Living with Paedophilia

Sean, I hope you know that I am not giving anyone an "out" nor am I saying that all victims become abusers. I am just trying to understand where this all begins. I wonder if it's a genetic abnormality.

BLueRibbon, you are quite young. I hope that you don't think there's a steep drop-off in sexual urges after the age of 25 or so because that simply isn't true. Your hormones are quite strong for a very, very long time. In fact, the more you rationalize, the more dangerous your desires become. How long have you been living with pedophilia so far? It must be less than 10 years since your age moved far enough ahead of the children you desire for there to be a recognizeable, disturbing disparity. So, you are facing around 50 more years of fighting your desires. At your age, you think you are completely in control, but I implore you to seek assistance from a professional.

Have you considered chemical (or even surgical) castration? If not, why? Women who find out they have the genetic predisposition for breast cancer get full mastectomies long before there are any indications they have the disease. Why not take the drastic measures needed to ensure the safety of those around you as well as ensuring your freedom from a prison sentence should you slip... even one time?

Define "huge prevalence rate" for me in relation to the widespread occurence of pedophilia, please. Literature I've found suggests that they make up about 4% of the population. I suppose that is good news for sociopaths since that is the same percentage they make up... Sean, get rid of the ASPD forum... it's no longer a disorder since 4% is HUGE!

But, seriously... I could not be more sincere in my appeal to you to get professional help. I control my urges by masturbation, too. But, we all know that it's not the same thing and doesn't satisfy our desires... it only defers them temporarily. You are actually at higher risk of offending because of your rationalizations.

[NOTE: Looks like a database error happened here. I reponded to an original post by Akeraios and while I'm not sure what happened, the original post is gone and mine seems to have replaced his. In any case, this post is authored by seanetal]

Akeraios wrote:I do understand how the dissemination of child porn can be hurtful to the victim, but what I don't get is how an individual act of viewing a picture has any effect on her or him. When an abuser makes a picture of his abuse of a child, he can choose not to distribute those pictures or only among a small circle. If the victim knows about the existence of said pictures, (s)he could get worked up that scores and scores of paedophiles are viewing them, but he wouldn't know how many - whether it's twenty, a thousand, a million, or zero viewers. And that's why in such a situation I would try not to let thoughts of those pictures affect me.

Easiest way to explain it is to give you an example of my own life. Every time someone looks at me, I have the thought "do they know, did they see the pictures?" Of course it has faded over time, and it will continue to fade I hope, but there are still times when someone's gaze lingers a bit too long that those thoughts pop into my head. I was 5 when those pictures were taken, I am 37 now... but those thoughts still hang there making me remember the abuse. As a result of the abuse I hated cameras most of my life and in almost every picture you will see me partially hidden or turned away from the camera in an attempt to protect myself. It's something many survivors of sexual abuse deal with.

Akeraios wrote:Surgery is usually done with the certainty that the condition to be treated poses an appreciable health risk and that, based on medical science, the operation will help towards reduction of the risk. Therapy is something completely different. When you're with your therapist, you don't lie down on his sofa and passively wait for him to cure you. I would argue that the success of therapy is determined for the most part by the patient himself rather than by the therapist. And I fail to understand why in some cases a sufficiently insightful person cannot diagnose his own condition, assess his own risk to others, and develop his own ways of reducing those if necessary.

I still say self help can only take things to a certain point. You need to talk with someone who has experience treating these issues to really be safe.

seanetal wrote:Most single incident child sexual abuse takes place at the hands of "opportunistic abusers" according to some stats I've read (I can not locate the original source but I believe it was 65% of reported incidents). However that same site reported that paedophiles have on average over 100 victims before they are caught and stopped.

Akeraios wrote:According to these numbers, 35 of every 100 abusers are paedophiles who make an average of 100 victims each and 65 are situational offenders with 1 victim each. The 100 abusers make a total of 3565 victims. So for every 3565 victims there are 35 paedophile offenders. That's a ration of approximately 100:1.

There should have been a clarification in there. The repeat offenders have 100+ victims, "opportunistic abusers" tend to be caught after a small number of victims. Of course it is my belief that many of the repeat offenders start out as opportunistic abusers so the whole point is likely muddied - I can't recall from my past readings what the relationships there were.

