How do i feel better about myself

I struggle a lot with how I feel about myself and my depression. When I was a teenager I got into CP pretty heavy. I literally had more images than I knew what to do with. Eventually I got a visit from the FBI (at home with my parents). Afterward I got really depressed (although I had had problems with depression for many years). I spent over a month in near silence. I barely spoke to anyone, even at work (I worked fast food as a shift supervisor). I thought about suicide. Almost a year later I had my first court date, and several hearings later I was sentenced to over 7 years in federal prison for possession and distribution of CP, to be followed by lifetime probation. Shortly after beginning my sentence I attempted suicide, and thought about it more in the following months. Actually, the only two regrets I have about attempting suicide are that my mother was so upset about it, and that I was not successful. Eventually I started to feel better when I started to study law and realized there might be a way to eventually end my probation. I have been out about 2.5 years now and have not been tempted to get back into CP. I see a sex offender therapist 3 times a month. But over the past few months my depression has gotten quite bad. I feel hopeless. I once again see no end in sight for my probation. I have no value for myself. I frequently think about suicide again. A few weeks ago I had a very uncomfortable discussion with my probation officer about it. I hate myself for being a pedophile, and it doesn’t help that I realize there is absolutely no way to change that. I know that I have a lot of good things going for me: a decent/stable job, just bought a brand new car, my parents are supportive, and I’m seeing a therapist. My therapist gives me credit because I actually admit to having sexual feelings toward young girls and discuss them and that I have done well in not masturbating to those thoughts anymore. But I cannot seem to get away from the negativity in my head. I believe I am a horrible person for the way I feel/acted. I don’t believe that any of my positive attributes could ever be enough to make up for me being attracted to children. I have no friends (partly because I am uncomfortable in social situations and partly because I don’t believe anyone would like me if they knew about my pedophilia). I don’t even leave the house much (still live with my parents), although I think it might be beneficial. I would like to have someone in my life to be close to, but I don’t think anyone would care about me once they knew. How can I feel better about myself? How can I get past my negative opinion of myself and actually believe I am a good person and that my life is worth living?

Wow, that was a little longer than I expected. Anyway, if you would rather PM a response than post it here, please do so. Also, you can PM me about some of my experiences if you wish.

It would be unfair if your thread went without any responses. Would you mind saying the ages of the CP involved? The severity of the content? How old were you?
Because for all we know you were a 15 year old that got caught up in the LS era. These factors are critical in understanding your situation.
I used to know someone who actually molested a 2 year old. He got 18 months. That should illustrate how you got screwed.
In my context there is no abuse, so in the unlikely chance I have legal difficulties I would never have any regrets over its prevention of tendencies that could get me in trouble with women of all ages, which has precedent.

The images I had depicted girls as young as infants and as old as early teens, but was concentrated around the ages of 4-9, and the content ranged from just nudity to full hardcore porn. At one point in court the prosecution pointed out the sheer size and completeness of my collection. Where the FBI database may have had a few images from a collection, I had a complete set. Like I said, I was into it pretty heavy. At the time the FBI showed up, I was 19.

As far as me getting screwed, I actually got the low end of the recommended sentence range (which was 87 to 108 months – I got 87), and if I were to be sentenced for that offense today, I would likely be looking at the statutory maximum of 20 years. But I do understand your point. I would have actually gotten less time if I had crossed state lines to have sex with a 12 year old than I did for my CP (11 years or younger would have been more time). It does seem really ass backwards.

But, to get back to my original post, I truly hate myself for what I am. I can see redeeming qualities in myself, but don’t believe they could even come close to compensating for how I think about children. I guess I am just trying to find a way to feel better about myself, and to get out from under some of my depression.

