finally accepting my sadism and ALL my fantasies ***TW***

Well, yeah. I've been working on accepting my paraphilias/fetishes. I said that sadism was the hardest part to accept, due to the highly immoral and mean fantasies I have. Here I am, I'm accepting it. There is no point in hating myself for the fantasies I have. They're just fantasies, and I'm beginning to write them down. They don't scare me anymore and I can control them. I got more and more sadist, but it's not freaking me out. I went further with my fantasies....

*WARNING, graphic description, do not highlight the text below if you feel like you might be triggered/disturbed by sadistic fantasies*
I actually feel excited and extremely aroused fantasizing about thinking of A. (13 year old girl I am attracted to) laying unconscious and consuming her blood, basically I picture myself taking her blood while she's about to die, and deflowering her after death, all in a typical sadistic way. Not going to add more. Just so you know that this is the meanest fantasy I've ever had so far but I'm accepting it and even wrote some kind of poem about it

But I'm accepting myself. I know I am an a**hole for my fantasies of course, but it's just all in my head, it's just fantasies. Thinking about those things in real life makes me sick. I would never hurt someone in real life, I'll never stop repeating this to others and to myself.
So now I am feeling better in my life because of that. Of course my paraphilias create me problems and will forever, because it's hard having such fantasies and knowing you can't just act on them. Especially for us sexual sadists, violent fantasies can be a challenge, it's a battle we need to win.

A list of my paraphilias/fetishes for those who don't know

Pedophilia
Sexual sadism (not BDSM!) + Biastophilia (not sure if this can be included in sadism though, or if it's a separate thing, but I put them together as in my case they're closely related)
Hematolagnia (aka blood fetish) - not always sexual though
Syringe and drug fetish

I accepted them, I acknowledge I can't change them nor fight against them, I can only fight to keep them in my head without acting out. An invite to you all: you can accept yourself as it makes you feel better, but NEVER act on your fantasies if they're illegal and/or could harm someone. Accepting yourself does not mean you will be allowed to act on your fantasies.

I’m very glad for you, because you have found inner peace. I spent two years achieving inner peace with help of my mother, philosophy, science, but you made it faster.

I can't say that the process of self-acceptance is complete, but I'm trying.

Good for you!

Although how is calling yourself an asshole accepting yourself for your fantasies?

skeleton-countess wrote:Good for you!

Although how is calling yourself an asshole accepting yourself for your fantasies?

because my fantasies never get sweeter, they only get more violent, now to the point that I have now destroyed the line separating life and death.
If you read the hidden part of the OP, well, that's one of the most violent ones so far, and it's getting even more violent as I elaborate it better, but it's fine, really.
I call myself names all the time, so....just a way to deal with anger, I guess.

Im so happy to hear that.
Recently, I've reached quite the breakthrough. I don't really have a name for what I like, so I just call them my fantasies. I don't even know if they're under a certain -philia. But, my fantasy is that I want to see a violent male on young male(age 12-17) rape. I like to imagine the young guy get roughed up a bit (kicked, punched, etc) then ultimately thrown to the ground and raped. I like the humiliation aspect of it, the fact that the male who was raped is humiliated and has a hard time getting over the situation turns me on. And the actual act of course.
I recently told my friends about it and after finding out that they have similar fantasies I haven't been downing myself for it so much anymore. It's just something I feel like any of them or anyone else who keeps them under wraps. To me, fantasies are like a**holes, everyone's got one no matter how sick or cruel they might be. I don't necessarily feel like I was born with it, but regardless, I've felt it since the age of 12 or 13 so I've been living with it for this long (I'm 19 now :p) I should be able to accept it. Before I would try to suppress it, but I feel like that only made it worse almost like shaking a soda bottle, the pressure builds up so much it eventually EXPLODES.
Point is, I'm glad to see someone else "embracing" (not even sure if thats the right word) their fantasies and -philia's. It's a powerful thing when you decide to be confident in yourself after so many years of self-loathing

ElKahn wrote:I accepted them, I acknowledge I can't change them nor fight against them, I can only fight to keep them in my head without acting out. An invite to you all: you can accept yourself as it makes you feel better, but NEVER act on your fantasies if they're illegal and/or could harm someone. Accepting yourself does not mean you will be allowed to act on your fantasies.

This is good, very good, the answer to many unhappy wishes. I don't think I can change or fight against mine, either, other than by keeping them in my head. And keeping them in my head can mean more than just not acting them out (as mine don't lend themselves to acting them out anyway). They could impact other people in a variety of ways beyond just by victimizing them.

I spent a lot of years trying really hard to make them go away. It never worked. I spent a further few years feeling bad about that "failure" (though the trying and the giving up sort of go back and forth). It really doesn't look like it's possible, and feeling like you have to do something impossible is a pretty good example of a total crazymaking dead end.

Nice declaration, ElKahn.

