Embracing solitude

So to start off, I joined a few years ago and posted a few times and then quit because I was pretending nothing was wrong anymore. I don't really want to label myself with words that have negative connotations but I'm a 21 year old male that is exclusively attracted to boys. Age range... well between 8 and 10 I would say are cute and fun to be around but not attractive physically. 11 to 14 is when both emotional and physical attraction are in perfect harmony while older teens are hot but have very little emotional appeal. There are a few people, mostly family, that know about this and have miraculously treated me no differently. I had planned suicide for the end of summer of 2011 but thats a different story for a different day. Back to the topic at hand, my friends have no idea what kind of struggle I go through. No one asks why I'm not in a relationship because they just think I'm a regular gay guy but also one that hates to be touched, and doesn't want a relationship at all because I prefer to be alone and live my life for myself. This is of course a lie, I'm not single because I choose to be.

I can't tell my friends when I'm having a bad day when I've seen a stunningly attractive boy and then faced with the shattering reminder of how inappropriate it would be to even start up a conversation. Some days at work there are a multitude of boys and you can't even look for too long for fear of someone catching you. I have a strong moral fibre, I know right from wrong and I have made an unbreakable conviction to never act on my desires but the question I'm asking to all exclusives out there: how does one live their life happily when one of their basic, innate human desires is denied of them?

A few days are good, most are just frustrating. Every time I see people holding hands, watch a movie where romance is flaunted in your face or even hearing my best friends talk about their current boyfriends (I only have female friends)... It gets me down and reminds me how much of a freak I am.

qo612 wrote: I'm asking to all exclusives out there: how does one live their life happily when one of their basic, innate human desires is denied of them?

A few days are good, most are just frustrating. Every time I see people holding hands, watch a movie where romance is flaunted in your face or even hearing my best friends talk about their current boyfriends (I only have female friends)... It gets me down and reminds me how much of a freak I am.

Hmmm, good question here.
How does an exclusive live their life happily? Well, I'm an exclusive. I don't live a happy life, but this is for many reasons, not just exclusive pedophilia.
I am still finding the answers for this. I guess you have to focus on other things in life in order to feel better. Do what you like to do, your hobbies, interests, whatever. Just don't think too much about your exclusiveness. I am struggling with this. I think I'm even trying to see if I can change and be a non-exclusive. Well, it only looks like a waste of time and energy.
Accepting who you are is a good step you can take to live a better life.

I totally understand the romance in our faces and friends talking about boyfriends, it happens to me too. Just be strong and try not to think too hard about that.

I am struggling with the same problem, I wish I had an answer for both of us and for all the exclusives struggling with themselves.

I'm exclusive too, still trying to figure out what I want from my life, as I'm pretty young still. I'm not sure yet if there's the possibility of a really happy life without being able to act on my desires. I sure hope there is.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with this it makes me sad when I remember I'll be struggling with this kind of thing probably for the rest of my life.

The only way I cope with it is I really try to not think about it too much. I know that I'm not cut out for those "normal relationships", so I'm not jealous of other people's relationships, mainly the fact that they can have their desired relationships and I can't have mine. I try to frame my exclusiveness as a good thing, and tell myself that while all my friends have relationship issues, I won't ever need to deal with that. And I tell myself I'm proud of who I am. Your exclusiveness doesn't have to be your worst enemy, I guess.

Thanks for the replies, I know it's not exactly an easy question with one set answer. Elkhan, I also think self acceptence and focusing on interests are good places to start for the long road ahead. I've only been dealing with this for 5 years, the ones who've remained virtuous for 10, 20, 30 years...they deserve a medal.

Skeleton-countess, I really like your point of other people having relationship issues while we are exempt from that. I think about that sometimes and it offers me brief moments of relief, until I remember that stupid saying "twas better to have loved and lost blah blah blah"

Its also puzzling to me how these paraphilias develop... are some people inevitably destined to be aroused by corpses, by blood and violence, by animals or by children? If these desires are so unnatural, why are they possible at all? Are we chosen to live a life of restraint to prove we are worthy of some great reward in the afterlife? So many questions, so many theories. I just really wish I knew why I feel this way.

I think about that sometimes and it offers me brief moments of relief, until I remember that stupid saying "twas better to have loved and lost blah blah blah"

You just have to learn to convince yourself otherwise, I guess. I repeat it to myself a lot to remind me.

If these desires are so unnatural, why are they possible at all? Are we chosen to live a life of restraint to prove we are worthy of some great reward in the afterlife? So many questions, so many theories. I just really wish I knew why I feel this way.

I don't believe in any kind of afterlife, plus, I don't want to think of any god making us this way just to torture us.
I don't think our desires are unnatural or impossible. Lots of people are genetically predisposed to traits that seem unnatural and not advantageous from an evolutionary perspective. Think of genetic diseases. It wouldn't be advantageous for anyone to have a genetic disease, yet no one tries to tell them that their disease is unnatural.
Plus, the mechanism of evolution depends on variation in our population, and the existence of many variations of specific traits. If everyone was the same, there would be no competition and no genes would be selected for. So it's natural to have these kinds of variation. And genes don't always go away just because they aren't advantageous. In the distant past, my parents would've married me off, and I would be forced to have children. So sexual minorities would still have children because of social pressures.

So I don't understand why some people try to use the natural selection argument to convince me that paraphilias are unnatural.
That's my take on the whole "unnatural" thing.

Stay strong, accept who you are, do a little campaigning (safely) to remind society pedophiles are human beings with feelings, keep hold onto your dreams, but don't feel stuck with your sexuality because you feel so condemned. Society has much to learn about sexuality and abuse, I promise you that. Look after yourself, and don't hide away from children like I have. If you stay away from them you will feel even more isolated. I am not saying "find" children, I am saying don't feel bad when they are around you. By touching them isn't going to cause them harm, unless you create a sexual situation.
One thing that's always annoyed me, is when people say "If he touched my kid, I will kill him". No, touch is good, and children are being denied affection now due to the hysteria. A society that thinks it great to cut the genitals of boys, is far from being sexually civilized and liberated.

Last word: don't call yourself "mentally ill", because you may not be. Gay people were called ill just a few years ago, and still are in certain places. You have basic human rights to live your life in peace, but there are nasty people out there who want to destroy you. Do NOT give them the satisfaction, because they are the immoral ones.

Just a few random thoughts of encouragement, and remember, many are living this difficult life with you.

I quote what Enickma and skeleton countess said, can't add more to that, both great posts.

The fact that we won't have all those relationship problems and drama helps me a lot, so keep that in mind if it can help you too.