I feel lost ::

It has been many many years since I was on here asking for a listening ear and honestly I was hoping deep down I would not have to come back but things are different now, worse even.

As far back as I care to remember I have always been interested in children, even growing up into my teens I knew I was attracted to children. I thought I was strong back then saying to myself as long as it stays in my head then no harm done and to some extent I was right. I managed to get past many many years thinking like that but as Im sure many are aware it does not stay like that for long.

As time went by my thoughts and fantasies I had while masturbating and having sex became more and more focused upon children. At first it was a simple case of a year or two under the legal age but the more time went on the younger my fantasies became to the point where I ha no "age range" to my fantasies.

I have many many paraphilias that on here I am willing to share but paedophillia is one of the strongest I have. A few years ago I came across a place where people where openly sharing and showing their child porn image which is where I first saw anything real like that. I had been viewing toddler/shota/lolicon for a while before and that was the closest I ever came to the real images.

After that my feelings, fantasies and desires have just grown beyond control to the point where I don't have the will to fight anymore. The thoughts and fantasies have become more frequent and intense. Once a thought starts it stays, I have tried many many things to help restrain my mind but nothing lasts. It helps for a while then everything starts at the beginning again, nothing lasts long term.

There are very few things anymore that get me aroused and yet I am hypersexual, day after day fantasies, thoughts and feelings are floating in my head, my dreams are also becoming more about my paraphillia's. I have nowhere or nobody to turn to anymore. I put on a smile everyday and put on a strong facade when really Im taring myself apart losing the will to fight.

Tulula.

**I may edit this as Im not very good at putting what I want to say into words**

Tulula, I would be happy to be someone that you can talk with. I have been through similar things as far as my age of attraction getting younger and, at times, getting hyper focused. It definitely is true that thoughts and actions are different things, but if your thoughts are bothering you then they aren't OK.

Thank you Jimjustjim. I can say now that I am not ok as of this moment. I know myself that I could never act upon any thought or impulse, I have cared for children before and know nothing would ever happen.

Im not coping to well with the thoughts and fantasies im having. Once they get in my head I cannot get them out so they never leave. I would say sleep is the only peace I get but even dreams are starting to become more about children.

I am bed bound so I can't even go out for a walk, see friends or just step outside to get away things just seem to be beyond my control now Im hoping that being here and talking to others will help me.

Tulula.