Akeraios wrote:Why is it automatically assumed that I'm part of the 8%? I much prefer to be one of the remaining 92%, if you don't mind. Or do you think that the 92% of paedophiles who haven't abused, haven't done so because they've all sought professional help? I doubt that.

It hasn't been assumed that you are in the 8% anywhere that I have seen here.[/b]

Chickadee,

You can't "cure" someone of who they're attracted to. Castration is a brutal method and I will not allow myself to be mutilated simply because people who don't know me think I'm dangerous. My parents allowed my brother's 13 year old friend (they know that I think he's attractive) to come on vacation with us. They have accepted the fact that I am not the type of person who molests children and they know me better than anyone on this board. Psychiatrists can make a lot of money by selling drugs (such as chemical castratants) to people, but it doesn't mean that they're beneficial for the patient or people around the patient.

If I ever feel that I'm dangerous to children, then I'll do something to prevent myself from acting, but I know the difference between thought and action. The majority of people on this planet don't know the difference.

The number of people who are attracted to children is significantly higher than 4%. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pedophilia ... occurrence

"You are actually at higher risk of offending because of your rationalizations."

I'm not rationalizationing sex with children, I'm explaining that no attraction can be stereotyped.

You might just need some help the coming decades with your life. No sex and, more importantly, no intimate relationship is going to be very difficult, even if you think now that you can cope with that. You will be lonely at times, there will be people who are going to ask questions and make suggestions about your (lack of) romantic interests. Your life will likely be very different from other peoples life and that by itself will make it difficult. I think you could use some help once in while.

Alright, I hadn't seen this forum nor this topic until now. So now that I've found it, I'll offer up my story, but I'll try not to make it too drawn out.

This has been my central issue for about the last six years or so. I'm now 21. I don't know where it began or why, and that's what's been so agonizing. My childhood was fine, other than some emotional abuse from my older sister, and seeing my family fight. I had no sexual abuse that I know of. But all of a sudden at around 15 I disovered my attraction and it snowballed from there. And to make things clear, my attraction is to the very young, down to toddler-aged. And in case anybody reads that and thinks of lashing out at me, realize I don't need it.

This has never been a serious problem for me, by which I mean it's been very sparingly present in my life. And I have never so much as touched a young girl in an inappropriate manner, nor will I ever. But the thought is always there. When I'm around young girls, especially if I find them arousing, the thoughts always cross my mind. And it doesn't go away. So it makes me uncomfortable and awkward around children in general.

---

About 8 months ago I started dating a girl and it developed into my first relationship. I was 21 and she was 17. She was somebody I knew in high school, and my attraction to her (and the age difference) had nothing to do with my issue. Shortly into the relationship I found out that she had been severely sexually abused as a child. I should also mention here that she also has a younger sister, around 8 years old, that I was attracted to.

To my own astonishment (and hers), about 2 1/2 months into the relationship I decided to tell her about my attraction to young girls. I won't explain why I did this just for the sake of keeping this short. But believe it or not, she took a few days to let it sink in and didn't put a bullet in my head. Over the next week or so our relationship fell apart, partly due to my issue, and partly due to her admitting she had cheated on me a couple weeks prior to this. But it didn't happen right away, and we had some pretty major conversations over that week's time.

I could write a whole post probably twice this length just talking about one conversation I had with her in my car that week, in which she told me (in tears) more about her abuse as a child while indicting me for my issue. But rather than go into depth about that, I'll tell you all what I learned from that experience and in the months since. But it deserves its own post (for those who see a post six paragraphs long and decide to skip it), so please read below.

(continued from above)

Here's what I learned. Children are innocent. This is something anybody can say and "know", but it's something you truly have to feel to understand. I'd always "known" children were innocent, but never saw it with my own eyes or felt it with my own heart, I only knew it intellectually. It wasn't until I had my ex-girlfriend in tears, opening up to me about her abuse and indicting me, that things started to click. And later that night I was in tears myself, apologizing. Children are innocent and trusting. And abusing a child, especially sexually, shatters that innocence and jades them for life. That abuse will always be a part of them, at the very least on a subconscious level.

