Help?

I hate women, mainly because I "think" all women are "insert desired euphemism for male genitalia" hungry sluts--me being the only exception. This has been my mindset from as far back as I can remember, and has recently become one of the chief contributors to all things stressful in my life. I started masturbating when I was about 9 and my fantasies always involved women or young girls being brutally raped, humiliated and degraded by a multitude of boys and men, animals, phallically equipped women, others. On the other hand, I also hate men. I've wanted to be a boy since I was very young, it wasn't just a tomboy phase, I really wanted to be a boy, or, more accurately, to have a penis. I guess my hatred of men stems from penis envy. I'm bisexual. The sexual aspect of every relationship I've been through has been a lie. I can't get aroused or achieve orgasm unless I'm imagining my partner in some incarnation of a scenario listed above, or unless my partner and I are engaging in some type of physical/emotional sadomasochism, nonconsensual role play, etc. I do and say subtle things that are intended to humiliate and degrade my partner because it excites me, even if they don’t pick up on it, or it’s perceived differently. It doesn't have to be necessarily sexual either, for instance, if my partner is in any type of visible emotional or physical distress caused by anything from accidentally cutting a finger to the loss of a pet I have to feign empathy when all it makes me feel is either arousal or indifference. Any sexual history involving males my female partners may have had always makes me insanely angry and jealous, but I need to know, need them to reaffirm how much of a repulsively dirty slut they are. Inside, I’m holding it against them, getting violent and telling them exactly what they are, picturing the sex and twisting it into something they'd consider ugly, even if it was the total opposite, inside, I'm getting sexual gratification from doing all these things and plan on getting sexual gratification from using these visuals during some sexual situation or through a role played reenactment of my version. Outside, I'm collected and an attentive conversationalist. It's just a bit maddening having to say and do what I’ve been told is appropriate when all I want do is the opposite. Actually, I can apply this to all of my interactions, the whole faking appropriate responses thing. I've just about mastered it because I've always been prompted by therapists and the like, though the occasional slip up still occurs. Anyway, I'm in this relationship now and it kind of bothers me that this girl is a slut because I might have genuine feelings or whatever for her, or maybe just adore her willingness to indulge my every whim, to do anything that would sexually sate me. Now a few questions: Why? Is there hope for me? What's wrong with me, if anything? Can it be changed or, at the very least, somehow subdued? Any insight or feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

It sounds like it starts with the hate. Why did you start hating them? Are you jealous?

What kinds of examples of sexual behavior did you see as a child? I mean, everything from mom and dad kissing in the kitchen to dirty movies. This started somewhere, and you'll have to trace it's beginnings to unravel your problem.