Brother? TRIGGER WARNING!!

Hello,
(Please read through my post, I’m sorry it’s so long & I'm not too sure where I should post this)

I’m worried about my brother’s behavior, although I doubt worried is the right word… concerned about what he could become and what might be wrong with him. He is 23 years old (6 years older than me), lives over 800 miles away from home due to his job, however he’s Skype my parents every night. I could just be over thinking but it would help if you could give me your opinions, in case he should get professional help.

****** TRIGGER WARNING ************

I’ll start with his behavior, I know that a lot of people are comfortable to talk to family about sex, porn that kind of stuff, however my brother seems to not understand boundaries, he tend to go into a lot of explicit detail about porn & sex… He can’t go through five minute without mentioning sex, he’s completely obsessed with anything sexual. If you bring up any female celebrity he’ll go on about if they are hot, if he’d bang them, and say oh every guy would if not then there is something wrong with them or are they gay, he’s really forceful about it, aggressive if you disagree as if you Must to think the exact same… Bringing up any girl the only thing he will care about is if she’s fit, he’ll ask me if my friends are if I mention any… If you go on about anything it will brought back down to sex or hot girls… Whenever he’d on Skype, well even in person with his girlfriend he’ll grope and touch her up in front of us, which is highly uncomfortable, my parents have a go at him all the time about it but he’ll never listen and just carries on. He watched porn constantly too, anything will porn, nudity, sex and control, usually some sick horror movies to do with sex and torture.

Every girlfriend he’s ever had from the age of 13/14 he’s cheated on. He has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for about 6/7 years although last Christmas they had a couple months’ separations because he cheated on her with my other brother’s fiancee (4 years younger than him), he went out with her briefly, while sleeping around with other girls, cheating on her with his (now) girlfriend, chatting up a bunch of girls over the internet to try to sleep with including one of my friends (same age as me). He got back with her, she moved in with him and as a moving in present he got a box full of sex toys… he doesn't give much of $#%^ about his girlfriend, he’ll always put her down, take anything out on her, he checks other girls out right in front of her, she doesn't have any self-esteem and he just can’t help but to check out girls, no matter age or anything like that as long as to him they are hot, he probably would chat up a lot too if he could, but he doesn't/ can’t go out much so he’ll just watch porn.

When I was between 8 and 10 (for sure) he sexually abused me, he would have been old enough to know what he was doing (14 to 16), it happened several times, which I’m dealing with at the moment so I don’t if anything else happened before then or after but that’s what I know for sure. I don’t know why, if it was for a sexual touch & satisfaction, for control, or something more too why he did it to me (attraction or something?). He’s always been over protective over me like any brother, however he seems a possessive, he tries to manipulate me, while growing up, he’d say if I liked boys or ever did anything with a boy then I’d just a dirty whore/slut (this was before, during and after what he did to me), he wouldn't let guys near me, none of his friends were allowed to say a single word about me, not a joke of any kind, they were all scared (he is very aggressive). He’d pick fault with anyone I liked or went out with, my parents and family have always kept him from knowing anything, I went out with a lad who never understood the word no, so I broke up with him, I told my mother’s about it but no one would tell him about it because of his reaction, other things have happened similar and every one still won’t tell him about it. He’s always manipulated my brother to get in trouble, and he’ll try to manipulate me, I went away from year during the world cup (I was 14, however I developed early and was already a D cup) which meant a lot of the older lads wouldn't realize my age, he spent the whole holiday watching out for anyone, almost threatening any guy who looked at me… there was never swimwear in my size that would cover up and be secure, so I’d have to have a bikini which would be rather revealing, he spent the whole holiday having a go at my mother about it, saying that it’s too revealing, he’d get nasty about it, really have a go at her, saying how dare she let me wear anything like it, he’d get so worked up about it. He’s always been very hands on while I was growing up, play fighting with me, tackling me to the ground and not letting me get back up (finally stopped this year), when I was younger I couldn't swim, he was helping me learn when I was 8, my parents took photographs of us playing around in the pool, there was one which looked really wrong (it was me and him – it was totally innocent), he said it looked wrong and requested it be deleted however last year, he still had the photograph on a CD of photo’s (I didn't see anything else in there – it was the only one I clicked on) so I destroyed it. Now he’ll often give me rather strange compliments, often out of content, nothing sexual but I guess a little off, he’ll say stuff like “that photo doesn't do you justice.” “You deserve better than cheap stuff” just little simple stuff which just doesn't sound right especially from him.