Awhile after the fallout with my ex, I made the decision to seek professional help. I saw a psychiatrist for assessment and then a therapist for approximately ten sessions. The basis for it was to troubleshoot my issue, and more specifically, to find the root of it, but I was there for other unrelated issues as well. I can't say I learned a lot from the therapy, but I can say I gained from it. Because when all was said and done, within a span of about two months, I went from not a single soul knowing about my issue to four people knowing about it, two of whom I was very close to. I had now told (in order) my girlfriend (at the time), my mother, a psychiatrist, and a therapist. Getting this issue "out there"--out of my head and into the open--has made a huge difference for me. Not only hearing myself say the words, but talking about it, expressing the feelings that I'd suppressed for so long, and seeing the reaction (mostly support) it got out of those I told.

My first piece of advice to those suffering with this issue would be to tell somebody--preferrably somebody close to you--about your issue and stop internalizing it. Just choose carefully who you tell. My second piece of advice would be to talk to a victim of sexual abuse, get them to truly open up to you about their experiences, and then take some time and let their words sink in. And finally, my third piece of advice is something I learned from the psychiatrist I spoke with. If you have healthy, normal attractions to adults, re-inforce that. The more you re-inforce the healthy attractions, the less the unhealthy ones become necessary or present.

I'm not over my issue 100%, but where I was eight months ago and where I am now are two totally different worlds for me. I can see the innocence in children now, and feel empathy for those that have been abused, and am genuinely sickened by it. And I will never act on my compulsion even if it does become present sometime in the future. It's about will power and resolve.

And finally, my message to those not affected by this issue, but who may by chance be reading. Not everybody affected by this issue is a sick, twisted person. I'm an honest, good-natured, hard-working, alcohol and drug free, well-raised, and intelligent person. I have no enemies. Anybody I've ever been associated with will tell you I'm a good person, even my ex-girlfriend. So don't be quick to judge those affected by this mental condition.

Monographic,

Thanks for sharing your story. I wish you well, and hope that should you ever get activated again, you seek professional help. I suspect that being able to have "heard" what sexual abuse does to someone, you have a better understanding of what your thoughts, should they have turned to actions, can do to someone else. Good luck!

It's not a matter of being "activated" or "deactivated". As far as I know, or as far as I've learned, the only way to be "deactivated" is through some kind of rigorous treatment to, in a way, trick your brain into no longer being aroused by the stimuli. I'm not sure what it's called, but one example of that would be where they negatively reinforce the stimulation through rapid production of images while associating them with a fowl smell or something. I've considered doing this, but personally (and with my other issues as well), I feel much better about myself and a greater sense of empowerment if I can conquer it or manage it by my own will power, rather than having to essentially be brainwashed.

The unhealthy thoughts will most likely never go away entirely, unless I did opt for specific treatment. It's not something you turn on and off like a light switch, it's a physical attraction at a basic level. And that's what should be undestood. We don't choose to have this attraction. I didn't one day decide "I'm attracted to children", and likewise I can't one day decide "I'm not attracted to children anymore". That's why I said it's all about will power and resolve. Through what I've learned over the last few months and what I've experienced, I now have enough intellectual and emotional tools to help me fight any possible temptation the thoughts could give me. And if I EVER doubt my ability to fight them, I will seek treatment. And thanks for the well wishes.

Female pedo reporting.

I'm physically attracted to boys below the age of puberty exclusively. My physical attraction for men and females is almost non-existent. I am not attracted to the fact that mentally boys are immature and 'innocent' (stupid). I have this bizarre emotional attraction to mature men yet the thought of a sexual relationship repulses me. I don't think that sex with kids is alright but I think about it a lot. That's why I'm here.

I just wanted to join here to look for 'help' even though it doesn't look like the other pedophiles are getting any. It looks to me like every pedophile is just defending the way they were born while people just take stabs at them. What the hell- we're actually looking for help. You know, there are so many sites I could go to where pedos congregate, we could all pat eachother on the back and talk about how to molest kids but I'm here instead.

uhhh monographic1, did you skim through the contents of this thread? An admin apparently got somebody vanned. I hope you're using tor...

ilikeegg wrote:Female pedo reporting.
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uhhh monographic1, did you skim through the contents of this thread? An admin apparently got somebody vanned. I hope you're using tor...

We do not ban people because this is what they suffer from, it's not just targetted at this particular forum, it's anywhere. Anyone who breaks the rules, gets warned by either a moderator or the admin himself and continues to go against the rules will be banned.

Anyone who does something illegal in any forums will be reported and banned, so as long as you or anyone else is not doing anything against the law or against the rules of Psych forums then they have nothing to worry about.