What am I?

Hello forums, I'm here to ask you more expierienced people a few questions in hope that you might help me clarify a few things.

My issue is that I'm attracted to very young girls (Ages 10-13) but only sometimes... Most of the time I'm attracted to women of my age (mid 20s) and especially when outside I don't think of children in any sexual way whatsoever. Yet I have these pedophile phases in which I have the strong urge to watch certain material and I feel terrible because of it. I usually stick to drawn material if I really can't stop my urges or force release them on normal porn but the guilt is still eating me up. After a few days these urges suddenly stop and don't come back for sometimes months. But my sexuallity is still anything but stable... Sometimes I get homo erotic fantasies and sometimes I get into perverted stuff like pissing or bestiallity. These things come and go as they please and I never get the feeling of having a normal stable sexuallity. This has been going this way for my whole life so far and it began when I was abused sexually when I was 9 years old. Since then I constantly questioned my sexuallity. You must know that my father is openly gay and left us when he came to terms with himself. A after being abused by a male person, I developed an insane fear of being gay myself alongside an extreme guilt of being a homophobe because of my fear of being gay. You could say I never really knew what my real sexuallity was until I had my first girlfriend and even know I'm still unsure every now and then. Now I know I'm primarily attracted to girls my age but I'm confused and frustrated that I get these phases that haunt me over and over again. I'm already suffering from severe social anxiety and depression, living like a hermit, too afraid to talk with anyone because I'm too afraid of being disliked or stupid. I realize that my fears are irrational and I'm working on them but how am I supposed to work on my sexuallity? Whenever I get into these phases I get depressed and just want to die. It's like whenever I try to crawl out of my ill mind, these things drag me right back in there...

What do you guys think? Just how messed up am I?

How would you descibe someone like me? A sometimes pedophile? A closet pervert?

I would describe you as the classic case of 'heterosexual male'. Your prefer adult women (or, perhaps, females from late adolescence and early adulthood). To experience occasional attraction to, or fantasies about, anything else (e.g. younger females, males) is perfectly normal. Sexuality is not static; we attach labels to it for our convenience of understanding, but such labels present an illusion of stability.

The scant science done on this subject suggests that the vast majority of heterosexual men can become aroused by prepubescent girls. A study in 1995 (Hirschman et al.) found that 89% exhibited significant arousal to prepubescent girls, and 31.5% exhibited arousal to prepubescent girls that equalled or exceeded their arousal to adult women. Arousal can, of course, be related to taboo and should in any case not be conflated with attraction. Nonetheless, if you prefer women but occasionally find yourself attracted to or aroused by girls and/or men, I wouldn't consider you anything other than normal.

I'm sorry to hear about your abuse. It sounds like you're experiencing considerable anxiety about your sexuality, which may or may not be related to the abuse. Either way, have you heard of POCD (Pure OCD)? This is where the patient experiences persistent intrusive thoughts, usually about taboo subjects. Paedophilia and homosexuality are very common worries in POCD cases.

How do you talk about this to anyone without them thinking of you as a weirdo? Hello my name is blah and I sometimes masturbate on little girls, but I'm no pedophile. That hardly makes any sense to me I'm really afraid of talking about this with my psychologist because I have a deep fear of being disliked or misunderstood even towards the people I really should talk about these things. But thank you for the information on POSD anyways, I will make sure to research it.

I was sexually abused at a slightly older age (by another male) and I questioned my sexual orientation for perhaps a decade, before finally realising that I was entirely heterosexual. I would suggest you try your hardest to ignore any impulses to focus on children since you might be destroying the chances of a relatively normal life. As mentioned, although I would dispute his figures, many will be sexually aroused by younger children. It is the rocky road to doom if you fail to grab the opportunities that are there for the taking - an adult relationship. You must know the consequences of being drawn into paedophilia.

The problems with any form of fantasising, of whatever form, using images or anything else, is that it will drive a wedge between yourself and others. Just deal with reality - that is hard enough for most of us at times, without adding more complications. I don't know about the legal question in your particular country, or how you might be liable to problems, but I would suggest you broach the subject with your psychologist before it gets worse.

Speaking from experience. Good luck.

If i did not know better Id say I have made another account in my sleep and posted this. Everything you have wrote I can strongly relate to because I have been through what you are going through. Its horribly confusing, anxiety educing, emotionally draining when you go month without any kind of thought then you wake up one morning and you know its going to be that day those thoughts come back. It is easy for people to say not to feel guilty but as I and even everyone else at some point know it is easier said than done but you are already doing one of the best things you can do which Is what I used to and still do when things get bad, thats turn to a harmless and victimless porn such as drawn images like lolicon.