I’m in a relationship now, last year my family went on a weekend away, it was the first time they met, my brother wouldn't let us be near each other, he kept trying to get in middle, I understand he isn't use to it but it was insanely obvious. I’m really insecure about myself, especially when it comes to girls, so he shows my boyfriend picture of nude girls, starts saying he’ll take my boyfriend to strip clubs and goes on and on about women, brings up hot girls asking him for his opinion on them (my boyfriend doesn't look, and knows about everything) even though I told him how insecure I am. He then kept going on about my ex’s to make my boyfriend feel uncomfortable. He keeps telling me that if my boyfriend thinks he’d untouchable then he’ll teach him lesson, saying he was going to fame him by putting child pornography on there, suggesting that my boyfriends might look at that stuff, he tried to manipulate us, always telling me that my boyfriend is liar when I know for sure he isn't (we share everything). When we went away me and boyfriend where playing around, I had a drink and my boyfriend held the straw to try to get to see hard I can suck, my brother was watching, the look on his face he was transfixed, he liked it by the look of it, which was frightening, I hadn't ever since him so transfixed on anything like that all my life..

Last year when he visited, we had a BBQ, when it was hot, my cousin went in the pool, he sat there just watching them in the pool it was creepy, he wasn't joining much in conversation which was weird just watching them. He’s always been hands on and friendly with children, nothing too strange, but that day really worries me.

He’s completely obsessed with sex, anything porn related, he seems to have some kind of controlling issues with me (also some in general), and I’m worried about the way he acts, he seem to have no boundaries, he understand that it’s no appropriate no matter what we say or do…

I’m sorry for the long paragraph, I know there are other things I've missed out on, but that’s all off the top of my head, if I get anyone’s opinion, it would really helpful thanks! Would you say there could be more to his behavior? That he could hurt someone? That he needs help?

FoxForrest x

There's no maybe or could. He already has, according to your account. He's threatened to hurt other people. This looks like more a matter for the criminal justice system, since that personality type isn't the sort that will actually take part in therapy voluntarily.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I think you already knew.

Hi There,

It's quite a complex and hard to follow account with so much going on.

But it certainly seems like he needs some sort of help at the very least.

As for doing things to you when you were young and he was still technically a child himself then that is depending on what happened and how something that is quite common in families between siblings, more than people actually realise.

Yes I agree he was old enough to know what he was doing but in the laws eyes was still a child himself and I imagine the prospect of a conviction for something where there is no physical evidence other than your word against his is fairly low. That's not to say you should not report him as that is totally your call. If you are worried that he is or could be abusing someone else then you should report it but only if you are sure about it, as wrongful accusations stick as much as truthful ones. It sounds like you are in a really hard place at the moment. So again that is something you want to consider the complete scenario if you do report him, would it cause rifts between the family could it cause more damage than has already been done?

I too have an older brother and throughout my childhood he would be a typical brother and beat me up, yet if anyone else laid a hand on me he would be there and teach anyone a lesson who hurt me whether I wanted it or not. That part of protection I do feel is just a typical older brother trait if sometimes overprotective and controlling.

It does sound like he has boundary issues but so do a lot of people, it seems these days especially with the younger generation that public displays of their affection for someone is a bit OTT like it has to be broadcast to the world. Even down to teens walking around with their hands down their tracksuit bottoms, to me that is incredibly odd yet you see it so often these days. I am a firm believer in a time and a place for certain things.

Do your family know about what he did to you? Is it something you think you and another family member could discuss it with him and see what he has to say about it? I know that would not be easy for you but it might help if you could actually talk to him about it or it might not, I can't say either way.

People do have different personalities and some can seem over protective but that could be because he feels bad for what he did to you or he could have no remorse whatsoever. Even at the age he was it can be a very confusing time for anyone going through puberty.

As for all the comments about girls again that can be fairly normal as some people have a very high sex drive or could even indicate that he has gay tendencies himself that he has never wanted to admit too and maybe this is his way of dealing with it and pretending he is straight, again just a theory.

I suppose what I am trying to say is do what you feel is right, sometimes we all need some tough love no matter how hard that may be. You know him better than we do so you should be able to work out what is the best course of action.

It certainly is worrying about his relationships with women and how he treats them and that really needs some looking into.

