Coping with pedophilic feelings in a hostile world

I'm a student in a post-grad program at a US university. I do my best to pretend I'm normal around friends and family, and I think I do a good job of it. But lately it hasn't been working so well - I've been breaking down in private, getting angry and nervous every day, pretty close to what might be considered depression.

I'm attracted to young girls, I guess from maybe 9 to 13 or 14 or so. I've never acted on my feelings, and I have no reason to believe I ever would hurt a child; I've never really had an urge to act on my feelings. I just have this attraction, that's all.

The thing is, I could easily cope with it on my own, but for the fact that I'm not at all interested in women (or in men) my own age, or any age other than the range I've indicated above. Not sexually, not even emotionally beyond friendship. My friends and family all think I'm "normal", but they're starting to suspect something's up because I haven't been in a relationship for several years now. An ex-girlfriend asked me if I was gay. I would happily be in a relationship again, but I'm tired of pretending that I'm sexually attracted to women my age. It's a burden, and sex feels like a chore.

I've been coping with this problem by overdrinking. I live alone and am single, so it's easy for me to do that. Of course, drinking is no solution at all, and I've been to AA a couple of times, but it hasn't done a damn thing for me. Sure, being sober is great for my health, but I'm still depressed and stuck in an impossible situation. So what's the point of not drinking? I'm trying to lay off the bottle, but it's difficult when I can't see any hope for my personal life getting better.

Reading this board, I'm sure many of you can relate to what I'm saying. I wanted to ask how other non-offending, law-abiding people who are also pedophiles deal with this problem, because I don't really know what to do about all this. There's no way in hell I can tell my friends and family the truth. They wouldn't understand; there's no way they would.

Also, is it safe to talk to a psychologist about these feelings? I'm going to see a doctor at my university mental health center soon and I didn't know whether to try to get help with this issue there. I know they're sworn to confidence, and since I'm a non-offender, I don't see how I could possibly run into problems just for talking about my feelings. But still, I'm nervous about it.

Anyway, I just need help from someone. I feel like I'm about to fall apart completely. I feel I was cursed at birth - that there's not a ######6 thing I can do about this. Am I right?

Thanks for reading this.

I know how you feel! It was difficult for me too, when I first found out I was a pedophile. When did you first discover that you might be a pedophile because of the thoughts you're having? I remember the first year I 'found out' that I was a pedophile, I tried to deny it and try to fake myself that I was normal and that I wanted a normal relationship. But overtime, I've learned to accept my thoughts. It takes a while, but I'm sure you can get there too.

According to psychologist Kubler-Ross, there are 5 stages of grief. 1) Denial. It sounds like you're done with this stage (since you took the time to post on this site). Also, you said that you're tired of pretending that you're attracted to women your age. So, I think you've realized that you have pedophilic attractions, so your denial is gone. 2) Anger 3) Bargaining 4) Depression. From your post, it seems like you're somewhere in stages 2-4. You're trying to cope. You're possibly confused and now depressed. To me it seems like you don't see any hope for yourself. I think the hardest stages are 2-4. It can take time. You just need to be patient. Just know that your sexual attractions don't define you as a person. Even non-pedophiles have quirks. And for us, pedophilic attractions are our quirks. But that doesn't mean we can't live a normal life. 5) Acceptance. Yes, there will be a time when you truly accept who you are and you can live out a normal life, whether it be single or finding another partner your age.

The thing about talking to a psychologist about this is that in some countries there are mandatory reporting laws. I'm not sure on all the details, but if the psychologist thinks you pose a danger to children, then they have to tell an authority. Also, many psychologists aren't trained to help pedophiles, so try to find one that has some knowledge about non-offending pedophiles.

Good luck!

Hedwig96 wrote:I know how you feel! It was difficult for me too, when I first found out I was a pedophile. When did you first discover that you might be a pedophile because of the thoughts you're having? I remember the first year I 'found out' that I was a pedophile, I tried to deny it and try to fake myself that I was normal and that I wanted a normal relationship. But overtime, I've learned to accept my thoughts. It takes a while, but I'm sure you can get there too.

