am i a pedo?

I have had a long history of obsessive feelings about pedophila ever since i accidentally downloaded CP and was aroused a long time ago. when I was 12. I have continued to masturbate to stories about children and had a psychotic break about it when i was 14. i then i guess buried it for other desires. most of the time i can remember hating and feeling wrong for doing it, and this feeling of terrible anxiety followed by immediate orgasm. I have never felt attracted to a child in real life at any time when i was 16 or above..i never even really thought about it. but i had this obsessive fear very occasionally that i would be attracted to children and i would have intrusive thoughts or obsessions that i did not want. when i think about doing anything to a child now or look at any stories or think about it i become almost panicky and anxiety filled and if i am masturbating i will orgasm. but up until a few weeks ago it had been years since i had really thought about it or done it and i never felt sexually attracted to children i saw or had an erection around children, but the few time i did orgasm it was always with that panicky feeling. i had this random fantasy that i could not stop blaming myself for thinking about and afterwards, i would orgasm and hate myself. I feel like in my heart im not attracted to children, all ive ever wanted is to be with women my own age and have had sucsessfull relationships and sex and i am attracted to them. but i know if i think about it i will orgasm. i dont understand. please help. i would never harm a child. i feel horrible and i have for a long time..

Sounds more like OCD, specifically POCD rather than paedophilia. Maybe you should see a therapist about this?