my sex drive is killing me

Okay seriously. If it weren't for college I would take so many meds I'd be walking around like a zombie unable to think properly, unable to have fantasies, unable to obsess! I'm so sick of it now, God, I feel like my brain's about to explode. How is it possible that sex is all I think about? And it's sex with that specific little girl, all my fantasies revolve around her, other little girls also appear in my fantasies but not as much as her. She is literally killing me without doing anything. I'm so thankful she lives relatively far from me, I couldn't imagine knowing her in person and seeing her often....
But I'm going mad, really. Anger, frustration is all I feel. I am so frustrated and desperate that apparently I'm starting to have sexual fantasies about the only little girl I like who was completely out of it because of my feelings for her. And what's worse is that she lives in my town and I know her. My God.

Will it ever end?

I don't know how to make it end, but hang in there!

*internet hugs*

ElKahn wrote:Okay seriously. If it weren't for college I would take so many meds I'd be walking around like a zombie unable to think properly, unable to have fantasies, unable to obsess! I'm so sick of it now, God, I feel like my brain's about to explode. How is it possible that sex is all I think about? And it's sex with that specific little girl, all my fantasies revolve around her, other little girls also appear in my fantasies but not as much as her. She is literally killing me without doing anything. I'm so thankful she lives relatively far from me, I couldn't imagine knowing her in person and seeing her often....
But I'm going mad, really. Anger, frustration is all I feel. I am so frustrated and desperate that apparently I'm starting to have sexual fantasies about the only little girl I like who was completely out of it because of my feelings for her. And what's worse is that she lives in my town and I know her. My God.

Will it ever end?

Explore what it is about her that has such a hold over you? Is it her face? Her body? Both?

skeleton-countess wrote:I don't know how to make it end, but hang in there!

*internet hugs*

Yeah I need to find a solution for this soon
*internet hugs to you too*

KevinG31 wrote:Explore what it is about her that has such a hold over you? Is it her face? Her body? Both?

Everything! Her face, her body, her hobbies, her way of talking (not her voice though as I never heard her speak...just through text messages), her personality....
But well considering only physical appearance....I'd say just...all of her.

Hi ElKahn,

I've been reading up on this forum today and I just wanted to let you know I'm reading. It sounds like things are escalating for you lately. Your tone is a bit different from before and there is an urgency and a desperation in what you're writing that is worrying on a very basic level: you sound like you're in pain and you sound like you really need a professional to talk to. A fear of offending aside, I believe you could use some proper help for yourself.

I read in your journal thread about you being considered for bipolar disorder. Manic periods can lower inhibitions and many report being less able to control their sexual impulses in regards to making wise decisions. It might be good for you to look into this aspect of it all with your therapist if you're able, so that you are able to stay safe even if your inhibitions are lowered, with the amount of sex drive you are writing about normally.

You talked about your own "treatment" re overloading yourself with paraphilic material, simply put. Are you still doing this? It seems like you are in more distress and have a sense of urgency about your desires you didn't display as strongly before and I was just wondering if maybe that was contributing to it.

I'm thinking of you.

Hi lifelongthing....

There are moments when I feel like going crazy, but later the situation seems to go back to normal. Now that college started again I am sure things will slightly improve as I am going to have other things to think about, so my mind will not be constantly focused on fantasies.

It's true that things are escalating and I have weird behaviors. I stare in empty space too often and today I experienced some kind of derealization.
I feel disconnected and depression is taking over, but my ideas about respecting children and not wanting to harm anyone has not changed.

Sorry but I don't trust the so-called professionals. They think they know it all but this is not true and misconceptions about paraphilias are too strong in this professional world.
I wouldn't talk about my paraphilias and fantasies anyway. Too hard to do this face-to-face and telling a stranger scares me, no matter how professional they are.

My own treatment contributed to make fantasies less violent and less intense. It worked.
It was not paraphilic material...just gore stories.
Just like my mood can change, even my perception of myself can change. One day I hate myself, the other I feel like I am God. It's confusing and yeah I suspect I am bipolar.
I will definitely talk about it to my therapist. I had already told her but now I will be more specific as I analyzed myself in a more complete way.
Professionals here just don't help and they do not diagnose. It sucks. I have to do it all alone and I trust myself more than I trust these people. I am an expert in psychiatry, not saying this to brag but they could give me their own place....I'd deserve it more.

I'm glad to hear you feel things are going to be better now ElKahn, in the end all I want is for you to stay safe and have a better daily life than what you are describing here because I believe you deserve good things

I just want to add / say (as I also experience the same thing) the worst thing really is if you have too much time or nothing to do. An idle mind is the devil's workshop. I found that if i was on holiday from work or had lots of days off and basically spent it at home in my room on the computer/net thinking about her, looking at her, fantasizing etc, then it only got worse. But if you somehow manage to find more to do in your day, ie work, hobbies, friends/go out, travel, or set goals of something you need to work at to attain/achieve ....it seems to help a lot because you are not spending lots of time and energy anymore just thinking about her. I found that when I'm working or meeting other people, I don't spend as much time in my fantasies. That's why I actually dread holidays and I ask my workplace to give me less days off lol.

guest0929 wrote:I just want to add / say (as I also experience the same thing) the worst thing really is if you have too much time or nothing to do. An idle mind is the devil's workshop. I found that if i was on holiday from work or had lots of days off and basically spent it at home in my room on the computer/net thinking about her, looking at her, fantasizing etc, then it only got worse. But if you somehow manage to find more to do in your day, ie work, hobbies, friends/go out, travel, or set goals of something you need to work at to attain/achieve ....it seems to help a lot because you are not spending lots of time and energy anymore just thinking about her. I found that when I'm working or meeting other people, I don't spend as much time in my fantasies. That's why I actually dread holidays and I ask my workplace to give me less days off lol.

I agree with this, fantasies get weaker when I'm real busy, but they never disappear.