According to psychologist Kubler-Ross, there are 5 stages of grief. 1) Denial. It sounds like you're done with this stage (since you took the time to post on this site). Also, you said that you're tired of pretending that you're attracted to women your age. So, I think you've realized that you have pedophilic attractions, so your denial is gone. 2) Anger 3) Bargaining 4) Depression. From your post, it seems like you're somewhere in stages 2-4. You're trying to cope. You're possibly confused and now depressed. To me it seems like you don't see any hope for yourself. I think the hardest stages are 2-4. It can take time. You just need to be patient. Just know that your sexual attractions don't define you as a person. Even non-pedophiles have quirks. And for us, pedophilic attractions are our quirks. But that doesn't mean we can't live a normal life. 5) Acceptance. Yes, there will be a time when you truly accept who you are and you can live out a normal life, whether it be single or finding another partner your age.

The thing about talking to a psychologist about this is that in some countries there are mandatory reporting laws. I'm not sure on all the details, but if the psychologist thinks you pose a danger to children, then they have to tell an authority. Also, many psychologists aren't trained to help pedophiles, so try to find one that has some knowledge about non-offending pedophiles.

Good luck!

Thanks for the reply.

I discovered these feelings when I was still very young myself, around 14 or 15, I think. I believe that's normal for people so afflicted. I've gotten through 13+ years without much of a problem, aside from my feelings of self-hatred etc.

I don't know whether there's anything a doctor can do to help me. I live in the US, and here the law is extremely clear about the doctor-patient privilege. As I understand it, a doctor who exposes or reports a patient in a situation not involving imminent danger of a crime would stand to lose his license permanently. Of course, I still don't know what to do... I might test the waters by asking about the doctor's experience in sexual deviancy, without addressing pedophilia specifically. At worst, that would make the doctor suspicious of me, but it seems safe enough to try out. Still, I have to be careful.

As for the acceptance thing, I can't see that ever happening for me. I am tired of pretending to be normal, though, even though I know I have to do it. And I can't imagine this is something that will ever be considered acceptable to bring out to the public, because the great majority of people still don't understand that it's not a choice. Every public debate on this issue seems to begin and end with "they're all sickos, kill them/lock them up forever." No interest in developing more effective treatment procedures or the acceptance of this condition as an involuntary one, both of which would serve to, you know, keep children safer. Well, who the hell would openly seek advice and treatment in this environment???

Sorry, I'm pissed off. Any other advice would be much appreciated.

When I was talking acceptance, I meant that you yourself will at some point in your life accept that your a pedophile. This doesn't mean that the rest of the world will accept pedophiles. But you can still find peace in your heart and mind.

Check your PMs. I sent you one yesterday.

Wouldn't you believe it but I've forgotten my damn password, and I can't even remember what email account it was linked to.

As for the acceptance thing, I figured that's what you meant after I read it again, yes. I didn't even conceive of the possibility that I could accept myself for what I am. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever be able to do that either.

You CAN accept yourself. You haven't done anything wrong; you aren't doing anything wrong. You have feelings that are different than maybe most people (though there are many, many, many youth-attracted adults; far more than are willing to admit it), but that doesn't make you a bad person. Not accepting who you are is going to cause you more grief than knowing that you are a pedophile.

What about those of us who have done something wrong? How are we supposed to accept ourselves? For several years I immersed myself in massive amounts of CP, depicting the abuse suffered by a very large number of children. I had gigabytes of CP, tens of thousands of images. I served over 6 years in federal prison, and am on court supervision for the rest of my life. I have already attempted suicide once, and have thought about it countless more times. I cannot find a way to accept myself as a decent, good person. I know that the constant bombardment of negativity from other inmates did not help. Pedophiles (or cho-mos [child molesters], or baby rapers, or whatever else the other inmates wanted to call people like me) are considered to be the most despicable type of criminals; worse than murderers. I was threatened with violence, and occasionally threatened with death. Being told something over and over for years makes it very difficult to not let it affect you. And because I can’t find a way to accept myself as a good person, I don’t believe others in my life would be able to either, and I am constantly struggling with depression.

tiglathpileser

- No, don't discuss this with the doctor as it could come back to get you in several ways that you may not have though of. For example medical report for employment reasons.