In my example my dreams started out at 15 with having sex with 11-14 year olds every month or so, but in the last few years that seems to have been replaced by dreams of searching for jailbait. That should illustrate the degree to which my internal concept of sexuality doesn't even consider adults, nor does it now even consider actual people, though I frequently find myself thinking of myself as the new Ariel Castro when awake. I never had the opportunity to have sex with anyone, so I don't have to worry about it.
Originally the whole idea was a bit disturbing but my life experience of girls of that age range, magnified by what people say ought to happen to me, really didn't give me any reason to sympathize with them. Actually it provided closure to an event where all the teenagers that didn't fit in were persecuted after the Columbine massacre, and it's similarities to pedophilia are astounding. And with what games people are playing now, Total Annihilation or Red Alert doesn't really qualify as "violent."
I don't think you're a legitimate pedophile because you care too much about what other people think. Furthermore a legitimate pedophile would have mostly legal images, although with the "completeness" of your collection that may have been implied. A real pedophile would consider his fantasies of children the most valuable things he has, and would never give them up. Either you liked the idea of abuse or the whole illegality of all of it.

Well.... to be frank, nowhere in your post did you say you've ever actually hurt a child, and it doesn't really sound like you would. Isn't that a win in itself? There are much worse people in this world, serial rapists and murderers, genocidal maniacs, and some of them actually find a way to justify their actions and accept themselves. So why can't you, whose crime is nowhere in the same league as that, accept yourself as well?

Also remember that life is in constant flux. Literally anything could happen, pigs could literally start flying, you never know (it's admittedly not likely that pigs will fly). There are actually theories that anything that CAN happen WILL happen, so just think of the possibilities. It's not static, but it is beautiful, and everything - absolutely EVERYTHING - is a piece of this awesome amazing puzzle, even your pedophilia. You just need some perspective, damn it!

You should never feel ashamed for you are. You're capable of great things, as is everyone. But before you can do these things, you need to accept yourself. You need to see who you are for your strengths and weaknesses. You need to play to your strengths, and embrace your weaknesses. You only get one "you." You can't change the past but the future is yours for the taking.

Best,
Your Fellow Human Being

are you exclusive?

i don't think you should feel bad about the amount of porn you collected,
because i know alot of non pedophiles, who have massive collections of legal porn so it's kind of a normal thing to collect porn,

and you served your time for the crime, you didn't hurt anyone that's the main part

there is nothing wrong or shameful about being a pedophile this is how were born and we cant change that, as long as we dont act on our urges we there is no reason for us to be sorry or feel bad about ourselves

we are in an impossible situation especially people who are exclusive because humans are sexual beings and to combat that and stay away from any kind of porn or sexual outlet(non pornographic images) is damn near impossible, i bet you anything that is they made all sex and porn illegal tomorrow damn near everyone would be going to jail with in a month,

i dont think you should feel bad about yourself because it sounds like your a pretty normal person in a crazy messed up world and you have the presence of mind to know your attractions but you refrain from physically acting on them because it may harm another person

that already makes you a great person because this world is full of people who hurt others for personal gain all the time, and your not like them at all

I am sorry, but I differ on this. As long as there is a demand for such photographs or videos, those kids will get hurt.

now im not saying im for child porn here im just pointing out a fallacy


as long as the person is not paying, asking, trading, or contributing to ad revenue for them, or helping them get money any other way, then he's not building a demand for them

they make the reverse argument for people downloading music, movies and games illegally saying that
the people who make the media arent getting paid for what they produce, it's the whole reason the digital millennium rights act was put into place , because piracy was destroying the demand for them in the general markets because people were getting them for free

on the other hand people who are paying, asking, trading, or contributing to ad revenue for them, or helping them get money any other way, are building a demand and are directly funding the harm of children

In regard to you saying that you are afraid to make friends because you think they will hate you; don't be afraid to try and make friends. A while ago, I told my best friend that I was a pedo and for some reason she really didn't care. If you have a nice friend who respects you for who you are, they wont care what your attractions are. This probably isn't always the case, but there are a lot of people out there that really do think that all people are equal and think that all people deserve some respect. Don't focus on what people will think of you based on your crimes or sexuality or whatever, try to focus more on how people perceive you as a person and as an individual.. the people who try to spend their whole lives alienating "bad" people aren't worth knowing anyway. It's probably different for you because your life is ..much.. different than mine but still, there are a lot of people out there who are really accepting of these things.