The evolution of my sexuality *TRIGGER WARNING*

So I thought I'd tell a little bit of my story and how my sexual interests have changed over time...

The first sexual experience I had was when I was around 9-years-old with my younger cousin who was probably around 3 or 4 at the time. In many ways it was kind of innocent childs play because both of us didn't really have a full idea of what we were doing. We both fully consented and seemed to receive pleasure from it. Since we didn't really know much about sex, all we knew how to do was perform oral sex on each other, and both of us were quite enthusiastic about it. This only happened a handful of times and after a while we both kind of lost interest in the whole thing.

Finally, when I was around 12 or 13 I began fantasizing about older guys and girls, even at times masturbating over the thought of one of my teachers molesting me. It sort of turned into an obsession after a while, and I started going on chat rooms advertising myself as a young boy seeking an older sexual partner. At the age of 14 I ended up finding a guy online who was in his thirties and lived near me, so we met up for a sexual encounter. Most of what we did involved kissing, touching, and oral. I remember not enjoying all that much and after this encounter I actually felt sort of "dirty" in a way. Needless to say, I never went back for seconds. Instead, over time I took more and more interest in younger girls (and some boys) ranging from 7-11 years old. I managed to come across CP a few times and was disturbed by how much I liked it (I haven't gone near the stuff since). I also had a few girlfriends my own age at the time, so I knew from the very beginning that I wasn't exclusively attracted to young children.

At the age of 16 another big change occurred in my life. My Dad, who was adopted, found his birth father online, so we traveled from Utah to California to meet him and his two kids that he had from his ex-wife. One of his kids was a 15-year-old girl, my Dad's biological half-sister, who I ended up falling in love with. She was having problems in her family life so she ended up coming to stay with us in Utah for about a year or so. We pursued a secret relationship the entire time, with only a few close friends knowing about our situation. I lost my virginity to her and we developed a very strong connection. We ended up getting discovered one day when my Mom walked in on us in bed together naked. This was effectively the end of our relationship, and my first true heartbreak.

Ever since then I've come to recognize that I'm a non-exclusive pedophile. I also have an appeal to the idea of incest, though I've never been particularly attracted to anyone in my family (with my Dad's half-sister being the exception). I've been with plenty of girls my own age and older, mostly just in sexual flings though. Sometimes I wonder if I was sexually abused as a child and I've managed to repress it, considering that I developed an interest in sex and paraphilias from a very early age.

Anyways, just though I'd share my story and see what you guys think... I'm open to hearing any insight from you all that any of you might have to offer...

So nobody has anything to say about this? Might as well delete it mods.

have you tried contact the 'sister' since then ?

I never did the playing doctor thing but I'm fascinated with other people's experience.

Can you remember how it came about? Was it part of some make believe game? Or did you kind of say "I wonder what you look like naked?"

What constitutes oral sex? Did you put your penis actually in her mouth or did she just kind of kiss it? Did either of you reach orgasms?

I'd really appreciate knowing.

You do not have to be a victim of abuse to be inclined to the thoughts of incest, children or other but thats not to say you have not. I myself was never abused and yet I share the same topics as you. And like you it developed in my at an early age and as far back as I can remember I knew.

I found it quite sad that you lost the person you love after being found out. I can only imagine that must have been hard for you but to some extent I can understand because I had a similar relationship with my cousin who still to this day have strong feelings for.

It does sound that these topics seem to hold you back from committed relationships, as you say most have been flings. It is a huge shock when you stumble upon child porn for the first time but more shocking to find that you are not entirely thrown back by it. Its not something that leaves you in my experience.

Im not exactly good with wording things correctly but it is unknown as to why people such as myself are the way we are when there seems to be nothing that could encourage or enforce why we like and enjoy what we do and I do not think we or I will ever find out to why, we are who we are just because it is us. I have spent many years tearing myself to the brink of suicide trying to piece together why I am like the way I am, I just don't know.

I have speaking to someone here who has given me a lot to think about and the one part I took away is to try and accept the person you are and know you are not a terrible person, as hard as it may seem, as hard as it is me to do.Anyway enough rambling on. I hope you find the answers/insight you are looking for.

Know that people are here if you need them, PM box is always open.

Tulula.