out of prison...now what?!?!?!

Ok people this is my first post..please be kind, im terrified about writing this. Ive pm'd a guy on here the other day (his issues are not paedophile/sexual related) and he didnt judge at all... Please be like him.

Ok so ive recently been released from prison for downloading images of children. It was really hard digesting the fact that i was a criminal and going to prison as i would never knowingly hurt anyone. Anyway this has ruined my life..i lost good friends and a great job. Now after serving 15months i have nothing. People hate me, and i habe little hope.

My problem is that im still very much attracted to children (boys more specificaly) i cant shake the attraction...people im around now like my parents beleive i just made a mistake and am focusing my attraction towards men, and yes i do like men but prefer boys. I struggle because. I think to myself..everybody hates me..everybody thinks im garbage..there never going to think any better of me, can they think any worse of me?? and then that makes.me think well why should i try to refocus my attractions if im still going to be. hated. Ok i never want to go to prison again so not breaking he law again is easy, but thoughs are not illegal last time i checked.

So my options are to supress my feelings for boys to please people who will always hate me. Or not supress my feelings which makes me happy at the end of the day - but people would hate me if they knew i still liked boys.

HELP! please any thoughs...ths realy is torture.

Btw im in my 20's and from uk.

Hi, uk# --

Sorry you are having such a rough time. I hope you find things going better and better. Going to prison for this must have been just horrible. You have my sympathy.

Other people aren't entitled to find out what your thoughts are. We each get to be gatekeeper on our own minds. I think what we find attractive is more like a thing that happens to us, it isn't a choice we make.

We do have to be careful that we aren't harming anybody else. If you've already bumped up against this boundary then you know all about this of course. But I think if you proceed through life without hurting anybody, nobody can take this success away from you and you don't owe any apologies. What is to be your measure of success? Getting people who will always hate you to like you doesn't sound like that's it. Figuring out what will hurt people, and not doing it, would be a perfectly good one.

This experience you have had is a big deal in life, and it's no surprise that who your friends are might shift. It's a good time to re-evaluate who you can count on.

Keep us posted on how you are doing, and hang in there. It probably doesn't have to get any worse, right?

Society has cheated you. You were imprisoned but people who steal millions roam free. Move away to somewhere where you are not tempted to think of boys. Keep yourself busy.

Thank you for your replies so far.
Unfortunetly not thinking about boys isnt and option, pedodildo. ive tried this before and it makes me very aggitated.

Mayapple mentioned that my thoughts are my own..be your own gatekeep so to speak whch makes sense..in response to mayapple askingin a way what i want or time to reevaluate....i really want to be in a healthy adult relationship where my partner acceots the attractions i have will never go away. I have disclosed to potential bf's in the past but ive told them that my thoughts for boys are no more which seems to make it easier for the to accept that ive been to prison and that it wont happen again...but even that is a lie because i miss out the part where i still am sexually aroused by kids.i long for a partner where i can talk freely about my feelings and him still loving me just as much.

Does such a dream bf exist??

Yes. It's possible to have a partner you can be completely honest with. You just end up running into eachother on accident most of the time.

uk9988 wrote:....i long for a partner where i can talk freely about my feelings and him still loving me just as much.

Does such a dream bf exist??

Yeah. Good question.

I think it would be great to have a partner with whom I could share everything including whatever paraphilias we may have. I don't. I have a partner with whom I share some things, but not this.

I would say there are two possibilities that are worth exploring, two acceptable places in life to wind up at. One is a partner with whom one can totally share. The other is a partner with whom one can be happy, but not totally open.

It's asking a lot of a partner, to be an ideal match in every single way. My own perspective is middle aged, gradually getting closer to "old". I need a financial partner, and somebody to drive me home from the hospital, and somebody who tracks grandkids birthdays, and somebody with whom trotting out the Christmas decorations and getting the tree up works pretty smoothly now because we've done it almost thirty times already.

So, yeah, it would be nice to be able to share. But it's not too bad the way it is. My partner isn't much of a hiker, either. Some things, I have to get from somebody different, that's all.