- Surely the most common cause of depression is living a sorry and depressing life? Something to think about...

- What if there is something larger going on here than you are seeing? What if you are the pawn of social forces way beyond your comprehension or control? What if you don't find women attractive because there are no women available to you? You said you could date... but is that so? What if your pedophilic interests are a kind of psychic cover-story for the fact of no available mates? English speaking countries, which I assume you reside in, have the lowest rate of sex: over-all and spontaneous; they have the highest rates of celibacy and sexlessness (less than once a month); and the highest rates of homosexuality. Less than 50 percent of American women marry, and less that 30 of UK women do. You may think you are free to date and pursue women, but are you really? What partner options do you really have? Why after all does society manufacture pedophiles? It's a culvert for excess libidinal forces that have no where to go. Sometimes understanding offers a sort of solstice if nothing else.

4RLM, the first thing that you have to accept is that you did those things. They are a part of you and they are in your past. But that is where they CAN stay, is in your past. Second, you have to look at what you did in a reasonable way: what did you actually do and what didn't you do. Next, you have to think about what good things you HAVE done. A person isn't defined by the worst things that they have done. No matter what bad you might have done that doesn't erase the good things. Finally, you have to accept your desires and thoughts and feelings, if you are still having them. This is the most important thing, because if you deny that they exist you won't do anything to stop yourself before you act out.

rainbowstar wrote:tiglathpileser

- No, don't discuss this with the doctor as it could come back to get you in several ways that you may not have though of. For example medical report for employment reasons.

- Surely the most common cause of depression is living a sorry and depressing life? Something to think about...

- What if there is something larger going on here than you are seeing? What if you are the pawn of social forces way beyond your comprehension or control? What if you don't find women attractive because there are no women available to you? You said you could date... but is that so? What if your pedophilic interests are a kind of psychic cover-story for the fact of no available mates? English speaking countries, which I assume you reside in, have the lowest rate of sex: over-all and spontaneous; they have the highest rates of celibacy and sexlessness (less than once a month); and the highest rates of homosexuality. Less than 50 percent of American women marry, and less that 30 of UK women do. You may think you are free to date and pursue women, but are you really? What partner options do you really have? Why after all does society manufacture pedophiles? It's a culvert for excess libidinal forces that have no where to go. Sometimes understanding offers a sort of solstice if nothing else.

I understand what you're saying, I just don't think these factors apply to me. I just haven't found adult women attractive ever. It's more than just the purely physical, too - also how they act, dress, etc. that really turn me off somehow. I can't explain it. I'm fine being friends with them, but beyond that? No.

I also know for a fact that I've had these feelings, very strongly, since I was a young teenager, and the dating/marriage thing didn't factor back then. In fact, I definitely could date women my age if I felt like it; I'm in a pretty good place in my life and am in fair shape and have a decent enough social life. I also have an ex-girlfriend who would only be too happy to get back with me (but there's no way in hell I'd go back to that.) To make a long story short, my life itself is fine - it's me that's the problem.

As for the doctor thing, I'm not sure how confidentiality could be broken for employment reasons unless I were applying for a job working with children, and I'm definitely not doing that - but I won't tell the doctor anyway. Sort of makes going pointless, in that case, though, doesn't it?

Like 4RLM has said (though I haven't done or been through the things he has) it is hard to think of yourself as a good person when you're constantly being told (or just hearing, in my case) about how horrible pedophiles are, how they should burn in hell, etc. Even though my feelings have always been a secret from others, it still hurts.