The people that know me best, know me as a strong, sweet, loving girl. Wise beyond my years. Im really trying to understand and accept this sadistic part of me. I dont like this part of me and i feel really ###$ in the head for my sexual arrousal for things like pedophilia, incest, rape, torture, and complete control and domination over another being. Im a sexy redheaded woman, charismatic, intelligent, passionate, full of love and compassion. I can have pretty much any man I want. I have the most questioning mind out of everyone i personally know. Ive never physically or mentally harmed another human being intentionally. I think its awful to hear about animal abuse, when i go home though I have in the past tortured my poor little cat. I dont do anything to permanently hurt him because I wouldn't want to get caught, but i get off on controlling him and doing ###$ up things to him. Afterwards, I feel awful and try to hug him and love him, and I know it's just ###$ up. I feel so sick in the head because i really live a moral life and try to make the world a better place. Ive never even shoplifted or stole anything from anyone ever. I guess i pray on my cat because no one will ever find out, im trying to find him a new home because i really dont want to do this to him but something just overcomes me and it gives me such satisfaction from hurting and controlling him. I have rape fantasies with me being the rapist. When I watch a movie or read a story of a rape victim or pedophilia I get ridiculously turned on. I know it's sick. I would never act on my urges because I truly don't want to permanently hurt someone. I wasn't always like this though. I'm not even sure if it's important to figure out why I am the way I am even though I believe I know why I'm this way. if I share why I believe I am this way, it'll for sure turn you sick fellow sadist on lol. I guess I just want to find a way to accept this as part of who I am and find comfort in knowing I'm not the only who has these ###$ up tendencies.
Id also like to add that i love affection like kissing and cuddling and with partners, i get pleasure from pleasing. I love to make others happy and i just find it wierd to have complete polar opposites of pleasure.
I'm a good person and constantly think how my actions and words affect others. I'm very amiable but I'm also aware of my dark side. Please no comments on how ###$ up I am, I already know. . I'm just looking for a little support.
Is it just animalistic nature to have these thoughts?

kaykay89 wrote:The people that know me best, know me as a strong, sweet, loving girl. Wise beyond my years. Im really trying to understand and accept this sadistic part of me. I dont like this part of me and i feel really ###$ in the head for my sexual arrousal for things like pedophilia, incest, rape, torture, and complete control and domination over another being. Im a sexy redheaded woman, charismatic, intelligent, passionate, full of love and compassion. I can have pretty much any man I want. I have the most questioning mind out of everyone i personally know. Ive never physically or mentally harmed another human being intentionally. I think its awful to hear about animal abuse, when i go home though I have in the past tortured my poor little cat. I dont do anything to permanently hurt him because I wouldn't want to get caught, but i get off on controlling him and doing ###$ up things to him. Afterwards, I feel awful and try to hug him and love him, and I know it's just ###$ up. I feel so sick in the head because i really live a moral life and try to make the world a better place. Ive never even shoplifted or stole anything from anyone ever. I guess i pray on my cat because no one will ever find out, im trying to find him a new home because i really dont want to do this to him but something just overcomes me and it gives me such satisfaction from hurting and controlling him. I have rape fantasies with me being the rapist. When I watch a movie or read a story of a rape victim or pedophilia I get ridiculously turned on. I know it's sick. I would never act on my urges because I truly don't want to permanently hurt someone. I wasn't always like this though. I'm not even sure if it's important to figure out why I am the way I am even though I believe I know why I'm this way. if I share why I believe I am this way, it'll for sure turn you sick fellow sadist on lol. I guess I just want to find a way to accept this as part of who I am and find comfort in knowing I'm not the only who has these ###$ up tendencies.
Id also like to add that i love affection like kissing and cuddling and with partners, i get pleasure from pleasing. I love to make others happy and i just find it wierd to have complete polar opposites of pleasure.
I'm a good person and constantly think how my actions and words affect others. I'm very amiable but I'm also aware of my dark side. Please no comments on how ###$ up I am, I already know. . I'm just looking for a little support.
Is it just animalistic nature to have these thoughts?

This sounds like a mirror image of my character in ways. I too am a normal joe to all but my sexual depravity has no limits , the more evil and sick , the more it excites me. It's not a fetish for bdsm or anything like it. It's not even just fantasy, which is the aspect of it all that worries me from time to time. I try to do an armchair analysis of why I think like I do . All I ever come up with ,is maybe it is because I went through a period of being bullied in school when I was young or maybe it's because of my unloving relationship I have had with my mother .

I'm 37 years old now and it does effect my life in ways because i question who or what I am for real.

It can vary from watching porn where women hurt and kill animals to chatting to random pervs under an alias about how I'd enjoy torturing children etc, it's just fookin mad .

I have a g/f and kids (whom I'd never harm in reality) . My sex life with my g/f is nearly non existent , she just doesn't even turn me on because of her bland (normal) mindset when it comes to sex. I am bisexual in a way, I have had sex with trannys for example.

Just keep in mind that fantasy and thoughts are not reality. If you aren't doing something that it hurting someone (or is illegal) then you still "moral". Your thoughts don't mean anything, it is only if you act on those thoughts.