with this.

thanks for reading all this nonsense if you did. i feel like i ramble sometimes.

I don't see anything here to feel guilty or ashamed about.

Fantasies are fantasies, and I see no reason to condemn anyone for theirs no matter what they might be. (Though given my own have occasionally involved raping infants to death, I suppose I would say that. )

What matters is how you treat real people, not what gets you off inside the privacy of your own head, and you've made it quite clear that you don't intend to act on these fantasies, so again I'd say you've got nothing to be ashamed of.

YouthRightsRadical wrote:I don't see anything here to feel guilty or ashamed about.

Fantasies are fantasies, and I see no reason to condemn anyone for theirs no matter what they might be. (Though given my own have occasionally involved raping infants to death, I suppose I would say that. )

What matters is how you treat real people, not what gets you off inside the privacy of your own head, and you've made it quite clear that you don't intend to act on these fantasies, so again I'd say you've got nothing to be ashamed of.

thanks a ton for the kind words~

it means a lot to hear someone say that. for the longest time i've let these sorts of feelings just stew in my own head, and i'm the worst person to ask about my own issues, hah. i picked up the bad habit early in life of just bottling up my emotions, and it makes it really hard for me to talk about just about anything deeply personal, even to my family who's always been incredibly supportive and open-minded.

i think just reading about other peoples' experiences and such is gonna be therapeutic in a way. at least i'll know i'm not alone and that it doesn't make me a terrible person.

I don't know what support or advice I can lend. I have the same desire and fantasy. Its the only thing that I think about it seems. While I have never actually raped a boy before I have done other things sexually with children. Originally it was girls for me. Now and for the last 25 years its been boys I want to rape. Right now I am strong enough control to not act. Having acted though makes it hard to not continue.

You CAN change your thoughts and fantasies, can you not?
For example, when someone who turned me on got married,
I switched my fantasies to single or imaginary guys so as not to lust
after someone's husband.

It's definitely possible. We don't have to be slaves to our imagination
or sink to the lowest possible common denominator. If you let your mind run
amuck, that's where you'll end up.

Put some romance and fun and love in your fantasies and the violent, angry ones
will be displaced eventually.

It's possible rape fantasies are an outlet for anger? Anger and sex are not good bedfellows
in my opinion.

I don't agree with your counsellor that anything that goes on in your mind is OK.
That's where trouble starts.

You’re very similar to me in many respects, except I don’t feel an ounce of shame for my fantasies – because they’re precisely that; fantasies. (Granted I'm a complete sucker for snuff videos, but I’ll not get into that.) Basically, since you have said you have absolutely no intention of acting out what you think, there’s nothing to feel ashamed about, it is, as you say, not uncommon.

Prairie gal wrote:You CAN change your thoughts and fantasies, can you not?
For example, when someone who turned me on got married,
I switched my fantasies to single or imaginary guys so as not to lust
after someone's husband.

It's definitely possible. We don't have to be slaves to our imagination
or sink to the lowest possible common denominator. If you let your mind run
amuck, that's where you'll end up.

Put some romance and fun and love in your fantasies and the violent, angry ones
will be displaced eventually.

It's possible rape fantasies are an outlet for anger? Anger and sex are not good bedfellows
in my opinion.

I don't agree with your counsellor that anything that goes on in your mind is OK.
That's where trouble starts.

Stopping fantasies about a single person is one thing. Completely changing the foundation aspects of your fantasies is entirely different, and no, I don't think you can do that.

i don't have much to say to you guys except thanks for the replies, and for helping me feel better about all this. i'm glad to know that other people understand where i'm coming from and can offer at least supportive words for me.

Hey guys. I found this thread very helpful, since I also started having these kind of "fantasies".
But, in my case, I also have a Strong Ocd/Pure-O, what makes me CONSTANTLY over-analyze it.
I mean, of course I will never act on these thoughts, but, the fact I have them by itself already makes me feel like a f@#$cking monster. I'm not even eating much, I don't feel worthy of living sometimes.
These kind of fantasies are really not rare? I need some kind of piece of mind here. Thanks again.

bobbybobby wrote:Hey guys. I found this thread very helpful, since I also started having these kind of "fantasies".
But, in my case, I also have a Strong Ocd/Pure-O, what makes me CONSTANTLY over-analyze it.
I mean, of course I will never act on these thoughts, but, the fact I have them by itself already makes me feel like a f@#$cking monster. I'm not even eating much, I don't feel worthy of living sometimes.
These kind of fantasies are really not rare? I need some kind of piece of mind here. Thanks again.

I don't think it's as rare as most people think, and I'll bet that it's not anywhere near as rare as you think, being subject to it. You said it yourself:

of course I will never act on these thoughts

So don't worry man, you're not a monster.