Provided you only turn to such content when you are at your far end and ready to break you will get through the worst of things. Things do not disappear but they do become easier to handle day to day or month to month. As I said I used to be in the exact position you are in now and in my life the thoughts and fantasies became more and more frequent to an almost constant day to day cycle. This is not to say this will happen to you but it is great you are here trying to get a handle on things now.

You do not need to define yourself sexually, sometimes its better not to. I was never abused s I can never remotely understand what things must be like for you and it is fully understandable to your fear of being gay or towards gay people and I am sure you are aware that this is going to impact you trying to find yourself. Straight people can, have and will happily watch or fantasize about gay experiences but it does not define them from being straight. I myself am pansexual, it took me many many years of finding who I was as a person to be able to say that but I think for you, one issue at a time, you do not have to define yourself now, tomorrow or next year, just be you.

Your mind is not ill and I know you wont think so but I can reassure you it is not. The mind is complex and is not something that can be easily explained just like I have no idea why I find children attractive sexually or otherwise. Deep breath in, this place is the best there is and you will find support here from me and everyone else. You are not messed up, just lost.

Me and everyone else are here to help if we can, listen and talk. From experience, you will get through the never ending cycle. My inbox is open always if you need a talk.

Tulula.

Thanks for the answer "cop this" and "Tululaboo".
For years it had become harder and harder for me to be sexually interessted in the first place. Depression can rob you of your sexual lust pretty effectively and I've been fighting it for 6 years already. Yet I still have the urge to masturbate every day multiple times, and it's not even fun anymore. It's hard to explain having the urge to masturbate even though you're not even in the mood, it's like I have to, otherwise I can't calm down. I have the feeling that the pedophilia is related to a need of pretty much getting harder stuff than before because I'm not able to compansate my lack of libido with normal porn anymore. I've been down the classical route, early exposure to pornographic material, soon normal stuff wasn't enough anymore and it had to be harder and harder, eventually ending up at the biggest taboo of them all, children. Though I see myself only do these things whenever I'm in a really bad depressed phase. In good phases I never seem to have a problem getting turned on by adult women. Hell, I even have a strong MILF fetish... It's just a theory though. Because of the strong shame and self hatred I haven't talked to anyone besides anonymous online people like yourself. And even so, I'm so paranoid in that I only access this forum trough a proxy program called JonDo and only with a username I have never used elsewhere before. I'm afraid that if I don't pull the break here I might get sucked into it without the chance of getting out of it ever again so I'm trying to reduce the masturbation to maybe a couple times a week instead of a couple times a day. Maybe it will help.

You sound just like me, except I am a girl. I really think that this is probably a lot more common it's just that most are too scared/ashamed to talk to anyone about it. I personally think porn itself entices you to look at younger girls, while you're looking at porn a lot of the ads for other sites are of girls who look a good few years younger than 18, and whilst you're in that state of high sexual arousal it makes you just not care and you want to look for vids featuring girls who look underage. Also there are a lot of vids out there featuring girls who look way under 18 but are actually like 20+. But I am just like you I go through these phases, and once the desire is there I can not stop myself. I haven't actually watched any real stuff though, just the vids where the girls are legal but don't look it. And recently found this lolicon stuff. But I then make myself feel sick. I'm like you, I think but I can't be a pedophile because in real life I have no attraction to younger people whatsoever! Sometimes I'll have been watching something and then I'll go out and see a girl that looks that age and I'll just feel so disturbed!
I think it is relatively 'normal'. From what I know a pedophile can only be aroused by children right? It's a sole attraction to kids. So I think that we are probably just standard people who are predominantly attracted to adults. There is a bit more to it with me though but I may make a discussion of my own asking about that. Honestly though my theory is that like 80% of people are just like me and you.

However, I do think that there is the potential with this for it to escalate into something unhealthy. I'm like you with the watching of occasional beasteality and very dirty stuff too. I just end up needing it filthier and filthier. But you're aware of it so thats a good thing. I think we just have to be very self aware, and try as much as possible to steer clear of the dark side.

I feel so guilty even posting that now. I'm never going to indulge in that kind of thing again. I swear. I keep saying that. But I really mean it now. No more. It messes with my head too much. Good luck to you too.