I am not trying to minimise what he did to you or persuade you what to do about it, just trying to give a balanced view of what the outcomes could be. I hope you can get things sorted out for your sake an get yourself into a better place and work on your low self esteem, I know how that feels since I have had low self esteem all my life from a young boy right up until now.

Either way there are people here to talk to and offer help in anyway we can, I know how messed up a life can be with confusion and low self esteem, there are so many things I wish I had done differently in life but I can't change them I can only change the future. that is something that whilst hard to accept it is sadly very true. My um was abused by my grandfather that I only found out recently, she has dealt with that for 50 years or so, she is still to this day on anti depressants because of that so yes the scarring may never go away but you can learn to live with the things life deals you and move on as much as possible.

I wish you the very best and hope that you can move on with your life and do whatever needs to be done.

Hey!

Thanks for both of the replies!

I thought that there was a high chance I may already know… I just wanted to get other people’s opinions

Hey Airwolffan,

I understand your points and even though he technically a child in the eyes of the law, if I had reported him at the time of incident he would be removed from home, if I am to report him now, he’d be imprisoned up to 6 months or fine (possible both) due to no physical evidence. However I show enough of the signs and other issues of what he did to be able have a investigation and take him to court about it if I was to choose to, either way it would put down on record and he’d be most likely placed on the sex offenders list.

That’s what I’m mainly worried about, if he was too abuse someone else. I don’t want to accuse him of it if it’s not true, however his behavior is what worries me, he’s highly manipulative, has major controlling issues, he believes that he’s untouchable too, which worries me a lot because he’ll try to get what he wants, but it’s at who’s cost…

I understand it’s an older brother thing, it just seems a little strange, I have two brothers, my other brother (b) is protective too, anyone hurts me, he’d be there which in the past he has, there just a difference between the way in which my brother are protective, I just find that my oldest brother is a little too protective…

I know it’s common that people have issues but his behavior does go past a point, he doesn't control his sexual side at all, it’s more how sexual he is with his girlfriend, the fact that even though we repeatedly tell him it’s inappropriate and how uncomfortable we are with, he just doesn't care.

Maybe he does, but I feel like I should a be a little doll sitting on shelf waiting until he decides who I should be with, however he shows no sign of even acknowledging what he did.

I understand it’s common and normal, however everyone within my family “joke” that he needs help when it comes to girls, it’s a little too much, it’s obsessive to the point it’s frightening. The way in which he treats girls and also the way he goes on about them, it comes across unhealthy, almost everything is sexual.

I know you’re not and thank you, I know there is possibility I’m just worrying too much because of what happened in the past, which I’m getting help for and start to rebuild confidence and such.

I just want other people’s views on his behavior, I don’t want to not say anything to the police and 20 years down the line after he has kids find out he did something to them, that would completely destroy me, his behavior is worrying, he’s always been aggressive, he takes all his emotion out on everyone else, he use to rip shreds into my mother & brother (never my dad, he wouldn't stand for it, he never took it out on me either), through all of this my family supported & protected him in all his choices, even though he’s almost destroyed this family more than once.

I know and its better we don’t focus on the past because what’s done is done right! I’m really sorry to hear what to your mum, I hope she’s okay! I know there will effects from what happened stay with me forever, but hopefully getting help now may change them for later life.
Thank you so much, and I hope that you can build up a your self-esteem, I know how difficult it makes life!

FoxForrest x

As I say your the best placed person to know whether he needs reporting, I don't know what country you are from, but I just want you to be sure that if you do report him you will get the outcome you expect, also that you fear he is abusing other children you do really have to be sure before making accusations like that against someone especially a family member.

I know what he did to you was wrong but how much he realised at the time was wrong only he will know. Over here I'm not sure how such a scenario would play out, having said that maybe I have misinterpreted something regarding what he did to you.

Just please be prepared for the possible fall out if you decide to report him, your health and emotions need to be considered and for some people they can look after themselves by just moving on, others can't so do what's right for you.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with things for everyone.

Good luck whatever you do.

Hi FoxForrest, would be nice to hear from you again and see how your doing, hope you are well and coping with things OK. Hope you found a way to move forward with things and worked out the best course of action tot take.

Virtual hug for you.

have you considered the possibility that your brother might have anti social personality disorder?All the people I have met with it have been hypersexual and manipulative in the way you described.
http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis/p20-pe04.html